was what I’d been hiding from for months. When my doctor told me I needed glasses, I’d ignored my own instincts and focused on that solution with utter relief.
Still, the headaches kept coming and the exhaustion worsened as the anxiety I kept hidden from everyone grew.
I’d had a seizure in my kitchen. I was terrified but also strangely relieved as I sat in the hospital and waited for an MRI. I was sick to my stomach with fear, but relieved that I was going to know once and for all what the hell was wrong with me.
A tumor; a brain tumor.
I tried to catch my breath. We’d waited ten days for the results. It was a brain tumor and they wouldn’t tell me anything else. I had twenty-four hours of waiting to find out if I had brain cancer or not.
I wanted to handle it graciously, not just for me but for Braden and Mum and Clark and Hannah and Declan. I wanted to handle it graciously for Joss, knowing it would be difficult for her.
A tear slid down my cheek as I thought about Joss’s reaction. I’d watched the panic in her face and then she just shut down. She left me when I needed her the most.
Braden was furious and panicking about me and about her and trying not to. His anxiety was making me feel worse, so I told him to go and speak to Mum and Clark. Understanding I needed just a little time to myself, he gave me it.
I couldn’t think of the worst. I wouldn’t be like Joss. I mean, I wanted to be prepared, but I wasn’t a pessimist. And surely, I was too young. You never think something like this will happen to you. It feels like a dream; it’s so surreal, like you’re watching someone else’s life play out in a movie.
My phone rang and I turned my head on my pillow to eye it on my bedside table.
It was Adam.
I breathed through the tightness in my chest and reached for the phone. Since I landed in the hospital ten days prior, Adam had reneged on his unspoken promise to stay out of my life. He called me every day and came by to see me as much as he felt I’d let him get away with it. Too exhausted to fight him, I
did
let him get away with it.
“Hullo,” I answered and even I could tell I didn’t sound like myself.
There was a crackle down the line as he let out a heavy sigh. “Braden just called.”
I tensed, hearing the roughness in Adam’s voice, the brokenness in his tone. “Yeah.”
“God, Ellie,” he groaned as if in agony. “Sweetheart—”
“Don’t.” I shook my head and bit my lip to try and stem my emotions. As soon as I felt I could speak without crying, I continued, “We don’t know anything yet.”
“I know I need to come to you. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“No, don’t,” my voice was sharp as I sat up, my heart pounding at the thought of having him here to hold me through this. “I don’t want you to.”
“Fuck, Els.”
I winced at the hurt in his voice. “Please, Adam.”
“I need to. I need to be with you. I love you, Ellie. I’m fucking in love you.”
He was crying.
I’d never heard or seen him cry before. At his tears and outright confession, I started to cry harder and collapsed back on my pillow, squeezing the phone tight to my ear. Finally I whispered, “Just stay on the line with me, okay.”
Adam cleared his throat, his voice breaking as he replied, “Anything, baby.”
I sighed and snuggled deeper against my phone. “We don’t know anything,” I repeated.
“It could be nothing,” he added.
“Whatever it is, I’m going to fight it.”
“I’ll fight it with you.”
“Shh,” I hushed him softly. “No promises. Not like this.”
“I’m done wasting time, Els.”
I smiled sadly, too weary to go there. “Just waste a little more time for me. Please.”
He was a silent a while and then he replied quietly, “Only a little, baby. Only a little.”
***
Adam stayed on the phone with me for two hours and we hardly spoke at all. I just listened to him breathe as he listened to me breathe. We finally hung up when Braden
Still, the headaches kept coming and the exhaustion worsened as the anxiety I kept hidden from everyone grew.
I’d had a seizure in my kitchen. I was terrified but also strangely relieved as I sat in the hospital and waited for an MRI. I was sick to my stomach with fear, but relieved that I was going to know once and for all what the hell was wrong with me.
A tumor; a brain tumor.
I tried to catch my breath. We’d waited ten days for the results. It was a brain tumor and they wouldn’t tell me anything else. I had twenty-four hours of waiting to find out if I had brain cancer or not.
I wanted to handle it graciously, not just for me but for Braden and Mum and Clark and Hannah and Declan. I wanted to handle it graciously for Joss, knowing it would be difficult for her.
A tear slid down my cheek as I thought about Joss’s reaction. I’d watched the panic in her face and then she just shut down. She left me when I needed her the most.
Braden was furious and panicking about me and about her and trying not to. His anxiety was making me feel worse, so I told him to go and speak to Mum and Clark. Understanding I needed just a little time to myself, he gave me it.
I couldn’t think of the worst. I wouldn’t be like Joss. I mean, I wanted to be prepared, but I wasn’t a pessimist. And surely, I was too young. You never think something like this will happen to you. It feels like a dream; it’s so surreal, like you’re watching someone else’s life play out in a movie.
My phone rang and I turned my head on my pillow to eye it on my bedside table.
It was Adam.
I breathed through the tightness in my chest and reached for the phone. Since I landed in the hospital ten days prior, Adam had reneged on his unspoken promise to stay out of my life. He called me every day and came by to see me as much as he felt I’d let him get away with it. Too exhausted to fight him, I
did
let him get away with it.
“Hullo,” I answered and even I could tell I didn’t sound like myself.
There was a crackle down the line as he let out a heavy sigh. “Braden just called.”
I tensed, hearing the roughness in Adam’s voice, the brokenness in his tone. “Yeah.”
“God, Ellie,” he groaned as if in agony. “Sweetheart—”
“Don’t.” I shook my head and bit my lip to try and stem my emotions. As soon as I felt I could speak without crying, I continued, “We don’t know anything yet.”
“I know I need to come to you. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“No, don’t,” my voice was sharp as I sat up, my heart pounding at the thought of having him here to hold me through this. “I don’t want you to.”
“Fuck, Els.”
I winced at the hurt in his voice. “Please, Adam.”
“I need to. I need to be with you. I love you, Ellie. I’m fucking in love you.”
He was crying.
I’d never heard or seen him cry before. At his tears and outright confession, I started to cry harder and collapsed back on my pillow, squeezing the phone tight to my ear. Finally I whispered, “Just stay on the line with me, okay.”
Adam cleared his throat, his voice breaking as he replied, “Anything, baby.”
I sighed and snuggled deeper against my phone. “We don’t know anything,” I repeated.
“It could be nothing,” he added.
“Whatever it is, I’m going to fight it.”
“I’ll fight it with you.”
“Shh,” I hushed him softly. “No promises. Not like this.”
“I’m done wasting time, Els.”
I smiled sadly, too weary to go there. “Just waste a little more time for me. Please.”
He was a silent a while and then he replied quietly, “Only a little, baby. Only a little.”
***
Adam stayed on the phone with me for two hours and we hardly spoke at all. I just listened to him breathe as he listened to me breathe. We finally hung up when Braden
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