Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne Page A

attention before you start digging around in your own stomach with a Swiss Army Knife. I mean, could you honestly say you’d even know what an appendix looked like? Knowing me, I’d end up cutting out a lung instead.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Under the Knife

    Find the answers—and tote up your score— here

1. Which of these horrendous medical errors really happened?
a) Amputating the wrong leg
b) Bifurcation (which left the patient with a forked tongue)
c) Transplanting the wrong heart and lungs
2. Which of these DIY cosmetic surgeries did people really attempt?
a) A nose job with a chisel and a chicken bone
b) Double chin surgery with a bread knife and a vacuum cleaner
c) Lip augmentation with an injection of “sexual lubricant”
3. What does “auto-enucleation” mean?
a) Deliberately exposing yourself to radiation
b) Gouging out your own eyes
c) When you body rejects an anaesthetic
4. In Medieval times, who did you go to for surgery?
a) A barber
b) A blacksmith
c) A carpenter
5. Which of these famous medical cases resulted in death…
a) The man who removed his own pacemaker
b) The man who deliberately cycled into the back of a truck to fracture his jaw, so it could be reset in a “more attractive” way
c) The woman who tried to give herself liposuction by cutting her thighs and squeezing out the fat

General Practise

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Dr. Ozzy’s A-to-Z of Uncommon Complaints

    E very day, people write to me about the craziest shit you’ve ever heard in your life. A lot of the questions are so far-out, it’s impossible to sort them into any normal categories. That’s why I’ve put all the whacky stuff into this chapter and listed them alphabetically—so if you swallow a tennis ball, get a screwdriver stuck in your right ear, or start vomiting through your eyeballs, all you’ve gotta do is look under the right letter, and hope you find the answer. Personally, I wish I’d had a guide like this for myself over the years, ’cos it would have come in very handy that time when my right leg started to dance a jig all by itself (look under “J” for “Jimmy Legs”), or when I accidentally ate a bumblebee on the way to the pub (see “F” for “Flies & Other Insects’ ”). Oh, you’ll also find some “Surgery Noticeboard” announcements in between the Q&As: we print these in The Sunday Times Magazine whenever we get a ton of e-mails on one subject. As a fake newspaper doctor with fuck-all qualifications, I’m always happy to pass along other people’s dodgy advice.

A.

Animals (Effect on Mood)

    Dear Dr. Ozzy:
    My dog, Clive (a Labrador), seems awfully glum, to the point where it’s beginning to get me down. Could he be suffering from doggie depression? If so, what can I do about it?
    Amy, Lille, France
    Doggie Prozac—ask your vet about it. Personally, the only doggie depression I’ve ever experienced is the feeling I get after one of my four-legged friends takes a dump behind the sofa.

Animals (Effect on Sleep)

    Dear Dr. Ozzy:
    Every night I go to bed with my dog, Ozzy (named after you), but wake up at 4am. I really want to stay in bed longer, but no matter what I do, I can’t get back to sleep. Is this something to do with Ozzy, do you think? Please help, it’s driving me crazy.
    Sammy [No address given]
    I don’t see how one dog could be much of an issue—I go to bed with 17 dogs, plus about 20 mobile phones, and the wife. It sounds to me more like you’ve got a sleep disorder. I’ve had the same problem for years, so I got someone to come over to the house one evening, put all these electrode things on my head, hook them up to a computer, and see what was going on in my brain. He was up all night, this guy, twiddling his knobs and studying his graphs—he must be a raging insomniac himself—and when the results came back, my doc put me on a mild anti-depressant which helps me nod-off easier. It beats sleeping pills. Or whacking myself on the head with a mallet.

B.

Brain (Use Of)

    Dear Dr.