When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home by Erma Bombeck Page B

know where you're going.”
    “I don't want to panic you, but our plane leaves in four days. We are going the wrong way. You didn't believe me when I told you the smoke alarm in our kitchen needed batteries either.”
    “It's hereditary. Your mother couldn't find her way out of a phone booth if you turned her around. I love your mother. I love your whole family. All of you just need to be supervised at all times!”
    topic: “Only an idiot jogs here!”
    place: African bush in Kenya
    length of argument: Three days
    highlights:
    “Was it your intention to bring me to Africa married and send me home a widow? Because if it was I'm going to cash in the insurance policies now, have my entire body lifted, and go straight to the French Riviera.”
    “If you are not back in two days, we're leaving you here. This is my final word. No one is going to feel sorry for you because you're stupid. We're going to ship your body home and prop it up in the Boston Marathon. It will be hours before people realize you're not moving under your own steam.”
    “There's danger out there. Don't you realize that? You can't outrun a cheetah doing a twenty-minute mile.”
    “Honey, I'm only saying these rotten things because I love you and I care about you. I cannot imagine what I would do without you.”
    “OK, be stubborn. If you break your leg, don't come running to me!”
    topic: “I am ready to walk out the door and you have to go to the bathroom. Why am I not surprised?”
    place: Europe, Asia, Mideast, South America, South Pacific, Orient, Caribbean, Mediterranean, Mexico, Australia, and every place we've ever visited
    length of argument: Time it takes to go to the bathroom
    highlights:
    “I swear you have kidneys the size of lentils.”
    “I could go too if I thought about it long enough, but I don't want to inconvenience all the people who have to wait for me.”
    “Why do you think you will never see another bathroom during the next six hours? They're everywhere, you know.”
    “It's nothing but a habit. You see me going out the door and your mind instantly goes to your biological functions. You are so programmed, you see an open door and run for the bathroom.”
    “I know what you're doing in there. You're killing time. You have to put the lid down, refold the towels, dry off the soap, replace the washers, alphabetize your toiletries, and look at your teeth.”
    topic: “What do you mean I don't need a rug?”
    place: Athens, Greece
    length of argument: Ongoing today
    highlights:
    “I've got arthritis and I don't need that, either. It's not like I'm buying a country.”
    “I wouldn't dream of asking you to carry it. Just give me my airline ticket and I'll sit on the wing so you won't be embarrassed.”
    “Hey, you're the one who bought a Vuitton suitcase in Hong Kong for $36 and Vuitton was misspelled. Don't tell me about shopping carefully.”
    “I am spending my own money on it and am putting it in the hallway. If you want to walk on it, there will be a toll basket at each end. You can either toss in coins each time or you can buy tokens.”
    “How do I know it will fit? How do I know Wednesday follows Tuesday? I just know it, that's all. If I don't know, who's to know?”
    “I heard that! And I could not get the same thing for less at Wal-Mart.”
    topic: “I am not going scuba diving.”
    place: St. Thomas
    length of argument: Twelve hours
    highlights:
    “I wish I were one of those perfect people who do not have a single fear, but I'm not and that's my final word on the subject.”
    “If God meant for me to crawl around on the ocean floor, He would have given me anchors for feet.” “Why is it when I don't want to do what you want to do I'm always wrong? You love making me feel inferior, don't you?”
    “Every time I've seen a diver on Jacques Cousteau specials, he has fear in his eyes. Enough said. Case closed.”
    “When I started this trip I said to myself, 'How can I ruin his vacation?' and I answered myself,