agriculture and donât eat vegetables, only meat and gravy and desserts, and they drink bad sweet wine; their clothes are ill-fitting and covered with lint; they smell bad and their hair is limp and dull, and theyâre ugly as a mud fence: short, flat-faced, thick-lipped, illiterate, grunty people with heavy brows, hairy backs, and no necks. And their relationship with the press is very, very poor. Everyone knew that a long time ago. On the other hand, collie haunches can be very tasty if you braise them with plenty of garlic over a trash fire, and some reporters who tried collie wrote long Sunday pieces about Hun lifestyles that concluded they were barbaric, heck yes, but thrilling and possessed of a drop-dead visceral authenticity.
The President decided not to interfere with the takeover attempts in the savings-and-loan industry and to pay the hundred and sixty-six billion dollars, not as a ransom of any type but as ordinary government support, plain and simple, absolutely nothing irregular about it, and the Huns and the Vandals rode away, carrying their treasure with them, and the Goths sailed away up Lake Michigan. Gothic boats are hard to handle, though, being built of stone with great high arches that make them tippy, and they all sank in Lake Michigan in a light breeze, carrying half the loot to the bottom, but not before the Presidentâs chopper landed in Grant Park. A serious-faced George Bush stood at the waterâs edge, hair blowing from the backwash of the rotor, and announced that the barbarians had left. He said that the savings-and-loan industry was sounder than at any time in its history. He announced that he was deeply moved by the heroism of the people of Chicago and reiterated his opposition to barbarianism of any kind whatsoever.
2
THE LAKE
LETTERS FROM JACK
J ACKâS AUTO REPAIR WAS THE FIRST SPONSOR of âA Prairie Home J Companion.â Jack always thought it could become a good show, but his advice was ignored. âThe show had great guests, and all it needed was an Ed Sullivan or a Ted Mack to say âHereâs Wanda Wonderfulâ and get out of the way, but instead they hired a humorist (thatâs a man who does comedy in slow motion) who stood there and talked, while the talent sat backstage and played cribbage and read the want ads,â he wrote. âBut thatâs all water under the bridge now that you retired. Congratulations on the job you did all those years. You certainly earned the chance to quit. â That letter and the following were written on old Jackâs Auto Repair letterheads, the ones with the slogan âFriendly, Reliable, Cleanâ and the old JUniper 2014 number.
April 1980
Dear Sir:
I read with interest that your radio show will be beamed by satellite to a number of radio stations around the U.S. Iâve advertised on the show for six years, and would have done better writing my phone number on barroom walls, so hope we wonât be paying extra to be ignored in distant states, no matter how big a thrill this is for you. People wonât drive a thousand miles for an oil change and you know it. And your public-radio audience is a pain in the wazoo. Before they buy a dollarâs worth of gas, they have to know your feelings about Central America and make sure that the kid who mans the pumps is earning minimum wage. So donât tell me what a great opportunity this is.
December 1980
Dear Sirs:
Thanks for the May listenership data. The copy you sent is faint, as if typed with lemon juice, but not so faint as the impact of your show, Iâm afraid. This creation has burst upon the scene like coffee spilled on the carpet. People look away out of politeness. My opinion is that you need an emcee. Do you remember Danny Olsen who you went to high school with? Everyone said he was fun to be with, but I guess he didnât know the Right People, because heâd have won that host job hands down if they held auditions,
The President decided not to interfere with the takeover attempts in the savings-and-loan industry and to pay the hundred and sixty-six billion dollars, not as a ransom of any type but as ordinary government support, plain and simple, absolutely nothing irregular about it, and the Huns and the Vandals rode away, carrying their treasure with them, and the Goths sailed away up Lake Michigan. Gothic boats are hard to handle, though, being built of stone with great high arches that make them tippy, and they all sank in Lake Michigan in a light breeze, carrying half the loot to the bottom, but not before the Presidentâs chopper landed in Grant Park. A serious-faced George Bush stood at the waterâs edge, hair blowing from the backwash of the rotor, and announced that the barbarians had left. He said that the savings-and-loan industry was sounder than at any time in its history. He announced that he was deeply moved by the heroism of the people of Chicago and reiterated his opposition to barbarianism of any kind whatsoever.
2
THE LAKE
LETTERS FROM JACK
J ACKâS AUTO REPAIR WAS THE FIRST SPONSOR of âA Prairie Home J Companion.â Jack always thought it could become a good show, but his advice was ignored. âThe show had great guests, and all it needed was an Ed Sullivan or a Ted Mack to say âHereâs Wanda Wonderfulâ and get out of the way, but instead they hired a humorist (thatâs a man who does comedy in slow motion) who stood there and talked, while the talent sat backstage and played cribbage and read the want ads,â he wrote. âBut thatâs all water under the bridge now that you retired. Congratulations on the job you did all those years. You certainly earned the chance to quit. â That letter and the following were written on old Jackâs Auto Repair letterheads, the ones with the slogan âFriendly, Reliable, Cleanâ and the old JUniper 2014 number.
April 1980
Dear Sir:
I read with interest that your radio show will be beamed by satellite to a number of radio stations around the U.S. Iâve advertised on the show for six years, and would have done better writing my phone number on barroom walls, so hope we wonât be paying extra to be ignored in distant states, no matter how big a thrill this is for you. People wonât drive a thousand miles for an oil change and you know it. And your public-radio audience is a pain in the wazoo. Before they buy a dollarâs worth of gas, they have to know your feelings about Central America and make sure that the kid who mans the pumps is earning minimum wage. So donât tell me what a great opportunity this is.
December 1980
Dear Sirs:
Thanks for the May listenership data. The copy you sent is faint, as if typed with lemon juice, but not so faint as the impact of your show, Iâm afraid. This creation has burst upon the scene like coffee spilled on the carpet. People look away out of politeness. My opinion is that you need an emcee. Do you remember Danny Olsen who you went to high school with? Everyone said he was fun to be with, but I guess he didnât know the Right People, because heâd have won that host job hands down if they held auditions,
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