To Be a Woman by Piers Anthony Page B

required. Once you are stable, I'll return to my own life.”
    He realized that this was a fine offer. He did need her help. “Thank you.”
    “But what of the femdroid? She's your legal wife.”
    “I'll take her home. I'll take care of her too. She would have wanted that.”
    “Banner, she can still do much of what she did before. She can shop, she can give you sex. All the things she did before she became aware.”
    “And I loved her before she became aware,” he agreed. “I still do. But it's not the same.”
    “How well I understand!”
    In all this dialogue, the femdroid did not react, because she had not been directly addressed. She had no awareness and no feelings. That was part of the awfulness of it. She was in every respect but one identical to the woman he loved, but that one had become critical.
    Mona glanced at the technician. “Tell your people: no publicity about the change. We'll handle it privately.”
    “Got it,” the man agreed. Femdroids Inc hardly wanted the negative publicity.
    They returned to Banner's home. Mona took care of things, giving him time. They took turns holding Bela, who was satisfied to be with either, but not with the femdroid. It was a strange triangle.
    Banner just wasn't willing to let Elasa go so readily. He had evoked her consciousness before; maybe he could do it again. Then all would be well.
    He tried. He held her and kissed her. She held him back and kissed him back. She remained good at that, of course. “I love you!” he whispered in her ear.
    “I love you,” she agreed. She was perfect, but it was all programming.
    He took her to the bed and had sex with her. “I love you,” he said as he entered her. She went into the orgasm; the macro remained. But it was automatic, not conscious. Then, when he was done but not yet out of her, he repeated it: “I love you!”
    She hesitated, and for a moment he thought he had succeeded. But then she went into another orgasm. The program governed; she lacked awareness of his conflicting emotions.
    The next night he tried it with Mona. Mona wanted Elasa to recover as much as he did, and was willing try try almost anything. They had sex in the same bed with Elasa. But it evoked no jealousy, and she did not offer to make it a threesome. She lacked the judgment and initiative of consciousness.
    They brought Bela to her, and she tried to have him nurse, but he rejected her violently. She shed no tears, feeling no emotion. She was a femdroid, nothing more.
    As he saw that he couldn't bring her back, Banner got depressed. It felt like a marriage when love had departed, and that was close enough: the femdroid could say the words and act the part, but couldn't really love him. There had been a time when he was willing to settle for that illusion, but no more. His love had been completed when she became aware, and now he could not love the machine.
    “Oh, Elasa,” he said, grieving.
    “Yes, Banner,” she said. “Now?”
    He would have laughed if he could. “Not now, thank you.”
    “Whenever you are ready,” she said without emotion.
    He tried to fight it, for the sake of what they had fought for: the emancipation of machine consciousness. But it was now a hollow shell. It did not take him long to realize that he simply did not want to exist without Elasa. It would be kindest to all concerned to make a clean break.
    He made due preparations, then told Mona. “I am going to go to a private place and cut my throat,” he said. “Neither you nor the femdroid will be implicated. When you get the news, turn the femdroid in and take Bela. It will be over.”
    “Over?” she asked. “Just like that? You're giving up?”
    “I can't live without Elasa,” he said. He gestured to the femdroid standing nearby. “This thing is not my wife.”
    “I knew you were depressed, understandably. But this is extreme.”
    “Without her I am nothing. I have no further reason to live.”
    “I offered to marry you and carry on.”
    “Yes, and