many years of my life, and for all the Muslims who are still trapped in these foolish beliefs, for all those who lost their lives in the name of these false doctrines, for all the women in virtually all the Islamic countries who suffer all sorts of abuses and oppressions. They do not even know they are being abused.
I thought of all the wars waged in the name of religion—so many people died for nothing. Millions of believers left their homes and families to wage war in the name of God, never to return, thinking they are spreading faith in God. They massacred millions of innocent people. Civilizations destroyed, libraries burned, and so much knowledge lost—for nothing. I recalled my father waking up in the early hours of the morning and in the icy water of the winter performing voodoo. I recalled him coming home hungry and thirsty during the month of fasting, and I thought of the billions of people who torture themselves in this way for nothing. The realization that all that I believed was a lieand all that I did was a waste of my life, and the fact that a billion other people are still lost in this arid desert of ignorance chasing a mirage that to them appears to be water was disappointing.
Prior to that God was always in the back of my mind. I used to talk to him in my imagination and those conversations seemed real to me. I thought God was watching and taking account of every good act that I did. The feeling that someone was watching over me, guiding my steps, and protecting me was very comforting. It was difficult to accept that there is no such thing as Allah and even if there is a God, it is not Allah. I did not give up the belief in God, but by then I knew for sure that if this universe has a maker, it couldn’t be the deity that Mohammad had envisioned. Allah was ignorant to the core. The Qur’an is full of errors. No Creator of this universe could be as stupid as the god of the Qur’an appeared to be. Allah could not have existed anywhere else except in the mind of a sick man. I understood that he was but a figment of Mohammad’s imagination and nothing more. How disappointed I was when I realized all these years I had been praying to a fantasy.
This feeling of loss and disappointment was accompanied by a sense of sadness, or some kind of depression. It was as if my whole world had fallen apart. I felt like the ground I was standing on was no longer there and I was falling into a bottomless pit. Without exaggerating, it felt like I was in hell.
I was bewildered, pleading for help, and no one could. I felt ashamed of my thoughts and hated myself for having such thoughts. The guilt was accompanied by a profound sense of loss and depression. As a rule, I am a positive thinker. I see the good side of everything. I always think tomorrow is going to be better than today. I am not the kind of person who is easily depressed. However, this feeling of loss was overwhelming. I still recall that weight in my heart. I thought God has forsaken me and I did not know why. “Is that God’s punishment?” I kept asking myself. I do not remember hurting anyone ever. I went out of my way to help anyone whose life crossed mine and asked me for help. So, why does God want to punish me in this way? Why is he not answering my prayers? Why has he left me to myself and these thoughts I can find no answers to? Does he want to test me? Then where are the answers to my prayers? Will I pass this test if I become stupid and stop using my brain? If so, why did he give me a brain? Would only dumb people pass the test of faith?
I felt betrayed and violated. I cannot say which feeling was predominant. At times I was disillusioned, sad, or dismayed. Even if faith is false, it is still sweet. It is very comforting to believe.
Juxtaposing my feelings of sadness and loss, I felt liberated. Curiously I no longer felt confused or guilty. I knew for sure the Qur’an was a hoax and Mohammad was an impostor.
To overcome this sadness I tried to
I thought of all the wars waged in the name of religion—so many people died for nothing. Millions of believers left their homes and families to wage war in the name of God, never to return, thinking they are spreading faith in God. They massacred millions of innocent people. Civilizations destroyed, libraries burned, and so much knowledge lost—for nothing. I recalled my father waking up in the early hours of the morning and in the icy water of the winter performing voodoo. I recalled him coming home hungry and thirsty during the month of fasting, and I thought of the billions of people who torture themselves in this way for nothing. The realization that all that I believed was a lieand all that I did was a waste of my life, and the fact that a billion other people are still lost in this arid desert of ignorance chasing a mirage that to them appears to be water was disappointing.
Prior to that God was always in the back of my mind. I used to talk to him in my imagination and those conversations seemed real to me. I thought God was watching and taking account of every good act that I did. The feeling that someone was watching over me, guiding my steps, and protecting me was very comforting. It was difficult to accept that there is no such thing as Allah and even if there is a God, it is not Allah. I did not give up the belief in God, but by then I knew for sure that if this universe has a maker, it couldn’t be the deity that Mohammad had envisioned. Allah was ignorant to the core. The Qur’an is full of errors. No Creator of this universe could be as stupid as the god of the Qur’an appeared to be. Allah could not have existed anywhere else except in the mind of a sick man. I understood that he was but a figment of Mohammad’s imagination and nothing more. How disappointed I was when I realized all these years I had been praying to a fantasy.
This feeling of loss and disappointment was accompanied by a sense of sadness, or some kind of depression. It was as if my whole world had fallen apart. I felt like the ground I was standing on was no longer there and I was falling into a bottomless pit. Without exaggerating, it felt like I was in hell.
I was bewildered, pleading for help, and no one could. I felt ashamed of my thoughts and hated myself for having such thoughts. The guilt was accompanied by a profound sense of loss and depression. As a rule, I am a positive thinker. I see the good side of everything. I always think tomorrow is going to be better than today. I am not the kind of person who is easily depressed. However, this feeling of loss was overwhelming. I still recall that weight in my heart. I thought God has forsaken me and I did not know why. “Is that God’s punishment?” I kept asking myself. I do not remember hurting anyone ever. I went out of my way to help anyone whose life crossed mine and asked me for help. So, why does God want to punish me in this way? Why is he not answering my prayers? Why has he left me to myself and these thoughts I can find no answers to? Does he want to test me? Then where are the answers to my prayers? Will I pass this test if I become stupid and stop using my brain? If so, why did he give me a brain? Would only dumb people pass the test of faith?
I felt betrayed and violated. I cannot say which feeling was predominant. At times I was disillusioned, sad, or dismayed. Even if faith is false, it is still sweet. It is very comforting to believe.
Juxtaposing my feelings of sadness and loss, I felt liberated. Curiously I no longer felt confused or guilty. I knew for sure the Qur’an was a hoax and Mohammad was an impostor.
To overcome this sadness I tried to
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