right after he came he shut off. Just—shut off, and disappeared into the bathroom when the client was distracted.” Yasha stares expectantly at him, so Jacen clarifies, “Blowjob.”
“And then what?”
Jacen bows his head, eyes fixed on his lap and the container of coffee nestled there between his legs. “I don’t know.”
“Jacen, you know that we can’t help you if you don’t talk to us,” Yasha warns. “Clearly something happened. You wouldn’t be this disturbed by a blowjob.”
“He’s in love,” Valery says softly.
“No, I’m not,” Jacen argues a little too forcefully. “I didn’t mean it, okay? I just said it. I’m allowed to say things without them always meaning something. It was a figure of speech. It—”
“And you said he wasn’t real,” she continues.
Jacen stops, his expression blank, if subtly pained. “He’s always different. He’s always being something else. He’s a liar. He’s a professional liar, so how do I know? Hmm? How do I know it’s not all bullshit? And why should I bother putting myself through that?”
Knowing from experience to be concerned about the hopeless tone in Jacen’s voice, Yasha raises their joined hands to his lips, kissing the back of Jacen’s. “I’m glad you recognize that much. It’s good. It means you’re learning. Tell us what happened,” he urges.
His expression twisting as he tries to mask his terror with the ever-so-slightly more appealing options of anger and shame, Jacen bites viciously at his lower lip and closes his eyes. After a long moment, he shakes his head.
“He’s out there. Right now. He was in
my bed
last night and even after what we did, he snuck out of it without even waking me, like he does every time he’s
finished
his
job
, and now he’s....” Jacen flaps a hand at the window.
“Working?” Yasha supplies.
Jacen’s eyes squeeze shut. He winces, imagining it—a stranger touching Liam like only someone that loves him should, a stranger hurting him, a stranger stealing away another piece of Liam’s soul.
“You can’t be judgmental about this,” Yasha says.
The words are truer than Jacen wants them to be. Yasha is right; Jacen can’t be a hypocrite.
“What do you want here?” Yasha prods, “Think about it. What do you really want? What’s the goal? Do you want to fuck him outside of work and have Liam be okay with that? Do you want him to tell you if he has any romantic feelings for you? Do you want to find a way to still be friends with him despite fucking him for money and leave it at that? You have to decide. Because if you get all sentimental and needy, it’s only going to make Liam pull farther away from you.”
Haltingly, Jacen argues, “But it
was
sentimental. It felt—”
“Was it?” Yasha asks doubtfully, “Was it really? Or did it only seem that way?”
Only more lost, Jacen turns to Valery. “What do you think I should do?”
“Give him time. Let him be the one to come to you. Have him be the one to decide what comes next. If it was what you think it was, Liam will show you that. If it wasn’t? Well....”
“Yeah,” Jacen sighs morosely. “God, I hate this.”
Jacen doesn’t cross paths with Liam at all that day, so Jacen sends him a text letting him know that in the morning Jacen has an appointment with Patrick, and that Della is sending him over with security, just in case. Instantly, Liam tries to call Jacen back, but he doesn’t pick up. In Jacen’s mind, there is no point in arguing about this with Liam over the phone. It’d only cause more heartache. Jacen spends the early evening at their local health clinic, getting a thorough check up, partially because it’s part of his routine (and contract) to do so regularly, but also because Della thought it might be a good idea to document the fact that Jacen was perfectly healthy before going to see Patrick, should anything happen during the visit. The pessimism in that line of thinking makes Jacen slightly ill
“And then what?”
Jacen bows his head, eyes fixed on his lap and the container of coffee nestled there between his legs. “I don’t know.”
“Jacen, you know that we can’t help you if you don’t talk to us,” Yasha warns. “Clearly something happened. You wouldn’t be this disturbed by a blowjob.”
“He’s in love,” Valery says softly.
“No, I’m not,” Jacen argues a little too forcefully. “I didn’t mean it, okay? I just said it. I’m allowed to say things without them always meaning something. It was a figure of speech. It—”
“And you said he wasn’t real,” she continues.
Jacen stops, his expression blank, if subtly pained. “He’s always different. He’s always being something else. He’s a liar. He’s a professional liar, so how do I know? Hmm? How do I know it’s not all bullshit? And why should I bother putting myself through that?”
Knowing from experience to be concerned about the hopeless tone in Jacen’s voice, Yasha raises their joined hands to his lips, kissing the back of Jacen’s. “I’m glad you recognize that much. It’s good. It means you’re learning. Tell us what happened,” he urges.
His expression twisting as he tries to mask his terror with the ever-so-slightly more appealing options of anger and shame, Jacen bites viciously at his lower lip and closes his eyes. After a long moment, he shakes his head.
“He’s out there. Right now. He was in
my bed
last night and even after what we did, he snuck out of it without even waking me, like he does every time he’s
finished
his
job
, and now he’s....” Jacen flaps a hand at the window.
“Working?” Yasha supplies.
Jacen’s eyes squeeze shut. He winces, imagining it—a stranger touching Liam like only someone that loves him should, a stranger hurting him, a stranger stealing away another piece of Liam’s soul.
“You can’t be judgmental about this,” Yasha says.
The words are truer than Jacen wants them to be. Yasha is right; Jacen can’t be a hypocrite.
“What do you want here?” Yasha prods, “Think about it. What do you really want? What’s the goal? Do you want to fuck him outside of work and have Liam be okay with that? Do you want him to tell you if he has any romantic feelings for you? Do you want to find a way to still be friends with him despite fucking him for money and leave it at that? You have to decide. Because if you get all sentimental and needy, it’s only going to make Liam pull farther away from you.”
Haltingly, Jacen argues, “But it
was
sentimental. It felt—”
“Was it?” Yasha asks doubtfully, “Was it really? Or did it only seem that way?”
Only more lost, Jacen turns to Valery. “What do you think I should do?”
“Give him time. Let him be the one to come to you. Have him be the one to decide what comes next. If it was what you think it was, Liam will show you that. If it wasn’t? Well....”
“Yeah,” Jacen sighs morosely. “God, I hate this.”
Jacen doesn’t cross paths with Liam at all that day, so Jacen sends him a text letting him know that in the morning Jacen has an appointment with Patrick, and that Della is sending him over with security, just in case. Instantly, Liam tries to call Jacen back, but he doesn’t pick up. In Jacen’s mind, there is no point in arguing about this with Liam over the phone. It’d only cause more heartache. Jacen spends the early evening at their local health clinic, getting a thorough check up, partially because it’s part of his routine (and contract) to do so regularly, but also because Della thought it might be a good idea to document the fact that Jacen was perfectly healthy before going to see Patrick, should anything happen during the visit. The pessimism in that line of thinking makes Jacen slightly ill
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