To Have and to Hold by Deborah Moggach Page B

he hasn’t told me.’
    â€˜Oh hell,’ said Viv.
    â€˜He hasn’t bothered to tell me. All he’s bothered to do is ask me for a mortgage.’
    Nobody spoke. They gazed at the empty bowl in the middle of the table. Some scrapings of cream remained in it, and a stray glacé cherry.
    Ann made a faint hiccuping sound, then Viv realized it was not that: she had started to cry.
    Viv jumped up and knelt beside her. ‘Don’t.’
    Ann raised her streaming face. ‘He doesn’t love me –’
    â€˜He didn’t mean to –’
    â€˜Oh I’ve always known that, of course, I have! It’s just . . . oh, nothing’s any good. Ken can’t even bother to swallow his pride and come here, just because he’s embarrassed, but why does that matter, for God’s sake? Why does it matter if it’s his baby, it’s only a little mechanical business, everything else seems so much bigger than that, but the trouble is he doesn’t seem big enough for it, probably none of us are. Everything seems so empty –’
    â€˜Don’t –’ started Viv.
    â€˜â€“ All these years, all these miscarriages, and my darling little girl who was hardly there but she
was,
she was there, she was mine, I held her, she was all perfect, except she never moved, and what’s the point of anything, what’s the point of lovely meals like this and kind sisters and even Ken being loving because he is really, but nothing’s any use, it doesn’t mean anything when I can’t have a child!’
    Ann stopped, hiccuping for breath. Viv and Ollie stared at her. She fumbled for a handkerchief but she couldn’t find one; Viv grabbed the napkin and wiped Ann’s face with it, her poor wet eyes, and then her nose.
    There was a silence.
    Then Viv said: ‘Listen, Ann. Whatever happens, I’ll have this baby for you.’
    Ollie spoke for the first time. ‘She will.’
    â€˜Leave Ken to me.’ Viv wiped Ann’s eyes again. Ann hardly ever wore mascara but she had worn it for this evening; hercheeks were streaked. ‘I’ll take him out and get him drunk and tell him what we’re all going to do.’
    Ann turned to face her. ‘Will you really?’
    Viv nodded.

_____
Nine
_____
    MADELEINE , AS USUAL was on the phone. Today she kept her back to the staffroom and spoke in a whisper. Viv gazed at the broad bottom in the faded jeans. She resented Madeleine for using the phone, yet she felt grateful to her for delaying things. She sat down on the sofa beside Harold, who looked up from his
Guardian
.
    â€˜Trevor wrote me a note today saying could he go to the toilet, spelt TOYLUT . I said he could go to it when he could spell it so he changed it to BOG .’
    Viv laughed. Harold pointed to the newspaper. ‘There’s a post here in Norfolk, Grade 2. Would they be fresh and innocent in the fens?’
    Viv shook her head. ‘They just keep it in the family.’
    â€˜Don’t think I can stand the hormone level here much longer. Very unsettling for a middle-aged chap.’
    â€˜Poor Harry.’ Viv stroked his head and glanced at the phone.
    â€˜Just seething with sex. What’s the name – oh yes, Tracey. The one who babysits for you. Apparently she threw up in biology this morning.’
    â€˜Did she?’ Viv thought of Mo’s conversation, at the allotments.
    â€˜Must be the excitement of seeing a nude frog. Then there’s that little incident behind the kitchens. Honestly, Viv, when I go home and tell Louise about my day the kids ask why I’m speaking in French.’
    Madeleine left the phone. Viv jumped up and rummaged in her bag. ‘Harry darling, could you lend me 10p?’
    He gave her a coin. ‘Chivalry, though terminally ill, is not yet entirely extinct.’
    â€˜You’re a pet.’
    She went to the phone and dialled. She was wearing her striped jumper and felt