1953 - I'll Bury My Dead by James Hadley Chase

his arms. ‘You should have told me before. Anyway, I’m going to pay you back. How much did he get out of you?’
    ‘Please, Harry, I don’t want to talk about it. I managed with the money I earned. Let’s forget it. She slid off the bed. I’ve got to get dressed.’
    ‘But I can’t let you lose all that money,’ Harry protested.
    ‘Don’t let’s talk about it,’ Julie said. ‘It’s paid, and I’ve forgotten it. So, please, Harry.’
    Harry began to pace up and down.
    ‘Julie, can’t we run away together?’ he asked abruptly. ‘Must we go on taking these risks? It’s not as if he’s married to you.’
    She paused with one stocking on and the other in her hand, her eyes wary.
    ‘What would happen to us? Nick’s so powerful. I’d never get another engagement, and you’d never get another job. He would see to that. He’s so ruthless and possessive. He’d find us, and he’d make our lives miserable for the rest of our days. Let’s be patient, Harry. Let’s be thankful we can see each other like this from time to time. Something may turn up. Don’t let us do anything silly and dangerous.’
    ‘But this is even more dangerous,’ Harry said. ‘We’re cheating him now, but if we went away together, he couldn’t accuse us of that.’
    ‘He would find us, Harry. He would never let me go.’
    ‘He’s not God,’ Harry said. ‘I know he’s pretty powerful, but damn it! He couldn’t stop me earning a living. That’s nonsense, Julie.’
    Julie slipped into her dress, put on her shoes and crossed over to the dressing table. She sat down and began to make up her face.
    ‘Say something Julie,’ Harry said anxiously. ‘Don’t you see this is even more dangerous than going away?’
    She turned and faced him.
    ‘All right, Harry, I’ll tell you the truth. For weeks now I knew we should have told Nick and gone away together, but I can’t face it. I can’t give up all the things that mean so much to me. I don’t suppose you’ve ever thought what it means to me to have Nick behind me. If it wasn’t for Nick I wouldn’t be singing at the best nightclub in town. I wouldn’t have that lovely penthouse or all the clothes I’ve got. I wouldn’t have accounts at all the big stores. I wouldn’t be able to buy what I like when I like without thinking of where the money is coming from. I wouldn’t have all the important men in town fawning round me wherever I go. I wouldn’t have the car I’ve got. If I walked out on Nick, I’d walk into a different life, and I wouldn’t like it.’
    Harry winced and sat down. He stared into the fire, his right fist grinding into the palm of his left hand.
    ‘I see,’ he said in a flat, tired voice. ‘No, I hadn’t thought of it quite like that Julie.’
    ‘I want my cake and I want to eat it,’ Julie said, not looking at him. ‘I love you, Harry, more than any other man on earth. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never fallen in love with you. It would have saved so much pain and worry and cheating. But I did meet you and I did fall in love with you, so there it is. You have got to take me as I am or leave me. Now you know the truth, Harry, you’d better tell me if you want to see me again. I wouldn’t blame you if you now hate the sight of me, as I hate the sight of myself. I know I’m selfish, grasping and dishonest. I’m the worst kind of a bitch, but I can’t help it. I would do anything for you, except give up the life Nick gives me. I don’t suppose you’d believe that, but I would. I would even keep away from you if you wanted me to, and that would be the hardest thing of all I’d do for you.’
    Harry got up and went over to her; bending, he lifted her face and kissed her.
    ‘I’m not going to give you up, Julie. You mean too much to me for that. All right, darling, we’ll go on as we’ve gone on. Perhaps one day, something will turn up, and we can be together for good.’ He forced a little laugh. ‘Who knows? One