Wolf of Arundale Hall by Jennifer Leeland Page B

she probably was, but she had years of hurt to deal with and he expected too much.
    “I gave up hope,” he said quietly. “I made myself believe you and my family were better off without me, without the Beast.”
    “You might have consulted us on the matter.”
    “That would have required bravery I did not have.” He glanced up and met her hostile gaze. “I have faced pirates, thieves and murderers and never flinched. But I could not face it if you looked on me with disgust or fear.” He tightened his lips. “I believed you would hate me for the creature I knew I became. I did not realize…” He shook his head. “No, I didn’t want to know that Perry was another like me. I was blind, Elizabeth. And I am deeply sorry that I have hurt you.”
    Her heart melted, as he probably knew it would. She stiffened her resolve and kept her wits. She wanted to take him in her arms and stroke his head. Instead she bit her tongue and stared out of the window onto the dark moor.
    Joshua’s silence was filled with pain. She could sense it coming from him like waves. When she finally turned her head to look at him, the sight made her heart crack wide open. His bleak, bitter expression and the slumped position of his body revealed a man broken. By her.
    “Joshua,” she said in a hoarse voice. She cleared her throat before she continued. “How can I ever trust you? You left me.” She wrapped her arms around her waist. “My parents died. Your brother flailed helplessly. Gerry was born. I was alone.”
    He nodded. “I know it.”
    She expected him to argue with her, to defend himself. But he seemed to take her rejection as his due. A far cry from the man who had said her resistance was a challenge. “You’ve given up, then?”
    His head snapped up and his eyes blazed brightly. “No! Never!”
    She stared at him. “Even if I never allow you in my bed.”
    He pursed his lips together. “Even then.”
    “You’re so sure you can change my mind,” she stated.
    He shook his head. “No.” His fingers threaded through his hair and he sighed. “I truly believed my absence was for the best. Now I can see how wrong I was to run, to leave my burdens for you to handle.” He straightened and gave her a level glance. “I hope you realize that was never my intention. When I left, Melinda was living with Lady North and Perry…” He stopped. “I had no idea this…thing that I became was a family trait.”
    “You must have realized when I wrote to you early on about his behavior.”
    Joshua shook his head. “I believed Perry was young and foolish. It wasn’t until Jaimison wrote me about the murder that I realized what the hints he’d given meant.” Joshua’s lips twisted into a self-recriminating smile. “Jaimison had been trying to tell me in his rather dry reports over the years, but I chose not to see it. And nothing you said revealed Perry’s obsessions.”
    That was true. She had written to Joshua only that Perry drank and caroused. It had been her unwillingness to insist on honest discussion that had kept Perry’s condition from Joshua. She bit her lip. Why had she obeyed his dictate to eliminate details? Her honesty compelled her to admit she’d been hurt and angry by his order for “nothing personal”. Had she taken it too far?
    She narrowed her eyes. “How did this become my fault?”
    He frowned. “I don’t blame you. You were eighteen when I left. And I was a fool to expect you to override my blatant desire for ignorance. Jaimison, of course, tried to tell me without revealing a family secret. I don’t blame him either.” He met her gaze. “I swear to you, Elizabeth, I did what I thought was right.”
    “And your insistence in our marriage bed? Your behavior at that house? What is that?” she seethed. He’d overridden her every wish, her very independence. Part of her knew he had the right to do so. He was her husband. More importantly, he was her mate. The mark on her inner thigh had not faded or