you must be so happy . I meant me. But the truth is, I couldn’t sleep at all like that and the night stretched ahead. I got that feelingI sometimes got as a kid of looking at myself through the wrong end of a telescope. Eventually she started breathing softly, one breath after another, and the fact that this big warm female animal, almost six feet big, was lying next to me and not wearing much started to take effect. An erection climbed up my pajama pants and wouldn’t go away. I don’t know how long I lay there, not sleeping—several hours. Sometimes my erection went down a little, but this made it touch my thigh so it came back up. Jesus, I wanted to rub it against her like a dog. But I also wanted to show her, Look what I got, what am I supposed to do with it. All kinds of crazy thoughts came and went. I thought about Robert’s dad. I thought about Gandhi. I read once that he liked to sleep naked with naked girls, to test his chastity. And it occurred to me that all this sexual pressure, which had been building up all day, and not just all day but for months and years it seemed, wasn’t building towards anything. It was just there and maybe what you did was learn to ignore it. I don’t know how to put this without seeming crazy, but I started to have kind of saintly fantasies, I mean fantasies about a life of chastity and repression and so on, and this was the first test of it. I was doing okay. If you can get through tonight you’re going to be okay, you might make it through to the other side of all that stuff.
Eventually I tried to sneak out of bed and she half woke up.
“Are you going, Marny?” she said and pulled at me a little so that she could kiss me. Her breath was warm, almost hot. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I’m sorry,” and let me go.
10
T he next morning was Sunday. After church, Bill Russo planned to put on a caucus brunch for some of the big donors. (Russ is what Bill Russo’s MDP friends called him, and since they knew him better than I did, I started calling him Russ, too. And then stopped.) Apparently these donor types like to meet each other, and the Michigan set wanted to rub shoulders with Robert James. After that some quiet time was scheduled. Maybe a ride in the speedboat and a little swim. Drinks on the sunporch, etc. But I’d had enough. Tony Carnesecca was driving back early, with his wife and kid, so I asked him to give me a ride.
They’d had a bad night, sleeping three to a room, in two beds. Michael was just getting used to being out of the crib. He woke up scared around two in the morning and came in with them. So Tony got out. Then Cris tried to sneak out, too, and sleep with Tony, but Michael heard her and cried, so Tony tried to get him down but couldn’t, and eventually they all ended up together again. Only Michael slept.
“I know what you mean,” I said. “I’m tired, too.”
Cris told me to sit in front. And then, after buckling Michael inand buckling herself, she said, “You were kind of quiet-drunk last night. Are you hung over?”
“I don’t know. I think I talked too much.”
I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. When we hit the highway, I fell asleep properly and only woke up when Tony pulled into his drive. Michael was also asleep and Cris very slowly and carefully lifted him out. I felt for the kid. She laid him out gently in his stroller and started walking him around. “I’ll just drive Marny home and come straight back,” Tony said and pulled out again.
“I’m supposed to stay in Johanna Street tonight.”
“What do you mean, supposed?”
“Well, Walter’s coming up tomorrow and that’s what I told myself I was going to do.”
But he dropped me at Robert’s place because I had to pack up. Which is how I spent the afternoon: going through the house and collecting my things, sometimes from other people’s bedrooms. There wasn’t much, a couple of boxes of household goods, a duffel of clothes, a few books and CDs, some of
Eventually I tried to sneak out of bed and she half woke up.
“Are you going, Marny?” she said and pulled at me a little so that she could kiss me. Her breath was warm, almost hot. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I’m sorry,” and let me go.
10
T he next morning was Sunday. After church, Bill Russo planned to put on a caucus brunch for some of the big donors. (Russ is what Bill Russo’s MDP friends called him, and since they knew him better than I did, I started calling him Russ, too. And then stopped.) Apparently these donor types like to meet each other, and the Michigan set wanted to rub shoulders with Robert James. After that some quiet time was scheduled. Maybe a ride in the speedboat and a little swim. Drinks on the sunporch, etc. But I’d had enough. Tony Carnesecca was driving back early, with his wife and kid, so I asked him to give me a ride.
They’d had a bad night, sleeping three to a room, in two beds. Michael was just getting used to being out of the crib. He woke up scared around two in the morning and came in with them. So Tony got out. Then Cris tried to sneak out, too, and sleep with Tony, but Michael heard her and cried, so Tony tried to get him down but couldn’t, and eventually they all ended up together again. Only Michael slept.
“I know what you mean,” I said. “I’m tired, too.”
Cris told me to sit in front. And then, after buckling Michael inand buckling herself, she said, “You were kind of quiet-drunk last night. Are you hung over?”
“I don’t know. I think I talked too much.”
I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. When we hit the highway, I fell asleep properly and only woke up when Tony pulled into his drive. Michael was also asleep and Cris very slowly and carefully lifted him out. I felt for the kid. She laid him out gently in his stroller and started walking him around. “I’ll just drive Marny home and come straight back,” Tony said and pulled out again.
“I’m supposed to stay in Johanna Street tonight.”
“What do you mean, supposed?”
“Well, Walter’s coming up tomorrow and that’s what I told myself I was going to do.”
But he dropped me at Robert’s place because I had to pack up. Which is how I spent the afternoon: going through the house and collecting my things, sometimes from other people’s bedrooms. There wasn’t much, a couple of boxes of household goods, a duffel of clothes, a few books and CDs, some of
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