Why Do Men Have Nipples? by Mark Leyner
Authors: Mark Leyner
Tags: Humor, General, science, Medical, Reference, Adult, Health & Fitness, Topic, Form, Life Sciences, medicine, Questions & Answers, Miscellanea, Topic - Adult, Anatomy & Physiology, American Satire And Humor, Comic Strips & Cartoons, Medicine (General)
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twelve joints a day. Your eye pressure might be lower but you will be too stoned to get anything else accomplished except naked guitar playing, gluttonous pork rind consumption, or deriving profound meaning from Rob Schneider films.
SHOULD YOU DRINK BRANDY WHEN YOU
HAVE FROSTBITE?
The arrival of the Saint Bernard with the little cask around its neck is a heartwarming image but drinking alcohol to warm yourself or prevent frostbite doesn’t make any medical sense, we’re sorry to report. Alcohol consumption actually can be dangerous in these conditions as it decreases blood circulation and thus can enhance heat loss and impair shivering.
CAN YOU GET HIGH FROM LICKING A TOAD?
Poor, sad toads. They always seem to take a backseat to the frogs. Frogs get kissed and turn into princes, and toads just get to cause warts. Well, here is some good news for toads. Toads do not cause warts. Toads do, however, produce a protective substance in the parotid gland behind the eyes. This toxin can make animals, such as dogs, very sick and can be irritating to the human eye. But some people go way beyond touching toads and actually lick them in an attempt to get high from a “psychedelic” substance supposedly found on its skin.
The species known as the Bufo toad does have a psychedelic substance on its skin. This substance is similar to serotonin and LSD and can cause hallucinations. Be careful when trying this method because some people have been arrested for toad licking.
WHY DO PEOPLE SEEM MORE ATTRACTIVE
TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK?
Straight from the Department of Psychology at the University of Glasgow, a paper entitled “Alcohol Consumption Increases Attractiveness Ratings of Opposite-Sex Faces: A Possible Third Route to Risky Sex,” thus proving that beer goggles do exist. Feel free to use this paper to excuse your bad behavior.
CHAPTER 6
BATHROOM HUMOR
Leyner seems to have rebounded from his brief period of remorse and sorrow, and is now back to his crazed ways. Tequila in hand, he is delivering a rambling quasi-coherent lecture about cultural differences in post-defecation hygiene. The audience is appalled, yet raptly entranced by his scholarly scatological soliloquy. As Leyner continues, a hand pops up in the back of the room. The hand belongs to Joel Blake, a celebrity orthodontist, who starts to ask a question but begins to stammer as tears well up in his eyes.
Leyner moves through the crowd with the style and empathic grace of Oprah Winfrey, grabs his hand, and says, “It’s okay Joel, you can tell us, you are among friends.”
“I wipe standing up!” Joel blurts out.
There is a cackle from the gallery but Leyner silences the offender with an icy stare.
“We need to honor everyone’s Way of Wiping,” Leyner says serenely, as he hugs Joel.
The bathroom and all that occurs behind closed doors may be the final taboo. Yet when placed in a comforting environment or in a locker room, people will share their secrets often to unfortunate results.
CAN YOU DRINK YOUR OWN URINE?
Thanks to our wonderful democratic society, you can do whatever you want. The better question is, Why would you want to drink your own piss?
Drinking small amounts of your own urine is probably safe. It is made up of 95 percent water, 2.5 percent urea, and 2.5 percent salt, other minerals, hormones, and enzymes. Actually, some folks consider it to have therapeutic properties. Ask the Chinese Association of Urine Therapy. They say urine is sterile, antiseptic, and nontoxic.
For serious yoga practitioners, drinking one’s urine is called amaroli. One of the most famous users of urine therapy was the prime minister of India from 1977 to 1979, Morarji Desai. At the celebration of his ninety-ninth birthday, Desai attributed his longevity to drinking urine on a daily basis. But, we plan on sticking to morning coffee, a good glass of cabernet, and an occasional Yoo-hoo, even if it knocks a year or two off our life spans.
WHY CAN
SHOULD YOU DRINK BRANDY WHEN YOU
HAVE FROSTBITE?
The arrival of the Saint Bernard with the little cask around its neck is a heartwarming image but drinking alcohol to warm yourself or prevent frostbite doesn’t make any medical sense, we’re sorry to report. Alcohol consumption actually can be dangerous in these conditions as it decreases blood circulation and thus can enhance heat loss and impair shivering.
CAN YOU GET HIGH FROM LICKING A TOAD?
Poor, sad toads. They always seem to take a backseat to the frogs. Frogs get kissed and turn into princes, and toads just get to cause warts. Well, here is some good news for toads. Toads do not cause warts. Toads do, however, produce a protective substance in the parotid gland behind the eyes. This toxin can make animals, such as dogs, very sick and can be irritating to the human eye. But some people go way beyond touching toads and actually lick them in an attempt to get high from a “psychedelic” substance supposedly found on its skin.
The species known as the Bufo toad does have a psychedelic substance on its skin. This substance is similar to serotonin and LSD and can cause hallucinations. Be careful when trying this method because some people have been arrested for toad licking.
WHY DO PEOPLE SEEM MORE ATTRACTIVE
TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK?
Straight from the Department of Psychology at the University of Glasgow, a paper entitled “Alcohol Consumption Increases Attractiveness Ratings of Opposite-Sex Faces: A Possible Third Route to Risky Sex,” thus proving that beer goggles do exist. Feel free to use this paper to excuse your bad behavior.
CHAPTER 6
BATHROOM HUMOR
Leyner seems to have rebounded from his brief period of remorse and sorrow, and is now back to his crazed ways. Tequila in hand, he is delivering a rambling quasi-coherent lecture about cultural differences in post-defecation hygiene. The audience is appalled, yet raptly entranced by his scholarly scatological soliloquy. As Leyner continues, a hand pops up in the back of the room. The hand belongs to Joel Blake, a celebrity orthodontist, who starts to ask a question but begins to stammer as tears well up in his eyes.
Leyner moves through the crowd with the style and empathic grace of Oprah Winfrey, grabs his hand, and says, “It’s okay Joel, you can tell us, you are among friends.”
“I wipe standing up!” Joel blurts out.
There is a cackle from the gallery but Leyner silences the offender with an icy stare.
“We need to honor everyone’s Way of Wiping,” Leyner says serenely, as he hugs Joel.
The bathroom and all that occurs behind closed doors may be the final taboo. Yet when placed in a comforting environment or in a locker room, people will share their secrets often to unfortunate results.
CAN YOU DRINK YOUR OWN URINE?
Thanks to our wonderful democratic society, you can do whatever you want. The better question is, Why would you want to drink your own piss?
Drinking small amounts of your own urine is probably safe. It is made up of 95 percent water, 2.5 percent urea, and 2.5 percent salt, other minerals, hormones, and enzymes. Actually, some folks consider it to have therapeutic properties. Ask the Chinese Association of Urine Therapy. They say urine is sterile, antiseptic, and nontoxic.
For serious yoga practitioners, drinking one’s urine is called amaroli. One of the most famous users of urine therapy was the prime minister of India from 1977 to 1979, Morarji Desai. At the celebration of his ninety-ninth birthday, Desai attributed his longevity to drinking urine on a daily basis. But, we plan on sticking to morning coffee, a good glass of cabernet, and an occasional Yoo-hoo, even if it knocks a year or two off our life spans.
WHY CAN
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