of society/I’ll make you see how I see/I watch you in wonderment and draw you closer/Are you listening, or are you a poser?/I’m the one helping you breathe/Since the day that you came to be/Search me and I will offend/But isn’t it worth it to be made whole again? Picture perfect face of love/Smiling at you from above/Blind to all your imperfections/Death no more, only Resurrection.”
Tears streamed down my face when Riel set his guitar on the carpet, then leaned over me, smoothing my hair. “Olga,” he said my name as if it was fragile, which only made me want to cry more. “I’ve spent a lot of time studying humans since the dawn of creation. You’re one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out. But you have to believe that. You have to love yourself before you love anyone else, or there’s no way you can help others.”
His smile was tentative, but the way he looked at me… it felt like God’s stamp of approval.
I nodded, not knowing what to say, then turned my attention back to my friends as Nic fell swiftly to the ground, tripping over her own goal line.
“Bahahaha! Epic fail!” Kyle laughed, until he tripped over the same branch, his cell flying from his fingers. “Ah, my phone!”
“Oh, I see how it is,” Nic said. “Your friend falls, you laugh. Your phone falls, you panic.” She patted the back of her shorts. “Crap! I lost my phone! I lost my phone! Everyone spread out and find it!”
Riel and I watched as Nic worked herself into an escalating panic as the minutes ticked by without any sign of her phone. Up until a week ago, losing my cell would’ve caused the same reaction. Funny how death tended to put things into perspective, making something that was basically the center of my life seem so trivial now.
As if Sean could hear my thoughts, he told Nicole, “Relax, Babe. We’ve already lost two best friends this year. Losing your phone isn’t the end of the world. I’ll buy you a new one tomorrow.”
Nic placed her hands on his chest and shoved him. “That’s why I need to find the darn thing, you idiot! It had some pictures of Olga and me that I never backed up on my laptop!”
I snatched the remote off the table and muted the volume and the screen, fighting back tears once again. “Um, thanks for that. I’m gonna go to bed now.”
Riel reached for me, but I ran from the room as fast as I could, not that he couldn’t catch me if he wanted to.
Even though sleep wasn’t needed to survive, I went to bed with the thought that slumber would be a welcomed break from everything that happened during the past four days. Instead, I tossed and turned, analyzing all the reasons why I hadn’t heard back from Nate. It’s funny how one little unreturned text or call could turn a bad day horrible. Maybe cell phones did still rule my life. Whatever the case may be, seeing Nic freak out over her cell phone because of lost pictures of us convinced me I didn’t want any more sneak peeks at my earthly friends.
I stared at the ceiling and sighed. All the quiet just gave me a chance to ponder all those existential questions I thought I’d already had the answers to.
What is suffering? What is happiness? What is weakness? What is hurtful? What is worthwhile? Can something be both or neither?
All the life lessons I thought I’d learned the past year went out the proverbial window. I had to reject the standard wisdom and search for answers myself because I was someone with an impossible choice. Someone who absolutely must have two conflicting things. Conner was the one thing I couldn’t walk away from. I’d learned that lesson the hard way, and now I had the chance to change everything. But I also loved Nate. I knew no matter what, I barreled toward disaster. My heart was broken again, and I didn’t know how much I could take. Already, I felt like I was on the edge, hanging on by my fingernails.
At some point, I’d need to stop being polite around Nate, and start being real
Tears streamed down my face when Riel set his guitar on the carpet, then leaned over me, smoothing my hair. “Olga,” he said my name as if it was fragile, which only made me want to cry more. “I’ve spent a lot of time studying humans since the dawn of creation. You’re one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out. But you have to believe that. You have to love yourself before you love anyone else, or there’s no way you can help others.”
His smile was tentative, but the way he looked at me… it felt like God’s stamp of approval.
I nodded, not knowing what to say, then turned my attention back to my friends as Nic fell swiftly to the ground, tripping over her own goal line.
“Bahahaha! Epic fail!” Kyle laughed, until he tripped over the same branch, his cell flying from his fingers. “Ah, my phone!”
“Oh, I see how it is,” Nic said. “Your friend falls, you laugh. Your phone falls, you panic.” She patted the back of her shorts. “Crap! I lost my phone! I lost my phone! Everyone spread out and find it!”
Riel and I watched as Nic worked herself into an escalating panic as the minutes ticked by without any sign of her phone. Up until a week ago, losing my cell would’ve caused the same reaction. Funny how death tended to put things into perspective, making something that was basically the center of my life seem so trivial now.
As if Sean could hear my thoughts, he told Nicole, “Relax, Babe. We’ve already lost two best friends this year. Losing your phone isn’t the end of the world. I’ll buy you a new one tomorrow.”
Nic placed her hands on his chest and shoved him. “That’s why I need to find the darn thing, you idiot! It had some pictures of Olga and me that I never backed up on my laptop!”
I snatched the remote off the table and muted the volume and the screen, fighting back tears once again. “Um, thanks for that. I’m gonna go to bed now.”
Riel reached for me, but I ran from the room as fast as I could, not that he couldn’t catch me if he wanted to.
Even though sleep wasn’t needed to survive, I went to bed with the thought that slumber would be a welcomed break from everything that happened during the past four days. Instead, I tossed and turned, analyzing all the reasons why I hadn’t heard back from Nate. It’s funny how one little unreturned text or call could turn a bad day horrible. Maybe cell phones did still rule my life. Whatever the case may be, seeing Nic freak out over her cell phone because of lost pictures of us convinced me I didn’t want any more sneak peeks at my earthly friends.
I stared at the ceiling and sighed. All the quiet just gave me a chance to ponder all those existential questions I thought I’d already had the answers to.
What is suffering? What is happiness? What is weakness? What is hurtful? What is worthwhile? Can something be both or neither?
All the life lessons I thought I’d learned the past year went out the proverbial window. I had to reject the standard wisdom and search for answers myself because I was someone with an impossible choice. Someone who absolutely must have two conflicting things. Conner was the one thing I couldn’t walk away from. I’d learned that lesson the hard way, and now I had the chance to change everything. But I also loved Nate. I knew no matter what, I barreled toward disaster. My heart was broken again, and I didn’t know how much I could take. Already, I felt like I was on the edge, hanging on by my fingernails.
At some point, I’d need to stop being polite around Nate, and start being real
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