When You Were Older by Catherine Ryan Hyde Page A

school – were getting into the car in their driveway. Vince was in uniform. And I knew this was their actual moment. I could tell by the gravity on the faces of the family. They were taking him to the airport, or the train station. Or wherever you take your son at a time like that.
    Vince had been famous for his shaggy long black hair in high school. Now he was shaved close to the scalp, especially on the sides.
    I stopped. I broke my run.
    ‘Hey,’ I said. ‘Vince.’
    By then Vince was the only Buck not in the car. So I couldn’t really say hi to Hannah. I wondered if she’d done that on purpose, or hadn’t even seen me.
    ‘Rusty,’ he said.
    ‘Sorry I missed you guys last night.’
    ‘No big deal. Mark was being weird about it, but you know how Mark is. Nobody agreed with him or anything.’
    Then we just stood there, no sounds except my breathlessness. Already out of things to say.
    But I noticed something. I’d said I didn’t know Vince or Paul the way I knew Larry. But now I knew I was wrong. They were all guys I’d gone to school with. Larry only seemed head and shoulders above the rest because I’d just seen him. Now I was seeing Vince, too. And knowing I didn’t want Vince to come home in a body bag, either.
    ‘So come home safe,’ I said. ‘OK?’
    ‘You bet,’ he said. Not seeming the slightest bit nervous. ‘You know I’m doing this for you.’
    It seemed like a bizarre thing to say.
    ‘For me?’
    ‘Well. You and everybody else who was in those buildings.’
    ‘Oh. Right. Got it.’
    I couldn’t help thinking about Afghani civilians who would inevitably die. Civilians always do. Along with young men in uniforms. And I thought, Don’t do it for me. But I got smart and didn’t say so. I didn’t say a word about pointlessness. I was learning.
    I just shook his hand and then ran again.
    It was a weird morning.
    It was after dinner, and I had just finished washing the dishes.
    I looked around and realized that I didn’t know where Ben was.
    I stuck my head in the TV room. His bedroom. No Ben.
    ‘Ben?’ I called, already at the edge of panic.
    No answer.
    I checked the bathroom. No Ben.
    I found him in the living room. Thank God. And I breathed for what felt like the first time in a long time.
    ‘Buddy. Why didn’t you answer me?’
    ‘What?’
    ‘I was calling you.’
    ‘Oh.’
    I walked over to where he was standing. In front of the mantelpiece. Standing staring at the mantel, the way I’d done my first night back. I’d been thinking about the Christmas village. What was Ben thinking about?
    As I moved closer, I saw that one of the pictures of Mom and Dad was missing. But I found it. Just a split second later. In Ben’s hands.
    I reached up and put my hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away from me. Which hurt my feelings. I wasn’t prepared for it to hurt my feelings.
    ‘You miss her,’ I said. ‘Huh?’
    He didn’t answer for a long time. I’d begun to think he never would. He didn’t take his eyes off the picture.
    ‘She’s not coming back,’ he said. ‘Is she?’
    I took a big, deep breath.
    ‘She would if she could, Buddy. But she can’t. No.’
    Another long moment.
    Then I said, ‘Hey. Isn’t it time for those cartoons you like so much?’
    ‘I dunno.’
    ‘It’s six thirty. Isn’t that when the first one comes on?’
    ‘I guess.’
    ‘Want to watch it with me?’
    ‘I guess.’
    He ambled into the TV room with me, still clutching the picture. I sat him down in one of the big stuffed chairs.
    ‘What channel, Buddy?’
    ‘I dunno.’
    I knew that, if left to his own devices, he’d find the cartoons. But I didn’t want to argue with him. So I just started looking for the TV listings.
    ‘Where’s the TV section?’
    ‘The what?’
    ‘The TV listings. From the paper.’
    No answer, so I just kept looking. I looked on the coffee table. Under the chairs. On top of the TV.
    Then I heard a sound. A muffled banging sound. Like an impact of some