hooked up with Mr. Silver. After that I don’t remember what happened exactly. Just that Colin said it was bullshit. In your dreams, he said. Then I didn’t know who I hated more. My face was so hot and everyone was staring at me. They must have seen it. I turned to Ariel and I called her a bitch and I left.
I went to the river and walked fast and then I stood out on that bridge, it was the Petit Pont I think, or the Pont au Double and I stood there not knowing what to do feeling completely alone. Like it had never quite occurred to me before, the idea that I was really alone. Or that’s how it felt. And there I was in my stupid skirt, in that fucking outfit Ariel had chosen for me, and I was shivering and I just thought fuck it and I sent him a message. I wrote, “I’m in your neighborhood should I come?”
I waited looking down into the river watching the boats go by. Then, like a miracle, he said yes.
I walked along the river on the quai side past all the locked up bouquinistes . It wasn’t until I reached the Pont Neuf that I really thought about what I was doing, where I was going. I’d been walking in a fury thinking about Ariel. She knew what had happened with Colin. She’d promised to hate him. She’d wanted to call the police. Tell her parents or something. And there she was sitting in that bar with him laughing at me. It’s all I could think about, but when I reached the Pont Neuf and I crossed the street to walk up the rue Dauphine I realized where I was going. It slowed me down. I took my time walking up that street but I didn’t once think I wasn’t going to do it.
He lived on the top floor. No elevator and this little uneven stairwell that went around and around, up and up. At the top the door was open. When I walked in he didn’t do anything but look at me. I was a mess. My heart was beating so hard. The minute I saw him, all I wanted was for him to wrap his arms around me. Just walk over and take me in your arms. But he didn’t and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Somehow I ended up sitting on his kitchen counter. I don’t remember. I just tried to be tough. I told him I came there to fuck him. I mean if you can imagine. I came here to fuck you, Mr. Silver, I said. He must have thought I was a joke. He watched me with those eyes and that smile like he was so fucking smart. Like he pitied me a little bit. As if he saw everything, knew everything about me. The prick.
At some point he touched me. He came forward and slid his hands into my hair and then it was over. I mean never in my life have I felt so out of control as I did with him. It isn’t as if he was some big super-masculine guy who just wrapped me up and took me away. But there was something about him I swear to God. I could feel the warmth of his hand against my neck, you know, his fingers touching my skin and all I felt, I swear, was thank God, thank God, thank God you’re touching me. I was so grateful. With my whole body I was grateful and relieved. And then he kissed me the way he kissed with that soft slow fucking tender gentle you’re the love of my life way so that I could barely stand.
I took off my clothes. He made me do it for him while he watched. I was so cold and the window was open and the apartment was cold too, and it was as if I’d been shivering for hours. But I did it and he smiled at me and there was something in that smile that reminded me of the way my mother looked at me when I came down the stairs the first day of school. Then it became a game. I mean I relaxed and I pushed back a little bit, I told him to take off his own fucking clothes and he liked that I think. We laughed together and Christ what a relief that was, the two of us laughing, and then I was so glad to be there. Then all I wanted was him to take me up to his bed. There was nowhere else I wanted to go. Nowhere else.
I watched him. He never looked away from me. Not even to step out of his jeans. He was in O.K. shape. I mean he was
I went to the river and walked fast and then I stood out on that bridge, it was the Petit Pont I think, or the Pont au Double and I stood there not knowing what to do feeling completely alone. Like it had never quite occurred to me before, the idea that I was really alone. Or that’s how it felt. And there I was in my stupid skirt, in that fucking outfit Ariel had chosen for me, and I was shivering and I just thought fuck it and I sent him a message. I wrote, “I’m in your neighborhood should I come?”
I waited looking down into the river watching the boats go by. Then, like a miracle, he said yes.
I walked along the river on the quai side past all the locked up bouquinistes . It wasn’t until I reached the Pont Neuf that I really thought about what I was doing, where I was going. I’d been walking in a fury thinking about Ariel. She knew what had happened with Colin. She’d promised to hate him. She’d wanted to call the police. Tell her parents or something. And there she was sitting in that bar with him laughing at me. It’s all I could think about, but when I reached the Pont Neuf and I crossed the street to walk up the rue Dauphine I realized where I was going. It slowed me down. I took my time walking up that street but I didn’t once think I wasn’t going to do it.
He lived on the top floor. No elevator and this little uneven stairwell that went around and around, up and up. At the top the door was open. When I walked in he didn’t do anything but look at me. I was a mess. My heart was beating so hard. The minute I saw him, all I wanted was for him to wrap his arms around me. Just walk over and take me in your arms. But he didn’t and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Somehow I ended up sitting on his kitchen counter. I don’t remember. I just tried to be tough. I told him I came there to fuck him. I mean if you can imagine. I came here to fuck you, Mr. Silver, I said. He must have thought I was a joke. He watched me with those eyes and that smile like he was so fucking smart. Like he pitied me a little bit. As if he saw everything, knew everything about me. The prick.
At some point he touched me. He came forward and slid his hands into my hair and then it was over. I mean never in my life have I felt so out of control as I did with him. It isn’t as if he was some big super-masculine guy who just wrapped me up and took me away. But there was something about him I swear to God. I could feel the warmth of his hand against my neck, you know, his fingers touching my skin and all I felt, I swear, was thank God, thank God, thank God you’re touching me. I was so grateful. With my whole body I was grateful and relieved. And then he kissed me the way he kissed with that soft slow fucking tender gentle you’re the love of my life way so that I could barely stand.
I took off my clothes. He made me do it for him while he watched. I was so cold and the window was open and the apartment was cold too, and it was as if I’d been shivering for hours. But I did it and he smiled at me and there was something in that smile that reminded me of the way my mother looked at me when I came down the stairs the first day of school. Then it became a game. I mean I relaxed and I pushed back a little bit, I told him to take off his own fucking clothes and he liked that I think. We laughed together and Christ what a relief that was, the two of us laughing, and then I was so glad to be there. Then all I wanted was him to take me up to his bed. There was nowhere else I wanted to go. Nowhere else.
I watched him. He never looked away from me. Not even to step out of his jeans. He was in O.K. shape. I mean he was
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