Zero Tolerance Meets the Alien Death Ray and Other (Mostly) Inappropriate Stories by David Lubar Page B
Authors: David Lubar
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The
first would get us killed and the second didn't seem too promising,
especially if it made Millard curious about the best way to cause
us pain. I grabbed KINDNESS. That would do the trick, and
make the world a better place.
I got back to the front just in time.
Millard had reached Freddy and was playing that bully game where
the other player always loses.
"What did you say to me?" he asked.
"I said hi," Freddy told him. "And I meant
it. I'm awful happy to see you."
"That some kind of a joke?" Millard
asked.
"Hey, have a hat," I said, tossing the cap
to Millard.
He grabbed it and stared at me. I was afraid
he'd just throw the hat away. Or throw me away. But he put it
on.
He shoved it on his head. Backwards. With
the brim facing away. I wondered what that would do to the
kindness.
I found out right away.
"I'm gonna smash both of you," Millard
said.
Freddy and I took of. At least I had lots of
energy for running. And Freddy seemed pretty happy. For the moment.
But when MEANNESS caught up with him, it wouldn't be
pretty.
Zero Tolerance
Meets the Alien Death Ray
My Uncle Shubert was passing through town,
and had stopped at our house for a couple days. He's pretty cool
for an adult. He takes me places and never treats me like a kid. As
he was packing up his suitcase, I noticed a silvery tube on his
bed.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Alien death ray," he said.
I checked his face to see if he was kidding.
It was hard to tell. "Do you mean it's a ray that aliens use to
kill people, or is it a ray that kills aliens?"
He shrugged. "Not sure. The guy who sold it
to me wasn't very clear. But I liked the looks of it, and the price
was right, so I bought it. Do you want it?"
"For real?"
"Yup."
"For keeps?"
"Definitely. It's all yours."
"Awesome!" I grabbed the tube and took a
close look. It fit nicely in my hand, though it was heavier than
I'd expected. It was solid at one end, and hollow at the other,
with a single clear glass button near the solid end. I pointed the
tube out the window and pushed the button. Nothing happened.
"Maybe it needs batteries," I said.
"Maybe it only shoots aliens," he said. "Or
maybe only aliens can shoot it."
"Either way, thanks."
"Sure. That's what uncles are for."
I took the alien death ray with me to school
the next day. I showed it to my friend, Veejay, as soon as I got to
class.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Alien death ray," I told him.
Before he could say another word, a hand
swooped down over my shoulder and snatched the tube away. "Young
man, you are in a lot of trouble," my teacher, Mrs. Peswitch, said.
"You know we have a zero-tolerance policy about weapons."
"But..." I tried to protest that it wasn't a
real weapon, but she yanked my arm hard enough to pull me off my
feet, and dragged me down the hall. The whole time, she kept
muttering about all the "young, violent hooligans who were wrecking
the school."
The next thing I knew, I was in Principal
Mabler's office. "This is very serious," he said. "Bringing a
weapon to school. I'm shocked."
"It's not real," I said.
"That doesn't matter. We have a zero
tolerance policy. It doesn't matter if it is a toy, or even a
drawing of a weapon. Any weapon gets you a five day suspension. I'm
sure your parents will agree that this has to be done. It's the
only way to keep us safe."
He reached for the phone.
"Please..." I'd never been in any kind of
big trouble. This was so bad, I could feel my knees trembling. Then
my whole body started to tremble.
"I'm sorry. No exceptions. Not even —"
Whatever he said next was drowned out by the
roar. It was like twenty fighter jets flew overhead at once. Then
the roar grew louder. The whole room shook. Books bounced off the
shelf behind Principal Mabler, and his diploma fell off the
wall.
I raced to the window. A space ship, round
and huge and filled with flashing lights, landed in the front of
the school. As I stared, the hatch opened, and a whole bunch of
creatures raced out. They were big
first would get us killed and the second didn't seem too promising,
especially if it made Millard curious about the best way to cause
us pain. I grabbed KINDNESS. That would do the trick, and
make the world a better place.
I got back to the front just in time.
Millard had reached Freddy and was playing that bully game where
the other player always loses.
"What did you say to me?" he asked.
"I said hi," Freddy told him. "And I meant
it. I'm awful happy to see you."
"That some kind of a joke?" Millard
asked.
"Hey, have a hat," I said, tossing the cap
to Millard.
He grabbed it and stared at me. I was afraid
he'd just throw the hat away. Or throw me away. But he put it
on.
He shoved it on his head. Backwards. With
the brim facing away. I wondered what that would do to the
kindness.
I found out right away.
"I'm gonna smash both of you," Millard
said.
Freddy and I took of. At least I had lots of
energy for running. And Freddy seemed pretty happy. For the moment.
But when MEANNESS caught up with him, it wouldn't be
pretty.
Zero Tolerance
Meets the Alien Death Ray
My Uncle Shubert was passing through town,
and had stopped at our house for a couple days. He's pretty cool
for an adult. He takes me places and never treats me like a kid. As
he was packing up his suitcase, I noticed a silvery tube on his
bed.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Alien death ray," he said.
I checked his face to see if he was kidding.
It was hard to tell. "Do you mean it's a ray that aliens use to
kill people, or is it a ray that kills aliens?"
He shrugged. "Not sure. The guy who sold it
to me wasn't very clear. But I liked the looks of it, and the price
was right, so I bought it. Do you want it?"
"For real?"
"Yup."
"For keeps?"
"Definitely. It's all yours."
"Awesome!" I grabbed the tube and took a
close look. It fit nicely in my hand, though it was heavier than
I'd expected. It was solid at one end, and hollow at the other,
with a single clear glass button near the solid end. I pointed the
tube out the window and pushed the button. Nothing happened.
"Maybe it needs batteries," I said.
"Maybe it only shoots aliens," he said. "Or
maybe only aliens can shoot it."
"Either way, thanks."
"Sure. That's what uncles are for."
I took the alien death ray with me to school
the next day. I showed it to my friend, Veejay, as soon as I got to
class.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Alien death ray," I told him.
Before he could say another word, a hand
swooped down over my shoulder and snatched the tube away. "Young
man, you are in a lot of trouble," my teacher, Mrs. Peswitch, said.
"You know we have a zero-tolerance policy about weapons."
"But..." I tried to protest that it wasn't a
real weapon, but she yanked my arm hard enough to pull me off my
feet, and dragged me down the hall. The whole time, she kept
muttering about all the "young, violent hooligans who were wrecking
the school."
The next thing I knew, I was in Principal
Mabler's office. "This is very serious," he said. "Bringing a
weapon to school. I'm shocked."
"It's not real," I said.
"That doesn't matter. We have a zero
tolerance policy. It doesn't matter if it is a toy, or even a
drawing of a weapon. Any weapon gets you a five day suspension. I'm
sure your parents will agree that this has to be done. It's the
only way to keep us safe."
He reached for the phone.
"Please..." I'd never been in any kind of
big trouble. This was so bad, I could feel my knees trembling. Then
my whole body started to tremble.
"I'm sorry. No exceptions. Not even —"
Whatever he said next was drowned out by the
roar. It was like twenty fighter jets flew overhead at once. Then
the roar grew louder. The whole room shook. Books bounced off the
shelf behind Principal Mabler, and his diploma fell off the
wall.
I raced to the window. A space ship, round
and huge and filled with flashing lights, landed in the front of
the school. As I stared, the hatch opened, and a whole bunch of
creatures raced out. They were big
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