around in her mink without getting cans of red paint thrown at her. Perhaps the difference boiled down to the fact that Deborah relied on a man, while Geraldine was perfectly self-sufficient and, once bitten, had no need of one.
How have they managed to accumulate so many decorations? It’s slightly tricky because Geraldine keeps adding to the stocks: ‘I thought you might like this, dear, I was having a clear out and look what I found …’ Juliet likes her tree to be organized and themed. She might change it each year – last year it was mostly red with a few touches of orange, and this year she’s planning to go all gold. She’s already earmarked the correct box of baubles, but, annoyingly, Alex is opening up the others and trying to act as though he’s helping. Ben is always interested in what Daddy is doing, wanting to copy him, so naturally Ben is delving into Daddy’s box. ‘Darling, not that one,’ Juliet says. It’s all getting a bit out of hand because now Geraldine is starting on the red balls.
‘Geraldine, I thought we’d go gold this year. They’re all in the box just here. Benjamin, not that one.’
‘It doesn’t matter, they’re just decorations. Why do you have to be so fussy? I think the tree looks better when it’s got all sorts of different balls on it. We don’t want it looking like something out of Selfridges’ shop window, do we?’ Alex says.
‘’Fridges is where I saw Father Christmas,’ Ben adds.
‘I’d be perfectly happy if it looked like Selfridges’ window,’ Juliet sighs heavily.
‘Just think, they must have to do hundreds. I saw a programme on Liberty’s and these poor women had to do about two hundred in one night. Just imagine. I didn’t work it out but they must do them terribly quickly.’
‘Really, Geraldine? If anyone wants to leave me to it, honestly, I’d be perfectly happy,’ Juliet smiles through gritted teeth.
‘No, no, we’ll all muck in. So much nicer if we all do it, don’t you think? And we must all share the work, Juliet. Otherwise it’s not fair on you.’
After another ten minutes of subversive behaviour from her willing helpers, Juliet stands back to look at the damage. Yep, it looks truly awful. ‘Wonderful,’ she says. ‘Well done everyone. Just soooo pretty.’
‘There you are, dear. I told you it would be best if we all did it.’
‘Thank you, Geraldine. Now, surely it must be time for a drink!’
* * * * *
Ben comes leaping onto their bed squeaking with excitement. Alex always had a shooting stocking as a child, and every year argues that is precisely what should suffice, but the contents of Ben’s stocking require something larger. Geraldine is a particularly fine needlewoman and so Juliet commissioned her to make a special giant-sized stocking, a red background appliquéd with a large white ‘B’. Ben is lugging his personal stocking. ‘Look, Mummy … look, Daddy, Santa came to see me. I must have been a good boy. Look …’
‘What did I tell you?’ Juliet says.
‘’member when we got stuck in one of those big car parks, Mummy, and you used the F-word a lot, and then the man came and it was all right? I was thinking, what if Rudolph got stuck in the car park. Cos do you ’member, Mummy, that’s where you said Santa parked it when we went to see him at ’fridges …?’
Juliet interrupts the monologue: ‘Let’s see what Santa brought you, darling.’
‘Gloves. Look they’ve got little flaps that go over my fingers and a tiger … roawrr …’ Ben delves further in and pulls out a pair of stripy socks which he throws onto the bed with barely a look. Next there’s a torch with different colours which he flashes into Alex’s eyes, and Alex says: ‘For Christ’s sake, Ben, do you want to blind me!’ As he gets deeper in, he barely glances at each gift, before casting it onto the bed and reaching for the next item. There’s a set of crayons, and pencils with Ben Miller
How have they managed to accumulate so many decorations? It’s slightly tricky because Geraldine keeps adding to the stocks: ‘I thought you might like this, dear, I was having a clear out and look what I found …’ Juliet likes her tree to be organized and themed. She might change it each year – last year it was mostly red with a few touches of orange, and this year she’s planning to go all gold. She’s already earmarked the correct box of baubles, but, annoyingly, Alex is opening up the others and trying to act as though he’s helping. Ben is always interested in what Daddy is doing, wanting to copy him, so naturally Ben is delving into Daddy’s box. ‘Darling, not that one,’ Juliet says. It’s all getting a bit out of hand because now Geraldine is starting on the red balls.
‘Geraldine, I thought we’d go gold this year. They’re all in the box just here. Benjamin, not that one.’
‘It doesn’t matter, they’re just decorations. Why do you have to be so fussy? I think the tree looks better when it’s got all sorts of different balls on it. We don’t want it looking like something out of Selfridges’ shop window, do we?’ Alex says.
‘’Fridges is where I saw Father Christmas,’ Ben adds.
‘I’d be perfectly happy if it looked like Selfridges’ window,’ Juliet sighs heavily.
‘Just think, they must have to do hundreds. I saw a programme on Liberty’s and these poor women had to do about two hundred in one night. Just imagine. I didn’t work it out but they must do them terribly quickly.’
‘Really, Geraldine? If anyone wants to leave me to it, honestly, I’d be perfectly happy,’ Juliet smiles through gritted teeth.
‘No, no, we’ll all muck in. So much nicer if we all do it, don’t you think? And we must all share the work, Juliet. Otherwise it’s not fair on you.’
After another ten minutes of subversive behaviour from her willing helpers, Juliet stands back to look at the damage. Yep, it looks truly awful. ‘Wonderful,’ she says. ‘Well done everyone. Just soooo pretty.’
‘There you are, dear. I told you it would be best if we all did it.’
‘Thank you, Geraldine. Now, surely it must be time for a drink!’
* * * * *
Ben comes leaping onto their bed squeaking with excitement. Alex always had a shooting stocking as a child, and every year argues that is precisely what should suffice, but the contents of Ben’s stocking require something larger. Geraldine is a particularly fine needlewoman and so Juliet commissioned her to make a special giant-sized stocking, a red background appliquéd with a large white ‘B’. Ben is lugging his personal stocking. ‘Look, Mummy … look, Daddy, Santa came to see me. I must have been a good boy. Look …’
‘What did I tell you?’ Juliet says.
‘’member when we got stuck in one of those big car parks, Mummy, and you used the F-word a lot, and then the man came and it was all right? I was thinking, what if Rudolph got stuck in the car park. Cos do you ’member, Mummy, that’s where you said Santa parked it when we went to see him at ’fridges …?’
Juliet interrupts the monologue: ‘Let’s see what Santa brought you, darling.’
‘Gloves. Look they’ve got little flaps that go over my fingers and a tiger … roawrr …’ Ben delves further in and pulls out a pair of stripy socks which he throws onto the bed with barely a look. Next there’s a torch with different colours which he flashes into Alex’s eyes, and Alex says: ‘For Christ’s sake, Ben, do you want to blind me!’ As he gets deeper in, he barely glances at each gift, before casting it onto the bed and reaching for the next item. There’s a set of crayons, and pencils with Ben Miller
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