to myself. I was back to sitting and staring. Not caring. Not anything. Almost numb with shock and disappointment. I made myself something to eat but couldn’t eat a thing. I watched TV but didn’t take anything in. The weekend passed in a blur of hurt and nothing. Suze returned at 4pm on Sunday evening and I realised I had to go home and face it all some time. It might as well be now.
I gave Suze a thankful hug for letting me use her home as a bolt hole for the weekend, drove home and let myself in. I turned my phone on and sent him a message.
“I’m home.” I’d had a whole weekend to prepare for the end and think about this. I wanted it done with as soon as possible.
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Away.”
“I’m coming over right now.”
I sat waiting at the window for the final visit I would ever have from Mark.
I let him in and walked ahead of him into my living room. I turned to face him. He put his hand out to touch my arm but I stepped back, out of reach. I could see there were tears in his eyes. Serve him right. He should be upset. More than upset.
“I was so worried about you. Why didn’t you call me back?” His face looked confused and so hurt.
“You know the answer to that already.” I started to get upset looking at him. My eyes were blurring.
“No I really don’t.”
“Three words. You and Charlotte.” I’m just about holding it together.
“What about me and Charlotte?”
“I saw you together in your house.” I choke the words out. My control is really slipping.
He took a deep breath. “Is that what all this is about?”
“Yes and I’m shattered into pieces.” I can’t stop myself and start to cry a river.
“Oh my God… you’ve got it all wrong… Charlotte was upset. She has just found out she’s pregnant and Daniel doesn’t want her to keep it. He doesn’t want children. She asked me to speak to him. She was crying her eyes out. I gave her a long hug, that’s all.”
I started to rethink what I had seen. This could be true. Oh no… fuck… it was… I felt sick with realisation.
I sat down on the sofa still in full flood.
“I can’t believe you have such little trust in me. Considering I feel so much for you, and you must know exactly how much that is by now… do you honestly think I could switch off and go back with her just like that? I’m really hurt.”
“Jon, left me for someone else. It all felt like a repeat horror story to me.” I am trying to control my sobs… the relief is making them worse…
“You have to stop comparing me to him. I’m not like him at all. You know I’m not. Do you realise I have been sick with worry all weekend? I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t bear to lose you Ray.” His eyes were very teary. I stood up and hugged him.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I have no self esteem at all. She’s so much prettier than me and better spoken and more your type… I wonder all the time what you see in me.”
“Rachel, you are far more than beautiful to me. I love everything about you. You’re exactly my type. I knew it the minute I met you. I really need to work on making you feel good about yourself, I’ve obviously not done a brilliant job so far, have I?”
“It’s not your job to fix me.”
“I think it is. You’ve fixed me.”
“I have? What needed fixing?”
“Well I didn’t think I’d ever find someone I loved even more than her. But I have.”
What could I say to that. I was speechless with joy and crying at the same time. So I gave him a kiss instead.
“Don’t ever run away again… Promise me… You can talk to me about anything.”
“I promise. Now come with me, I have to make it up to you somehow. My dreadful, horrible, misunderstanding mind.”
“It’s okay now, I’m happy again. I can’t say this weekend was much fun, but it was worth going through in some respects. I think we understand each other a lot better now, don’t we?”
“I so completely
I gave Suze a thankful hug for letting me use her home as a bolt hole for the weekend, drove home and let myself in. I turned my phone on and sent him a message.
“I’m home.” I’d had a whole weekend to prepare for the end and think about this. I wanted it done with as soon as possible.
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Away.”
“I’m coming over right now.”
I sat waiting at the window for the final visit I would ever have from Mark.
I let him in and walked ahead of him into my living room. I turned to face him. He put his hand out to touch my arm but I stepped back, out of reach. I could see there were tears in his eyes. Serve him right. He should be upset. More than upset.
“I was so worried about you. Why didn’t you call me back?” His face looked confused and so hurt.
“You know the answer to that already.” I started to get upset looking at him. My eyes were blurring.
“No I really don’t.”
“Three words. You and Charlotte.” I’m just about holding it together.
“What about me and Charlotte?”
“I saw you together in your house.” I choke the words out. My control is really slipping.
He took a deep breath. “Is that what all this is about?”
“Yes and I’m shattered into pieces.” I can’t stop myself and start to cry a river.
“Oh my God… you’ve got it all wrong… Charlotte was upset. She has just found out she’s pregnant and Daniel doesn’t want her to keep it. He doesn’t want children. She asked me to speak to him. She was crying her eyes out. I gave her a long hug, that’s all.”
I started to rethink what I had seen. This could be true. Oh no… fuck… it was… I felt sick with realisation.
I sat down on the sofa still in full flood.
“I can’t believe you have such little trust in me. Considering I feel so much for you, and you must know exactly how much that is by now… do you honestly think I could switch off and go back with her just like that? I’m really hurt.”
“Jon, left me for someone else. It all felt like a repeat horror story to me.” I am trying to control my sobs… the relief is making them worse…
“You have to stop comparing me to him. I’m not like him at all. You know I’m not. Do you realise I have been sick with worry all weekend? I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t bear to lose you Ray.” His eyes were very teary. I stood up and hugged him.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I have no self esteem at all. She’s so much prettier than me and better spoken and more your type… I wonder all the time what you see in me.”
“Rachel, you are far more than beautiful to me. I love everything about you. You’re exactly my type. I knew it the minute I met you. I really need to work on making you feel good about yourself, I’ve obviously not done a brilliant job so far, have I?”
“It’s not your job to fix me.”
“I think it is. You’ve fixed me.”
“I have? What needed fixing?”
“Well I didn’t think I’d ever find someone I loved even more than her. But I have.”
What could I say to that. I was speechless with joy and crying at the same time. So I gave him a kiss instead.
“Don’t ever run away again… Promise me… You can talk to me about anything.”
“I promise. Now come with me, I have to make it up to you somehow. My dreadful, horrible, misunderstanding mind.”
“It’s okay now, I’m happy again. I can’t say this weekend was much fun, but it was worth going through in some respects. I think we understand each other a lot better now, don’t we?”
“I so completely
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