1982 Janine by Alasdair Gray

Unluckily the house where I now live swarms with women and children, you would not be comfortable there. I will make up something in pots and bring them here to heat up. I will also bring some real coffee.”
    I thanked her and said that since she was supplying the culinary skill I ought to provide the raw material, and I would certainly do so if she gave me an exact shopping list. She said, “No. I will work better if I shop also, you cannot possibly know the best places to buy things. But you may provide as much wine as you like, I will not complain of that.” We agreed upon a day and a time and at once she hurried away leaving my coffee almost untasted. But on the doormat she turned as if to tell me something and instead went quite still, saying nothing. So I kissed her. Then she broke away and ran downstairs without another word. I returned to the television set feeling excited and hopeful. In four minutes a complete stranger had made my hellish dull life worth living again. 
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    That was a miracle. The miracles of Christ don’t interest me. I don’t care if they are true or false. The only miracles which matter to me were worked by women. 
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    Weeks later I said to her, “What gave you the idea of visiting me that first time?”
    â€œHelen suggested it.”
    â€œHelen? Do you know Helen?”
    â€œDid you not know we were friends?”
    â€œNo.”

    64 MY LAST SIGHT OFHELEN   
    â€œBut she and I taught in Bearsden Academy. I came here with two or three others for afternoon tea one Sunday. That was when I first met you. Have you forgotten?”
    â€œWhy did Helen suggest you visit me?”
    â€œI met her in town by accident – we had not seen each other for two or three years, and went for a coffee and a chat. We were both a little lonely. I had just separated from Ulric and she was quarrelling with the young man she had left you for, so naturally we discussed sex in general and also in particular. Do you understand?”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œHelen said she thought you would be a good man to seduce. So I came and did so.”
    â€œDid she say why I would be good to seduce?”
    â€œNo. It was a casual remark made at the moment when we separated.”
    I tried to cuddle Sontag then, I passionately wanted to hold her tight, feeling it would be like embracing Helen too. But that evening I had not tongued Sontag long enough to be allowed a cuddle. She got up and started briskly dressing, saying, “I am still quite fond of you but sex is not everything. It will be better if in future you wait till I phone you before we meet.” 
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    A long time after that, when Sontag had definitely finished with me, I stood in a bus queue beside a gaunt, slightly eccentric old lady with an attractive figure. She looked at me with an air of inquiry and suddenly I recognised Helen. When we spoke she smiled and looked younger. I said,
    â€œThank you for sending Sontag to me.”
    But she did not remember doing that. She said, “Have you married again?”
    â€œNo.”
    She frowned and said, “Why not? You’re the sort of man who needs a wife. You would be very good to her if she was ordinary enough.”
    This remark confused me. I said, “Are you married?”
    â€œOh no, I’m not the marrying type. I stayed with you for such a long time because I thought you needed me. Of course I was a bit of a coward in those days, terribly conventional.”

    65 ENJOYING SUPERB DUNGAREES   
    Her bus arrived and she went away on it leaving me utterly confused. During our marriage I thought I only stayed with her because she needed me. And I too was a coward, and conventional. It took ten years together, and as many separate, to discover that Helen and I felt exactly the same way toward each other and what good did it do? What good did it do? What good did it do? Come on Jock it is time