boost my mood, I had a plan B that certainly would.
After replacing the vacuum, I walked to the pantry. I grabbed a few snacks, a can of soda, and sat at the dining room table. The longer I sat there, the more my thoughts raced. I suppressed the nagging voice in my head by focusing on the sound of chips crunching in my mouth.
The helplessness that had been sitting in the back of my mind since arriving was back to the surface. Time to head back home, back to life- a life I thought I was done with. What was I going to do now? How was I going to get over the betrayal?
I wasn’t the best at approaching men; the fact that I met Reggie was nothing short of a miracle. Was I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Would I be able to trust again?
I looked down at the bag of chips I’d opened- nothing but crumbs. I crumbled up the bag and tossed it across the table. I didn’t have a clock nearby, but I knew the bag got eaten in mere minutes.
I scowled as I reached for the snack cakes near me. I could control my emotions, my thoughts, and my mouth, but the one thing I couldn’t control was my eating. And that’s why I was alone.
My eyes narrowed as I inspected my thickness. Instead of trying to rectify my behavior, I stuck a cake in my mouth.
Growing up, there were very few consistencies in my life. Very few good things. But through everything I’d been through in my childhood and with Reggie, I’d had a little help from some friends along the way: Little Debbie, Sara Lee, and Duncan Hines, to name a few. I needed to give them up, but what was the point of giving up what was always there for me?
I amassed a pile of wrappers and bags on the table, and the sight of my consumed food disgusted me. Everything I enjoyed was bad for me: Derek, snack cakes, even my scalding hot showers tore up my skin. It was the curse of my life- nothing was allowed to go right for me.
It had always been that way, and always would be. Derek spoke about my controlling ways, but that just proved how little he knew of my situation. I wasn’t trying to control everything, to nitpick my surroundings. I was just doing any little thing I could think of to keep the house of cards I called my life from collapsing.
The older I got, the more I learned what little impact our actions have on our lives. Fate had everything figured out already, and every time I tried to do something positive in my life, she laughed at my naivety. Maybe it was time for the beast to take over. My life was screwed either way, why not have a little fun?
I shook the thoughts away. I couldn’t think like that. I’d decided I wanted to live, and I needed to take care of my life. No, I needed to get back to the old me.
I wanted all of it out of me- the food, the guilt about my actions causing Reggie to leave, the guilt about sleeping with (and enjoying) a stranger, the helplessness. I rushed to the bathroom, blinking back tears.
I stuck my finger down my throat until my esophagus burned from rawness, until nothing would come up- no more food, no more bile, not even a dry heave of air.
I collapsed on the floor next to the toilet, catching my breath. My ears rang as I listened to my screaming thoughts. I bit down until my jaw ached, fighting the tremors that were trying to overtake me.
“No. No.”
I shook my head until my vision blurred. I told myself the day before that I was crying for Reggie for the last time. And I may have been crazy, slightly off my rocker, but I wasn’t a liar.
There was so much in my life I couldn’t control, but I could control my integrity. When I burned my wedding dress, I told myself that was it. No more Reggie.
I stood and dusted off my pants and straightened the gold scarf around my neck. I rinsed the tang of bile out of my mouth and slicked back the few stray hairs that escaped my bun, tucking away the loose strands until it was as sleek as ever.
I inspected myself in the mirror. Derek pulled me off that lake- quite easily. Since then,
After replacing the vacuum, I walked to the pantry. I grabbed a few snacks, a can of soda, and sat at the dining room table. The longer I sat there, the more my thoughts raced. I suppressed the nagging voice in my head by focusing on the sound of chips crunching in my mouth.
The helplessness that had been sitting in the back of my mind since arriving was back to the surface. Time to head back home, back to life- a life I thought I was done with. What was I going to do now? How was I going to get over the betrayal?
I wasn’t the best at approaching men; the fact that I met Reggie was nothing short of a miracle. Was I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Would I be able to trust again?
I looked down at the bag of chips I’d opened- nothing but crumbs. I crumbled up the bag and tossed it across the table. I didn’t have a clock nearby, but I knew the bag got eaten in mere minutes.
I scowled as I reached for the snack cakes near me. I could control my emotions, my thoughts, and my mouth, but the one thing I couldn’t control was my eating. And that’s why I was alone.
My eyes narrowed as I inspected my thickness. Instead of trying to rectify my behavior, I stuck a cake in my mouth.
Growing up, there were very few consistencies in my life. Very few good things. But through everything I’d been through in my childhood and with Reggie, I’d had a little help from some friends along the way: Little Debbie, Sara Lee, and Duncan Hines, to name a few. I needed to give them up, but what was the point of giving up what was always there for me?
I amassed a pile of wrappers and bags on the table, and the sight of my consumed food disgusted me. Everything I enjoyed was bad for me: Derek, snack cakes, even my scalding hot showers tore up my skin. It was the curse of my life- nothing was allowed to go right for me.
It had always been that way, and always would be. Derek spoke about my controlling ways, but that just proved how little he knew of my situation. I wasn’t trying to control everything, to nitpick my surroundings. I was just doing any little thing I could think of to keep the house of cards I called my life from collapsing.
The older I got, the more I learned what little impact our actions have on our lives. Fate had everything figured out already, and every time I tried to do something positive in my life, she laughed at my naivety. Maybe it was time for the beast to take over. My life was screwed either way, why not have a little fun?
I shook the thoughts away. I couldn’t think like that. I’d decided I wanted to live, and I needed to take care of my life. No, I needed to get back to the old me.
I wanted all of it out of me- the food, the guilt about my actions causing Reggie to leave, the guilt about sleeping with (and enjoying) a stranger, the helplessness. I rushed to the bathroom, blinking back tears.
I stuck my finger down my throat until my esophagus burned from rawness, until nothing would come up- no more food, no more bile, not even a dry heave of air.
I collapsed on the floor next to the toilet, catching my breath. My ears rang as I listened to my screaming thoughts. I bit down until my jaw ached, fighting the tremors that were trying to overtake me.
“No. No.”
I shook my head until my vision blurred. I told myself the day before that I was crying for Reggie for the last time. And I may have been crazy, slightly off my rocker, but I wasn’t a liar.
There was so much in my life I couldn’t control, but I could control my integrity. When I burned my wedding dress, I told myself that was it. No more Reggie.
I stood and dusted off my pants and straightened the gold scarf around my neck. I rinsed the tang of bile out of my mouth and slicked back the few stray hairs that escaped my bun, tucking away the loose strands until it was as sleek as ever.
I inspected myself in the mirror. Derek pulled me off that lake- quite easily. Since then,
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