that precious, sensual, insidious circle.
Impulse. That was all it was.
She had given in to the impulse.
She waited for her breath to come back. For reason to come back.
‘Need another demonstration?’ His voice was tinged with mockery and the rawness of suppressed desire.
‘Following the moment brings its own consequences, Rihaan. I learnt that the hard way.’ She had been the rule-breaker. The one not afraid to try the deeper waters. And then she had gone too far. The price she had paid, she hadn’t even known she was paying it till it was too late.
He would have to accept her refusal. ‘You were right the first time. We need rules. One shouldn’t just rush headlong into things. It’s… it’s devastating when it all ends,’ she whispered.
‘Tell me.’
She stared at him. With desire still fresh, all she wanted to do was get away from him and hide. As though sensing her desire for escape, he caught her wrist, anchoring her.
‘What happened?’
‘The food—’ she started to say, gesturing towards their picnic hamper.
‘In a minute,’ he told her. ‘It has something to do with these, doesn’t it?’ He traced the scars at her elbow.
She flinched. So much for thinking he hadn’t paid much attention to them. He probably even knew, or at least had an intelligent surmise of how they had formed. No hope of hiding them from him now. No length of sleeves would cloak their presence from his eyes.
Yet that was the idea. To take what came in her stride and not hide any more. Wasn’t it?
Beyond the desire to open up, the deep need to know in his gaze prodded her on. She shook her head, ‘I don’t know where to start. It’s so complicated.’ She started in a low voice, gaining confidence as she went on. ‘From the early months of our marriage, Munish and I had troubles. We weren’t getting along well. Things just kept getting worse. In retrospect, I can see everything leading to the final breaking point. But at the time it didn’t feel like that. Things would get bad then they became normal again or even surprisingly better at times like family functions and weddings. Yet his mother kept getting more and more openly insulting to me. I thought, for Munish’s sake, I should tolerate everything she and his family put me through. That I had to be strong.
‘The thing is, I wasn’t being strong, Rihaan. I was being weak. I was refusing to face what was before me. That I didn’t feel the same as I did when I married him. Even refusing to admit it when I no longer wanted him. I made excuses for not wanting sex. I was tired. I was in a bad mood. But the truth was I didn’t want him to touch me. He thought he had every right as my husband—’
‘He didn’t try to force you!’ Shock sounded in his voice as a fist curled at his side.
Instinctively she put out a hand on his arm. She shook her head. ‘He had that much decency when it came to it. But I wouldn’t go through it again. I was frightened because he came close to losing control more than once. Very close.’
Rihaan swore a string of ear-burning words. ‘I would like to kill that bastard.’
‘No. He was just the product of his environment. Maybe that was his way of loving me even.’ She forced the words past the tightness in her throat. ‘He gave me everything in the way of material goods. Everything, but he didn’t know what I wanted was to have and hold up my pride. Not be humiliated again and again by taunts and deliberate put-downs from his mother like I was every day. I couldn’t laugh the way I used to because it offended them, I couldn’t talk or mingle. She was his mother and any way she acted was sacrosanct to him. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t cope.’
‘Then?’ The single word resounded in the evening air.
‘Then came the breaking point I mentioned.’ She fell silent, staring out at the sea, absently noting the sun touching the watery horizon. She had used to wonder what on earth had gone wrong.
Impulse. That was all it was.
She had given in to the impulse.
She waited for her breath to come back. For reason to come back.
‘Need another demonstration?’ His voice was tinged with mockery and the rawness of suppressed desire.
‘Following the moment brings its own consequences, Rihaan. I learnt that the hard way.’ She had been the rule-breaker. The one not afraid to try the deeper waters. And then she had gone too far. The price she had paid, she hadn’t even known she was paying it till it was too late.
He would have to accept her refusal. ‘You were right the first time. We need rules. One shouldn’t just rush headlong into things. It’s… it’s devastating when it all ends,’ she whispered.
‘Tell me.’
She stared at him. With desire still fresh, all she wanted to do was get away from him and hide. As though sensing her desire for escape, he caught her wrist, anchoring her.
‘What happened?’
‘The food—’ she started to say, gesturing towards their picnic hamper.
‘In a minute,’ he told her. ‘It has something to do with these, doesn’t it?’ He traced the scars at her elbow.
She flinched. So much for thinking he hadn’t paid much attention to them. He probably even knew, or at least had an intelligent surmise of how they had formed. No hope of hiding them from him now. No length of sleeves would cloak their presence from his eyes.
Yet that was the idea. To take what came in her stride and not hide any more. Wasn’t it?
Beyond the desire to open up, the deep need to know in his gaze prodded her on. She shook her head, ‘I don’t know where to start. It’s so complicated.’ She started in a low voice, gaining confidence as she went on. ‘From the early months of our marriage, Munish and I had troubles. We weren’t getting along well. Things just kept getting worse. In retrospect, I can see everything leading to the final breaking point. But at the time it didn’t feel like that. Things would get bad then they became normal again or even surprisingly better at times like family functions and weddings. Yet his mother kept getting more and more openly insulting to me. I thought, for Munish’s sake, I should tolerate everything she and his family put me through. That I had to be strong.
‘The thing is, I wasn’t being strong, Rihaan. I was being weak. I was refusing to face what was before me. That I didn’t feel the same as I did when I married him. Even refusing to admit it when I no longer wanted him. I made excuses for not wanting sex. I was tired. I was in a bad mood. But the truth was I didn’t want him to touch me. He thought he had every right as my husband—’
‘He didn’t try to force you!’ Shock sounded in his voice as a fist curled at his side.
Instinctively she put out a hand on his arm. She shook her head. ‘He had that much decency when it came to it. But I wouldn’t go through it again. I was frightened because he came close to losing control more than once. Very close.’
Rihaan swore a string of ear-burning words. ‘I would like to kill that bastard.’
‘No. He was just the product of his environment. Maybe that was his way of loving me even.’ She forced the words past the tightness in her throat. ‘He gave me everything in the way of material goods. Everything, but he didn’t know what I wanted was to have and hold up my pride. Not be humiliated again and again by taunts and deliberate put-downs from his mother like I was every day. I couldn’t laugh the way I used to because it offended them, I couldn’t talk or mingle. She was his mother and any way she acted was sacrosanct to him. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t cope.’
‘Then?’ The single word resounded in the evening air.
‘Then came the breaking point I mentioned.’ She fell silent, staring out at the sea, absently noting the sun touching the watery horizon. She had used to wonder what on earth had gone wrong.
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