Uncle John’s True Crime by Bathroom Readers’ Institute Page A

form of censorship and violates his First Amendment rights. “Let’s face it,” he says, “a television is sort of like your umbilical cord to life.”
    THE DEFENDANT: Albert Brown, a repeat drug offender in San Francisco, California
    THE CRIME: Selling drugs to an undercover cop
    A NOVEL APPROACH: Rather than decide the sentence himself, Judge James Warren of San Francisco handed Brown one of his judicial robes and told him to put it on. “This is your life,” he told Brown. “You are your own judge. Sentence yourself.”
    THE PUNISHMENT: Brown, in tears, gave himself six months in jail. Then, according to news reports, he tacked on a “string of self-imposed conditions such as cleaning himself up for his kids, and steering clear of the neighborhood where he got busted.”
    “The Probation Department recommended six months and a good lecturing,” Judge Warren told reporters. “But I figured, I’m not that goodat lecturing. He, on the other hand, was very good at lecturing himself. And maybe this time it will stick. I had the transcript typed up and sent over to him. Just in case he forgets.”
    Butch Cassidy’s first offense: Taking a pair of pants and some pie, for which he left an IOU .
    THE DEFENDANT: Alan Law, 19, of Derwent, Ohio
    THE CRIME: Disturbing the peace by driving through town with his truck windows rolled down and the stereo blasting
    THE PUNISHMENT: Municipal Court Judge John Nicholson gave Law a choice: pay a $100 fine or sit and listen to polka music for four hours. Law chose facing the music. A few days later, he reported to the police station and was locked in an interview room, where he listened to the “Blue Skirt Waltz,” “Who Stole the Kishka,” “Too Fat Polka,” and other hits by Cleveland polka artist Frankie Yankovic. Law managed to sit through it and has since abandoned his plans to buy an even louder stereo for his truck.
    THE DEFENDANT: A youth in the Wake County, North Carolina, Juvenile Court (names of juvenile offenders are sealed)
    THE CRIME: Burglary and theft
    THE PUNISHMENT: Judge Don Overby sent the miscreant home to get his most-prized possession. The kid returned with a remote-controlled car, which he handed over to the court. The judge then took a hammer and smashed it to smithereens. Judge Overby has done this with other first time offenders as well. He says he got the idea after someone broke into his house and stole his CD player, his VCR, and $300 in cash. “I remember wishing these folks could feel the same sense of loss as I did,” he says.
    ***
CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN
    In January 2004, three men in Spokane, Washington, decided to have a little fun by running through the local Denny’s at dawn, wearing just their shoes and hats. Their only mistake: leaving the car engine running. While they were streaking through the restaurant, someone stole their car and their clothes. The three naked pranksters had to hide behind parked cars until police arrived to take them to jail.
    Most commonly requested item for death-row inmates’ “last meals”: French fries .

LAWYERS ON LAWYERS
    Believe it or not, some lawyers are actually quite clever. Here are some quotes from the world’s most famous lawyers .
    “I bring out the worst in my enemies and that’s how I get them to defeat themselves.”
    —Roy Cohn
    “The court of last resort is no longer the Supreme Court. It’s Nightline .”
    —Alan Dershowitz
    “We lawyers shake papers at each other the way primitive tribes shake spears.”
    —John Jay Osborn, Jr .
    “The ideal client is the very wealthy man in very great trouble.”
    —John Sterling
    “An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer.”
    —Evelle Younger
    “I’ve never met a litigator who didn’t think he was winning... right up until the moment the guillotine dropped.”
    —William F. Baxter
    “I’m not an ambulance chaser. I’m usually there before the