(2002) Deception aka Sanctum by Denise Mina

him, never finding out. Her mother said that the money was her husband’s business; it wasn’t her concern. No matter what happened in the family, Susie got furious with her mother. The family cat died, blame Mrs. Wilkens; Aunt Trisha broke her foot, blame Mrs. Wilkens; father lied to his family consistently during his thirty-seven-year marriage, blame Mrs. Wilkens. She had a lot more respect for my mum, who I think is a bit of a bully.
    Surprise killed Mrs. Wilkens. She was fine when her husband died, but finding out about the money upset her desperately. She had always assumed they were on the verge of poverty and had fetished watery baked beans and walking everywhere into a kind of fiscal piety. She found herself facing a massive windfall when she was just too old to change her values. Her psyche sort of short-circuited, and six months after her husband’s will was settled, she had a series of heart attacks. We were with her in the hospital at the end. She looked so surprised. I’m sure she saw his bank statement during her final seizure.
    Looking at our wedding pictures has made me feel quite happy, as if I were back in that time when everything made sense. There were good times, I’m sure of that, before we forgot one another and got caught up in endlessly meeting work and domestic obligations. Susie didn’t always keep secrets from me. Sometimes we got Saskia, the old nanny, to baby-sit and went out alone together. Over dinner we’d reassure each other that the relationship was still alive, tell each other how great it was to have someone to depend on, like beautiful background music. Maybe she was lying, I don’t know, but I meant it.
    Once we went to the Pecorino for dinner; it must have been a birthday or anniversary, I forget which. We were both dressed up and enjoying the food and I looked up at her and fell in love all over again. She had that white sweater on, the fluffy one with the wide neck, and a diamanté starburst on a chain. It was her hair that made me catch my breath, as thick as a pillow. She had recently given birth to Margie and still had that formless softness. I knew that her body was flooded with relaxin and even her joints were soft. She was sheepish, vulnerable, and unsure. It was so unlike her and completely precious. They were really good times.
    Looking at the wedding photographs has made me miss her. My breastbone aches, but not, I realize, for her now. I miss her then. The verdict and the difficult phone call have left me exhausted at the thought of seeing her. I’m supposed to be going out to visit her in two days’ time, and I don’t want to. I’m angry at Susan-now for ruining my relationship with the Susie I thought she was. I won’t be able to face her if I go into the visiting hall with this attitude. I need to remember her as she was before.
    Memories to Consider Previsit
    1. Honeymoon: the hot nights and days. Sleeping on the balcony. Having drunk sex in the grassy hills behind the beach on the way home from a nightclub.
    Neither of us really wanted to go to a nightclub; we only went to feel young, and then we got fed up because there was nowhere to sit down. It was just a boring disco, lots of bam-bam-bam music we didn’t recognize, and then, within the space of fifteen minutes, everyone there became incredibly drunk. People were shagging on the banquettes: girls with miniskirts up around their waists, tits out, guys half-coming, one guy finishing himself off in the cubicle in the toilet.
    Susie was drunk and thought it was funny; she found it exciting, and we had a shag on the way home. It was just a quick one and we got up quickly afterward and kind of ran home, but we never forgot it. It was the highlight of the honeymoon. She wondered if she was pregnant afterward. I didn’t like that. I didn’t want us to conceive after having dirty sex, which is stupid and prudish. I felt it should have been more missionary somehow. Prim. We never touched on that sort of thing