medium.” Nothing wrong with that, but it’s called store clerk, not retail consultant, and not customer service associate. Apparently, stores feel they can charge more for merchandise sold by a customer service associate than they can for the same junk sold by a clerk. By the way, if a clerk should be unhappy with his title, he can always move to a different store, where he may have a chance of being called a product service representative, a sales representative or a sales associate.
And I hope you took note of that word, associate. That’s a hot word with companies now. I saw a fast-food employee mopping the floor at an In-N-Out Burger andI swear this is truehis name tag said “associate.” Okay? It’s the truth. Apparently, instead of money, they now give out these bogus titles.
At another fast-food place, Au Bon Pain, I noticed the cashiers name tag said hospitality representative. The cashier. The name tag was pinned to her uniform. The people who sell these uniforms now refer to them as career apparel Oreven worseteam wear. I had to sit down when I heard that. Team wear.
Teams are also big in business; almost as big as associates. In Los Angeles his KooKooRoo restaurants the employee name tags say “team member.” At a Whole Foods supermarket, I talked to the head of the meat department about ordering a special item; I figured he was the head butcher. But his name tag identified him as the meat team leader. Throw that on your resume. I guess the people under him would have been meat team associates. I didn’t stick around to ask.
So it’s all about employee morale. And in a lot of companies, as part of morale-building, the employees are called staff. But it’s all right, because most customers are now called clients. With those designations, I guess the companies can pay the staff less and charge the clients more.
I’m not sure when all this job-title inflation began, but it’s been building for a while. At some point in the past thirty years secretaries became personal assistants or executive assistants. Many of them now consider those terms too common, so they call themselves administrative aides.
Everyone wants to sound more important these days:
Teachers became educators, drummers became percussionists.
movie directors became filmmakers,
company presidents became chief executive officers,
family doctors became primary-care providers,
manicurists became nail technicians,
magazine photographers became photojournalists,
weightlifters became bodybuilders
and bounty hunters now prefer to be called recovery agents
And speaking of lifting, those retail-store security people who keep an eye on shoplifters are known as loss-prevention managers. Still more to come. Later.
Schmuek School: Call Now!
Why not be a schmuek? A licensed, practicing schmuek. Or, if you qualify, a GPS, a certified public schmuek. It may not seem like it when you look around, but there’s actually a shortage of schmucks in America. As a result, there’s big money in schmucking. The average schmuek earns $28,000 a year, plus benefits. And there are openings for schmucks in every field: The government is run by schmucks; big business is run by schmucks; and the retail field is crawling with shmucks. And, more and more, people are becoming independent, freelance schmucks on their own. Call the Schmuek Technical Institute today and get our free booklet, Hey Putz, Be a Schmuek! Most people only manage to be schmucks at parties, but here’s your chance to become a full-time, year-round schmuek. Give us a call. Don’t be a schmuek, be a schmuek.
IN THE FUTURE:
The human life span will be extended to 200 years, but the last 150 will be spent in unremitting pain and sadness.
No one will take drugs, but people will still buy them and conceal them from the police.
Children will be required to attend school only when something comes up in conversation they do not understand.
All people will speak the same language, but no one
And I hope you took note of that word, associate. That’s a hot word with companies now. I saw a fast-food employee mopping the floor at an In-N-Out Burger andI swear this is truehis name tag said “associate.” Okay? It’s the truth. Apparently, instead of money, they now give out these bogus titles.
At another fast-food place, Au Bon Pain, I noticed the cashiers name tag said hospitality representative. The cashier. The name tag was pinned to her uniform. The people who sell these uniforms now refer to them as career apparel Oreven worseteam wear. I had to sit down when I heard that. Team wear.
Teams are also big in business; almost as big as associates. In Los Angeles his KooKooRoo restaurants the employee name tags say “team member.” At a Whole Foods supermarket, I talked to the head of the meat department about ordering a special item; I figured he was the head butcher. But his name tag identified him as the meat team leader. Throw that on your resume. I guess the people under him would have been meat team associates. I didn’t stick around to ask.
So it’s all about employee morale. And in a lot of companies, as part of morale-building, the employees are called staff. But it’s all right, because most customers are now called clients. With those designations, I guess the companies can pay the staff less and charge the clients more.
I’m not sure when all this job-title inflation began, but it’s been building for a while. At some point in the past thirty years secretaries became personal assistants or executive assistants. Many of them now consider those terms too common, so they call themselves administrative aides.
Everyone wants to sound more important these days:
Teachers became educators, drummers became percussionists.
movie directors became filmmakers,
company presidents became chief executive officers,
family doctors became primary-care providers,
manicurists became nail technicians,
magazine photographers became photojournalists,
weightlifters became bodybuilders
and bounty hunters now prefer to be called recovery agents
And speaking of lifting, those retail-store security people who keep an eye on shoplifters are known as loss-prevention managers. Still more to come. Later.
Schmuek School: Call Now!
Why not be a schmuek? A licensed, practicing schmuek. Or, if you qualify, a GPS, a certified public schmuek. It may not seem like it when you look around, but there’s actually a shortage of schmucks in America. As a result, there’s big money in schmucking. The average schmuek earns $28,000 a year, plus benefits. And there are openings for schmucks in every field: The government is run by schmucks; big business is run by schmucks; and the retail field is crawling with shmucks. And, more and more, people are becoming independent, freelance schmucks on their own. Call the Schmuek Technical Institute today and get our free booklet, Hey Putz, Be a Schmuek! Most people only manage to be schmucks at parties, but here’s your chance to become a full-time, year-round schmuek. Give us a call. Don’t be a schmuek, be a schmuek.
IN THE FUTURE:
The human life span will be extended to 200 years, but the last 150 will be spent in unremitting pain and sadness.
No one will take drugs, but people will still buy them and conceal them from the police.
Children will be required to attend school only when something comes up in conversation they do not understand.
All people will speak the same language, but no one
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