more specific?’ said Pierre.
‘Seeing as this is probably my last holiday before I get pregnant and my life is over, I think I’m entitled to be fussy.’
‘No donkey-trekking in the Himalayas?’
‘Not unless you want to go to Vancouver alone.’
‘So, you’re OK about having children soon?’
‘How many were you planning on having?’
‘Six.’
‘Well, you need to propose to someone else.’
‘Four?’
‘Let’s start with one and see how we go.’
‘I don’t want an only child. I’d like them to have siblings.’
‘You turned out OK.’
‘I was lonely.’
‘OK, two kids.’
‘Let’s keep an open mind.’
‘Three is my final offer. Take it or leave it.’
‘I prefer even numbers but I’ll take it.’
‘How magnanimous of you.’
‘I try to be.’
‘Hey.’
‘What?’
‘Thanks for asking.’
‘Isn’t it fairly normal practice for a man to ask his wife-to-be if she wants to have children?’
‘I mean the marriage proposal.’
‘Even though I botched it up?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re very welcome. And thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For saying yes.’
The next day we went to several jewellers and picked out a beautiful solitaire. I couldn’t stop staring at it. The ring made the whole thing so real. I was Pierre’s fiancée! His wife-to-be! I was in seventh heaven and dying to tell my family the good news, but I couldn’t. It would have to wait until St Patrick’s weekend when I went home.
In the meantime I had to starve myself for my in-laws’ imminent visit, keep up with current affairs… and write a column.
Irish Daily News
‘The new girlfriend’
Niamh O’Flaherty
When a man’s best friend turns up in the pub with a new young girlfriend, who is drop-dead gorgeous, his friend whoops. He high-fives him, says how the hell did a dog like you manage to pick up a babe like that, and then he goes home that night dying to tell his wife all about her.
HUSBAND : ‘I just met Tim’s new girlfriend. She’s a young one.’
WIFE : ‘How young?’
HUSBAND : ‘I dunno, about twenty-four, twenty-five. A total fox, fair play to him.’
WIFE, BUTTONING UP HER FLEECY PYJAMAS : ‘What do you mean “fox”?’
HUSBAND : ‘A cracking-looking girl.’
WIFE, GETTING GRUMPY : ‘In what way?What’s so amazing about her?’
HUSBAND : ‘She’s a six-foot blonde with legs up to her neck. She looks like your one, Cameron Diaz.’
WIFE : ‘What?There is no way. Tim’s going out with someone who looks like Cameron Diaz? You’ve had too much to drink. You’ve got your beer goggles on.’
HUSBAND : ‘No, I don’t, I said it to Tim and he said people come up to her and say it all the time. She’s the image of her.’
WIFE, FEELING IRRATIONALLY THREATENED BY A GIRL SHE’S NEVER EVEN MET : ‘I bet she’s only using him for his money.’
HUSBAND : ‘Apparently she’s loaded. She runs her own recruitment agency.’
WIFE : ‘I bet you she’s one of those high-class hookers. They always have good cover stories. I bet you Tim met her on the Internet.’
HUSBAND : ‘That’s a terrible accusation. He met her in the gym. They have the same personal trainer.’
WIFE, FURIOUS WITH HERSELF FOR BEING SUCH A JEALOUS WENCH, BUT EVEN MORE ANNOYED WITH TIM FOR GOING OUT WITH A YOUNG STICK-INSECT : ‘So, she has to work at keeping the weight off?’
HUSBAND : ‘No, she’s training for a triathlon.’
Wife now feels violent hatred for this super-fit, super-rich supermodel.
HUSBAND : ‘Tim wants us to meet up for a meal on Friday.’
WIFE : ‘Tell him we’re busy.’
HUSBAND : ‘I’ve already told him we’re free.’
WIFE : ‘I’ve nothing to wear, I hate all my clothes.’
HUSBAND : ‘Wear your red dress, you always look nice in that.’
WIFE : ‘I can’t bloody well fit into it. I’m not going out with some rich, successful beanpole, who’ll make me look like an old, fat, unsuccessful hag.’
HUSBAND : ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not old or fat and
‘Seeing as this is probably my last holiday before I get pregnant and my life is over, I think I’m entitled to be fussy.’
‘No donkey-trekking in the Himalayas?’
‘Not unless you want to go to Vancouver alone.’
‘So, you’re OK about having children soon?’
‘How many were you planning on having?’
‘Six.’
‘Well, you need to propose to someone else.’
‘Four?’
‘Let’s start with one and see how we go.’
‘I don’t want an only child. I’d like them to have siblings.’
‘You turned out OK.’
‘I was lonely.’
‘OK, two kids.’
‘Let’s keep an open mind.’
‘Three is my final offer. Take it or leave it.’
‘I prefer even numbers but I’ll take it.’
‘How magnanimous of you.’
‘I try to be.’
‘Hey.’
‘What?’
‘Thanks for asking.’
‘Isn’t it fairly normal practice for a man to ask his wife-to-be if she wants to have children?’
‘I mean the marriage proposal.’
‘Even though I botched it up?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re very welcome. And thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For saying yes.’
The next day we went to several jewellers and picked out a beautiful solitaire. I couldn’t stop staring at it. The ring made the whole thing so real. I was Pierre’s fiancée! His wife-to-be! I was in seventh heaven and dying to tell my family the good news, but I couldn’t. It would have to wait until St Patrick’s weekend when I went home.
In the meantime I had to starve myself for my in-laws’ imminent visit, keep up with current affairs… and write a column.
Irish Daily News
‘The new girlfriend’
Niamh O’Flaherty
When a man’s best friend turns up in the pub with a new young girlfriend, who is drop-dead gorgeous, his friend whoops. He high-fives him, says how the hell did a dog like you manage to pick up a babe like that, and then he goes home that night dying to tell his wife all about her.
HUSBAND : ‘I just met Tim’s new girlfriend. She’s a young one.’
WIFE : ‘How young?’
HUSBAND : ‘I dunno, about twenty-four, twenty-five. A total fox, fair play to him.’
WIFE, BUTTONING UP HER FLEECY PYJAMAS : ‘What do you mean “fox”?’
HUSBAND : ‘A cracking-looking girl.’
WIFE, GETTING GRUMPY : ‘In what way?What’s so amazing about her?’
HUSBAND : ‘She’s a six-foot blonde with legs up to her neck. She looks like your one, Cameron Diaz.’
WIFE : ‘What?There is no way. Tim’s going out with someone who looks like Cameron Diaz? You’ve had too much to drink. You’ve got your beer goggles on.’
HUSBAND : ‘No, I don’t, I said it to Tim and he said people come up to her and say it all the time. She’s the image of her.’
WIFE, FEELING IRRATIONALLY THREATENED BY A GIRL SHE’S NEVER EVEN MET : ‘I bet she’s only using him for his money.’
HUSBAND : ‘Apparently she’s loaded. She runs her own recruitment agency.’
WIFE : ‘I bet you she’s one of those high-class hookers. They always have good cover stories. I bet you Tim met her on the Internet.’
HUSBAND : ‘That’s a terrible accusation. He met her in the gym. They have the same personal trainer.’
WIFE, FURIOUS WITH HERSELF FOR BEING SUCH A JEALOUS WENCH, BUT EVEN MORE ANNOYED WITH TIM FOR GOING OUT WITH A YOUNG STICK-INSECT : ‘So, she has to work at keeping the weight off?’
HUSBAND : ‘No, she’s training for a triathlon.’
Wife now feels violent hatred for this super-fit, super-rich supermodel.
HUSBAND : ‘Tim wants us to meet up for a meal on Friday.’
WIFE : ‘Tell him we’re busy.’
HUSBAND : ‘I’ve already told him we’re free.’
WIFE : ‘I’ve nothing to wear, I hate all my clothes.’
HUSBAND : ‘Wear your red dress, you always look nice in that.’
WIFE : ‘I can’t bloody well fit into it. I’m not going out with some rich, successful beanpole, who’ll make me look like an old, fat, unsuccessful hag.’
HUSBAND : ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not old or fat and
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