June 5, 7 p.m., private jet to Genovia
ME, A PRINCESS???? YEAH, RIGHT.
A Screenplay by Mia Thermopolis
(first draft)
Scene 44
INT/DAY—The extremely messy bedroom of a teenage girl, with virtually floor-to-ceiling windows looking out over a fire escape and inner courtyard. A large yellow CAT sits on top of the radiator, his tail swishing. A girl (sixteen-year-old MIA THERMOPOLIS), trembling on the verge of womanhood, is frantically looking for something. Her mother (HELEN THERMOPOLIS), a strikingly attractive woman in her late thirties, appears in the doorway.
HELEN
Mia! The limo’s waiting! Hurry up!
MIA
I can’t find my journal! How can I go to Valentine Princess 9 1
Genovia for the summer if I don’t have my journal?
HELEN leans down and pulls a black-and-white Mead composition notebook from where it’s gotten wedged between MIA’s bed and the wall.
HELEN
Isn’t this it?
MIA
(taking notebook and flipping through it) No, Mom. This is an old one. This one is from—
Hey! This one is from way back in my
freshman year, a year and a half ago! I’ve been looking all over for this! Gosh, I feel like it was a DECADE ago that the stuff in this journal went on. I mean, so much has happened since then. I’ll be starting my junior year when I get back from Genovia at the end of this summer. God, it’s like I’m a totally different person now, you know? I mean, I’m writing actual PLAYS
2 9 The Princess Diaries
now instead of novels. I’m so much older and more sophisticated and—OH MY GOD, THIS
IS THE JOURNAL IN WHICH I WROTE
ABOUT MY FIRST VALENTINE’S DAY
WITH MICHAEL AS A COUPLE!!!!! OH
MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I LOST
THIS!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TO READ IT!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Valentine Princess 9 3
Tuesday, February 11, 6 p.m.,
the limo on the way home from princess lessons Today when I walked into my princess lessons with Grandmère after school, there was this totally creepy-looking guy occupying the pink brocade settee where I normally sit (because it’s nearest the bowl of sugared
almonds that I sneak whenever Grandmère isn’t looking, even though they aren’t actually that good, like not candy-or chocolatecoated or anything, but beggars can’t be choosers, and why do old people always have such sucky candy, anyway?), and I was all, “Who are you?” because this dude had on one of those monochromatic tieand-shirt thingies, like a TV talk show host or mafioso might wear, and that is not the kind of person you’d expect to see sitting in a dowager princess’s living room suite at the Plaza. I mean, not to be pejorative. But it’s true.
Then Grandmère came out in a blue feathertrimmed wrap, like she was the Queen Mum and not the princess’s grandmum, and was all, “Oh, good, 4 9 The Princess Diaries
Amelia, I’m so glad you’re here. Meet Dr. Steve,”
and I was like, “Whaty who?” and she was all,
“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK THAT WAY TO
MY ASTROLOGIST???”
So yeah. Grandmère has an astrologist.
I will admit, I’m pretty worried because, of course, I thought of Rasputin—you know, that guy who was, like, “spiritual advisor” (aka mystic oracle) to the Russian royal family, before they all ended up getting shot by their angry populace. Not necessarily because of Rasputin, but the czar’s subjects did kind of lose respect for him because he and his wife were listening to the advice of a dude who collected hair from virgins as a hobby.
Obviously, this didn’t happen with Nancy Reagan, who was getting advice from astrologist Jeane Dixon, but that’s just because Jeane Dixon’s hobby was playing golf.
Anyway, I guess Dr. Steve isn’t like Rasputin. I mean, he doesn’t have a beard—in fact, he barely had any hair at all, being mostly bald. And he was wearing a suit, not monk’s robes. Valentine Princess 9 5
Still, I didn’t like it much when he pointed at me and went, “Don’t tell me!
ME, A PRINCESS???? YEAH, RIGHT.
A Screenplay by Mia Thermopolis
(first draft)
Scene 44
INT/DAY—The extremely messy bedroom of a teenage girl, with virtually floor-to-ceiling windows looking out over a fire escape and inner courtyard. A large yellow CAT sits on top of the radiator, his tail swishing. A girl (sixteen-year-old MIA THERMOPOLIS), trembling on the verge of womanhood, is frantically looking for something. Her mother (HELEN THERMOPOLIS), a strikingly attractive woman in her late thirties, appears in the doorway.
HELEN
Mia! The limo’s waiting! Hurry up!
MIA
I can’t find my journal! How can I go to Valentine Princess 9 1
Genovia for the summer if I don’t have my journal?
HELEN leans down and pulls a black-and-white Mead composition notebook from where it’s gotten wedged between MIA’s bed and the wall.
HELEN
Isn’t this it?
MIA
(taking notebook and flipping through it) No, Mom. This is an old one. This one is from—
Hey! This one is from way back in my
freshman year, a year and a half ago! I’ve been looking all over for this! Gosh, I feel like it was a DECADE ago that the stuff in this journal went on. I mean, so much has happened since then. I’ll be starting my junior year when I get back from Genovia at the end of this summer. God, it’s like I’m a totally different person now, you know? I mean, I’m writing actual PLAYS
2 9 The Princess Diaries
now instead of novels. I’m so much older and more sophisticated and—OH MY GOD, THIS
IS THE JOURNAL IN WHICH I WROTE
ABOUT MY FIRST VALENTINE’S DAY
WITH MICHAEL AS A COUPLE!!!!! OH
MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I LOST
THIS!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TO READ IT!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Valentine Princess 9 3
Tuesday, February 11, 6 p.m.,
the limo on the way home from princess lessons Today when I walked into my princess lessons with Grandmère after school, there was this totally creepy-looking guy occupying the pink brocade settee where I normally sit (because it’s nearest the bowl of sugared
almonds that I sneak whenever Grandmère isn’t looking, even though they aren’t actually that good, like not candy-or chocolatecoated or anything, but beggars can’t be choosers, and why do old people always have such sucky candy, anyway?), and I was all, “Who are you?” because this dude had on one of those monochromatic tieand-shirt thingies, like a TV talk show host or mafioso might wear, and that is not the kind of person you’d expect to see sitting in a dowager princess’s living room suite at the Plaza. I mean, not to be pejorative. But it’s true.
Then Grandmère came out in a blue feathertrimmed wrap, like she was the Queen Mum and not the princess’s grandmum, and was all, “Oh, good, 4 9 The Princess Diaries
Amelia, I’m so glad you’re here. Meet Dr. Steve,”
and I was like, “Whaty who?” and she was all,
“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK THAT WAY TO
MY ASTROLOGIST???”
So yeah. Grandmère has an astrologist.
I will admit, I’m pretty worried because, of course, I thought of Rasputin—you know, that guy who was, like, “spiritual advisor” (aka mystic oracle) to the Russian royal family, before they all ended up getting shot by their angry populace. Not necessarily because of Rasputin, but the czar’s subjects did kind of lose respect for him because he and his wife were listening to the advice of a dude who collected hair from virgins as a hobby.
Obviously, this didn’t happen with Nancy Reagan, who was getting advice from astrologist Jeane Dixon, but that’s just because Jeane Dixon’s hobby was playing golf.
Anyway, I guess Dr. Steve isn’t like Rasputin. I mean, he doesn’t have a beard—in fact, he barely had any hair at all, being mostly bald. And he was wearing a suit, not monk’s robes. Valentine Princess 9 5
Still, I didn’t like it much when he pointed at me and went, “Don’t tell me!
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