What's Normal Anyway? Celebrities' Own Stories of Mental Illness by Anna Gekoski Page B
Authors: Anna Gekoski
Ads: Link
was down in the West Country.
Anyway, what happened very, very quickly, I realise now, was that I just became so anxious about everything. I was a walking jelly. Some anxiety is copeable with, itâs containable â you know, slightly raised heartbeat, breathing, slight nausea, slight over-reaction to loud noises â but in my thirties it wasnât like that, it was that times a million. I think that panic attacks vary from person to person a little bit, but basically mine always started with an increased heartbeat â the heart would race, I would have palpitations â and I would have an uneven heartbeat which, of course, is a very odd feeling. Then a breath-lessness, which leads to a lot of upper breath sort of panting as it were. Then eventually, because you havenât got enough oxygen, because youâre breathing wrongly, your fingers start to tingle. I used to breathe into a paper bag, an old trick that works because it rebalances your oxygen levels, so it gets rid of the tingling and the breathlessness. Did I think I was going to die? When the panic attacks were bad yes, because there was this danger that you would pass out, which is frightening.
They would come on suddenly. I can remember, my husband and I were planning a holiday and we were on Regent Street, going to the travel agent to book it. And suddenly I had this â the palpitations, the breathlessness â and it was so bad that he got a taxi and we went straight up to our hospital, which was the Royal Free, and they did all the tests and, of course, they could find nothing wrong. But because the attacks were very frightening the natural reaction was: âIâm not going to put myself in this situation where it happens again.â And thatâs why your horizons get narrower and narrower. If you say: âOkay, I canât walk down Regent Street again planning a holiday, because that might happen againâ, you donât do that. But then, letâs say, you go to the cinema and it happens again in the cinema, so then you think: âWell if Iâm going to go to the cinema and thatâs going to happen, then I canât do that.â
And thatâs what happened to me, gradually, gradually. So consequently your boundaries and possibilities â what you feel you can cope with â become fewer and fewer. It took about six months for me to get as bad as not being able to go shopping. Shopping was the most terrible ordeal. I would manage to get to the end of the road with my daughter in her buggy and then I would have to turn around and come home. Eventually, anything thatâs away from the home is a no-no. You know, you canât go out to see friends or anything, the flat was the only safe place for me. What triggered the attacks was absolutely classic: anything that was away from home, because at home I was safe.
Were my family supportive? Not really . . . I think they were bewildered and irritated, actually. They were supportive up to a point, but in the case of my first husband he really didnât know what to do, he had no idea. And of course, you know, even post-natal depression, yes it was known about, but in my case it wasnât recognised, nobody recognised it. At that time, forty years ago, I remember it being seen as a sign of weakness, like: âYou canât cope with your life, whatâs the problem with you?â There was that sort of feeling abroad, there was still very much a sort of âpull yourself togetherâ attitude. But you canât just pull yourself together, you actually canât, and itâs not your fault. Itâs just ill luck really. But now, forty years later, we know so much more, we talk about things so much more. Now, for instance, if my daughter started to exhibit any of those symptoms I would, of course, immediately â because the knowledge is out there â say: âCome on sweetheart, weâre going to see the doctor, because I
Anyway, what happened very, very quickly, I realise now, was that I just became so anxious about everything. I was a walking jelly. Some anxiety is copeable with, itâs containable â you know, slightly raised heartbeat, breathing, slight nausea, slight over-reaction to loud noises â but in my thirties it wasnât like that, it was that times a million. I think that panic attacks vary from person to person a little bit, but basically mine always started with an increased heartbeat â the heart would race, I would have palpitations â and I would have an uneven heartbeat which, of course, is a very odd feeling. Then a breath-lessness, which leads to a lot of upper breath sort of panting as it were. Then eventually, because you havenât got enough oxygen, because youâre breathing wrongly, your fingers start to tingle. I used to breathe into a paper bag, an old trick that works because it rebalances your oxygen levels, so it gets rid of the tingling and the breathlessness. Did I think I was going to die? When the panic attacks were bad yes, because there was this danger that you would pass out, which is frightening.
They would come on suddenly. I can remember, my husband and I were planning a holiday and we were on Regent Street, going to the travel agent to book it. And suddenly I had this â the palpitations, the breathlessness â and it was so bad that he got a taxi and we went straight up to our hospital, which was the Royal Free, and they did all the tests and, of course, they could find nothing wrong. But because the attacks were very frightening the natural reaction was: âIâm not going to put myself in this situation where it happens again.â And thatâs why your horizons get narrower and narrower. If you say: âOkay, I canât walk down Regent Street again planning a holiday, because that might happen againâ, you donât do that. But then, letâs say, you go to the cinema and it happens again in the cinema, so then you think: âWell if Iâm going to go to the cinema and thatâs going to happen, then I canât do that.â
And thatâs what happened to me, gradually, gradually. So consequently your boundaries and possibilities â what you feel you can cope with â become fewer and fewer. It took about six months for me to get as bad as not being able to go shopping. Shopping was the most terrible ordeal. I would manage to get to the end of the road with my daughter in her buggy and then I would have to turn around and come home. Eventually, anything thatâs away from the home is a no-no. You know, you canât go out to see friends or anything, the flat was the only safe place for me. What triggered the attacks was absolutely classic: anything that was away from home, because at home I was safe.
Were my family supportive? Not really . . . I think they were bewildered and irritated, actually. They were supportive up to a point, but in the case of my first husband he really didnât know what to do, he had no idea. And of course, you know, even post-natal depression, yes it was known about, but in my case it wasnât recognised, nobody recognised it. At that time, forty years ago, I remember it being seen as a sign of weakness, like: âYou canât cope with your life, whatâs the problem with you?â There was that sort of feeling abroad, there was still very much a sort of âpull yourself togetherâ attitude. But you canât just pull yourself together, you actually canât, and itâs not your fault. Itâs just ill luck really. But now, forty years later, we know so much more, we talk about things so much more. Now, for instance, if my daughter started to exhibit any of those symptoms I would, of course, immediately â because the knowledge is out there â say: âCome on sweetheart, weâre going to see the doctor, because I
Similar Books
