right?” Now she was the one talking fast.
“Nine
weeks. We met just before the funeral.”
“Holy
fuck! Were you two together before Ryan died?” Her eyes were huge.
“No, God , Elsa! I met him because Ryan died. They were friends from
Northwestern; he came to the funeral. Do you remember him, maybe? Tall?
Anyway, he and his brother stayed at my house for almost a week after. Since
then, he’s just spent every weekend back and forth between here and there,
basically.” I was staring at my plate. I couldn’t make eye contact with her.
“Whoa.
This is a lot to take in.” Her eyes had a million questions. She just asked one .
“Does he love you ?”
I
breathed in carefully. “Yes.”
“Ho-lee
shit. Mom’s gonna fucking die, for reals.”
“Please,
El, don’t say anything. Promise me. I’m going over there on Sunday and
I’ll bring it up.”
“How
are you gonna bring that up? Good luck, dude.” She took a bite of her
pie and chewed slowly, a smile spreading across her face. “You guys fucked yet?”
“El!
What’s the matter with you?”
“ What ?”
Her mouth was full. “It’s a fucking valid question.”
“God…” What was I supposed to tell her? “It’s complicated.”
“How’s
it complicated? Either you fucked or you didn’t.”
She
had a point.
“We’ve
slept together.” There. End of subject.
She
got a solemn look on her face. “And how do you feel about that?”
“Well,
I did feel okay about it, but I don’t know if I should, judging by your
face.”
She
put her meat pie down and wiped her mouth with a paper towel. “ Seriously .
What did you expect me to say? Your husband dies, I’m worried fucking
sick about you, you won’t return my phone calls, so I think you’re down there taking
fucking sleeping pills or something… then you get here and tell me that you’ve
totally moved on! I mean, what’s my face supposed to look like? I’m just
surprised, that’s all.”
I
could feel tears coming. Fuck. Every time someone tells me something I
can’t handle, I cry?
“I
haven’t moved on.” My voice was quiet.
“You love this guy, Rach? Cause that’s what you’re telling me. I mean,
that’s what I’m hearing . And that’s alright if you do. I just wish you
wouldn’t have waited two fucking months to tell me.”
“I
haven’t been with him the whole time, El. This is new.”
“You
just told me that you met him nine weeks ago.”
“Yeah,
but I didn’t fuck him on the night of the funeral!” I stood up. “Fuck you ,
Elsa.”
I
grabbed my bag and, with shaking hands, fumbled around for a cigarette. I
stalked towards the kitchen and made my way her sliding glass door which led to
a small patio. I sat on a hard metal chair and clicked the lighter. A few
minutes later, she joined me. She reached out and took my free hand.
“I’m
sorry.”
The
tears came now. I tried to stare at a corner of the table, taking a long drag
off of my cigarette. I choked out, “I knew no one would understand. That’s why
I kept it to myself.”
“Are
you kidding me? I understand completely. You were alone . This guy
came and picked up the pieces. I mean, think about it. When Dave and I
split, I was fucking shredded. Then, three days later, I fucked a guy from
Pilates class.” She cocked her head at me. “ See? I know.” She took
the cigarette from my hand and took a pull off of it, handing it back to me.
“I
just wish it were easier. We have to hide.”
“Why? Fuck those people.”
She
always did have a different outlook on life than I did .
“That’s
what Vince says too. I don’t know.” I flicked the lighter a few times and
laid it back down on the table. “I think I just need to talk to
“Nine
weeks. We met just before the funeral.”
“Holy
fuck! Were you two together before Ryan died?” Her eyes were huge.
“No, God , Elsa! I met him because Ryan died. They were friends from
Northwestern; he came to the funeral. Do you remember him, maybe? Tall?
Anyway, he and his brother stayed at my house for almost a week after. Since
then, he’s just spent every weekend back and forth between here and there,
basically.” I was staring at my plate. I couldn’t make eye contact with her.
“Whoa.
This is a lot to take in.” Her eyes had a million questions. She just asked one .
“Does he love you ?”
I
breathed in carefully. “Yes.”
“Ho-lee
shit. Mom’s gonna fucking die, for reals.”
“Please,
El, don’t say anything. Promise me. I’m going over there on Sunday and
I’ll bring it up.”
“How
are you gonna bring that up? Good luck, dude.” She took a bite of her
pie and chewed slowly, a smile spreading across her face. “You guys fucked yet?”
“El!
What’s the matter with you?”
“ What ?”
Her mouth was full. “It’s a fucking valid question.”
“God…” What was I supposed to tell her? “It’s complicated.”
“How’s
it complicated? Either you fucked or you didn’t.”
She
had a point.
“We’ve
slept together.” There. End of subject.
She
got a solemn look on her face. “And how do you feel about that?”
“Well,
I did feel okay about it, but I don’t know if I should, judging by your
face.”
She
put her meat pie down and wiped her mouth with a paper towel. “ Seriously .
What did you expect me to say? Your husband dies, I’m worried fucking
sick about you, you won’t return my phone calls, so I think you’re down there taking
fucking sleeping pills or something… then you get here and tell me that you’ve
totally moved on! I mean, what’s my face supposed to look like? I’m just
surprised, that’s all.”
I
could feel tears coming. Fuck. Every time someone tells me something I
can’t handle, I cry?
“I
haven’t moved on.” My voice was quiet.
“You love this guy, Rach? Cause that’s what you’re telling me. I mean,
that’s what I’m hearing . And that’s alright if you do. I just wish you
wouldn’t have waited two fucking months to tell me.”
“I
haven’t been with him the whole time, El. This is new.”
“You
just told me that you met him nine weeks ago.”
“Yeah,
but I didn’t fuck him on the night of the funeral!” I stood up. “Fuck you ,
Elsa.”
I
grabbed my bag and, with shaking hands, fumbled around for a cigarette. I
stalked towards the kitchen and made my way her sliding glass door which led to
a small patio. I sat on a hard metal chair and clicked the lighter. A few
minutes later, she joined me. She reached out and took my free hand.
“I’m
sorry.”
The
tears came now. I tried to stare at a corner of the table, taking a long drag
off of my cigarette. I choked out, “I knew no one would understand. That’s why
I kept it to myself.”
“Are
you kidding me? I understand completely. You were alone . This guy
came and picked up the pieces. I mean, think about it. When Dave and I
split, I was fucking shredded. Then, three days later, I fucked a guy from
Pilates class.” She cocked her head at me. “ See? I know.” She took
the cigarette from my hand and took a pull off of it, handing it back to me.
“I
just wish it were easier. We have to hide.”
“Why? Fuck those people.”
She
always did have a different outlook on life than I did .
“That’s
what Vince says too. I don’t know.” I flicked the lighter a few times and
laid it back down on the table. “I think I just need to talk to
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