hopeless at math, and he volunteered as a tutor. We met twice a week for tutoring sessions after school.” The memory of a younger Robbie, more boy than man, floods me. “We goofed around and told jokes and got a little math done.”
Sage sits along a flat section of rock, worn smooth by weather. I settle next to him but leave a gap between us.
“I didn’t see him at all the first summer, and I missed him.” Missed him from the perspective of a young teen, who had no idea what truly missing someone really meant. “When he saw me, the first day of my sophomore year, he asked me out. He said his summer was lonely without me.”
Sage waits, watches, and does not try to touch me.
“When we figured out we really liked one another, he told me about his kidney disease.” I glance at Sage, who clenches his fists so tightly he must be carving nail marks into his palms. “That long ago, it didn’t seem like a big deal. Robbie needed to be on some medicines, and he was really careful about his diet, but he seemed healthy enough.” My words pour out. Once you turn the faucet on, the water just wants to flow and flow and flow. “Everyone thinks they’re invincible at that age, right?”
“Invincible, yeah, I guess.” Sage stares out at the ocean.
“But the following year, Robbie’s senior year, his symptoms grew worse. His kidneys slowly shut down, and he was able to do less and less. Finally, he went into renal failure.”
“He passed that long ago?” Sage asks in a quiet voice.
“He spent the next eighteen months on the transplant list. During my senior year, I spent as much time at the hospital as I did at school. Robbie was on dialysis three days per week, four hours per day.”
“You went with him?” Sage sounds surprised.
“Of course. I spent every possible minute with him.”
“No spring break, no extracurriculars, no wonder.” Sage’s eyes widen. “You sacrificed your high school years for him, didn’t you?”
“Of course, he was my… everything .” I run my hand along the warm stone. “I wanted to switch schools, attend the local community college, but my father insisted I attend the university I’d been accepted into.”
“You would’ve given up—?”
“I should’ve been there for his last year.” Tears begin to fall once more, although I have no idea where my body summoned up more liquid. “I should have been there.”
“Shh.” Sage embraces me, and I yearn so badly for comfort, I accept his warm, strong hug. “You couldn’t have known.”
“He was on the transplant list.” I sniffle. “When they found a match, we all had so much hope.”
“What happened?” Sage holds me even tighter.
“After a few months, his body rejected the kidneys then shut down, one part at a time. Within the week, he…”
The tears return. Tears of guilt for not being there that first year of college, tears of grief for remembering those beautiful, awful times, and tears of relief. I’m finally able to talk about Robbie.
Maybe, if I’m ready to talk about our relationship, I’m also ready to say my goodbyes.
I grab my backpack, sling it back over my left shoulder, and step onto the trail. Not heading forward, but backward. Back to Waverly Cemetery, back to the tombstones that haunt me, back to what I’ve spent the past six months running from.
“Where are you going?” Sage calls as I force myself to take one cautious footstep after another.
“Wait here. I need to be alone for a while.” Each step takes me closer to what I dread, what I’ve hidden from, what I need to do.
Finally, the metal gates appear. I stare at the endless rows of graves. A single flower rests in a weighted vase upon a nearby stone. Its petals flutter in the salty breeze.
I look for the two interlocking hearts, the familiar name etched in stone. Earlier, my flight through the cemetery had been so frantic that retracing my steps is hard. But after forty-five minutes of searching—looking at each name,
Sage sits along a flat section of rock, worn smooth by weather. I settle next to him but leave a gap between us.
“I didn’t see him at all the first summer, and I missed him.” Missed him from the perspective of a young teen, who had no idea what truly missing someone really meant. “When he saw me, the first day of my sophomore year, he asked me out. He said his summer was lonely without me.”
Sage waits, watches, and does not try to touch me.
“When we figured out we really liked one another, he told me about his kidney disease.” I glance at Sage, who clenches his fists so tightly he must be carving nail marks into his palms. “That long ago, it didn’t seem like a big deal. Robbie needed to be on some medicines, and he was really careful about his diet, but he seemed healthy enough.” My words pour out. Once you turn the faucet on, the water just wants to flow and flow and flow. “Everyone thinks they’re invincible at that age, right?”
“Invincible, yeah, I guess.” Sage stares out at the ocean.
“But the following year, Robbie’s senior year, his symptoms grew worse. His kidneys slowly shut down, and he was able to do less and less. Finally, he went into renal failure.”
“He passed that long ago?” Sage asks in a quiet voice.
“He spent the next eighteen months on the transplant list. During my senior year, I spent as much time at the hospital as I did at school. Robbie was on dialysis three days per week, four hours per day.”
“You went with him?” Sage sounds surprised.
“Of course. I spent every possible minute with him.”
“No spring break, no extracurriculars, no wonder.” Sage’s eyes widen. “You sacrificed your high school years for him, didn’t you?”
“Of course, he was my… everything .” I run my hand along the warm stone. “I wanted to switch schools, attend the local community college, but my father insisted I attend the university I’d been accepted into.”
“You would’ve given up—?”
“I should’ve been there for his last year.” Tears begin to fall once more, although I have no idea where my body summoned up more liquid. “I should have been there.”
“Shh.” Sage embraces me, and I yearn so badly for comfort, I accept his warm, strong hug. “You couldn’t have known.”
“He was on the transplant list.” I sniffle. “When they found a match, we all had so much hope.”
“What happened?” Sage holds me even tighter.
“After a few months, his body rejected the kidneys then shut down, one part at a time. Within the week, he…”
The tears return. Tears of guilt for not being there that first year of college, tears of grief for remembering those beautiful, awful times, and tears of relief. I’m finally able to talk about Robbie.
Maybe, if I’m ready to talk about our relationship, I’m also ready to say my goodbyes.
I grab my backpack, sling it back over my left shoulder, and step onto the trail. Not heading forward, but backward. Back to Waverly Cemetery, back to the tombstones that haunt me, back to what I’ve spent the past six months running from.
“Where are you going?” Sage calls as I force myself to take one cautious footstep after another.
“Wait here. I need to be alone for a while.” Each step takes me closer to what I dread, what I’ve hidden from, what I need to do.
Finally, the metal gates appear. I stare at the endless rows of graves. A single flower rests in a weighted vase upon a nearby stone. Its petals flutter in the salty breeze.
I look for the two interlocking hearts, the familiar name etched in stone. Earlier, my flight through the cemetery had been so frantic that retracing my steps is hard. But after forty-five minutes of searching—looking at each name,
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