before.
Taking my silence into account, Declan continued, “I would, believe me. Besides, it was good to come out and see you straightaway. When I left all I wanted was to be with you, and there you were.”
“Well, I did it all for you, really,” I lied.
Dec rolled his eyes. “Don’t push it, babe.”
That was like waving a red flag to a bull. I kicked off my sneakers, and they flew across the lounge to land metres apart from each other. It would drive Declan crazy, who liked things in neat piles. “So, tell me everything. Did he pledge his undying love for you? Tell you to ditch the zero and get with the hero?”
Dec took a while to answer, rubbing his palms over his eyes and sighing heavily.
I leaned back heavily into the arm of the couch. “He did, didn’t he?”
“He said a lot of things. Most of which I found personally offensive.”
I waited for him to elaborate, but times like this it was difficult to get anything out of Dec. “Well?”
“He made what he thought were reasonable business offers.”
“Son of a bitch! I’m going to kill him!”
“Don’t start talking like the prime suspect to a future murder. Especially because you’d have to get in line behind me.”
I jumped off the couch and started banging around in the freezer to find the coffee. “What reasonable business offers?”
Dec joined me in the kitchen, sitting at the counter. “He already has interviews lined up. Plus they’re talking about a book deal.”
“A book deal?” As I fumbled with the coffee tin, the lid flew off and a fine spray of coffee spilled across the counter. “Fuck.”
“Calm down,” Dec said, reaching over to grab the sponge and wipe up the spillage. “It’s not like you to waste your most precious natural resource.”
I wasn’t finding much of anything funny at the moment, but I took his gentle admonishment and started making the coffee in a more rational state of being. “Did you tell him you turned down a book deal? Because you’re not an attention whore?”
“I didn’t say it quite that way, no. But I told him that wasn’t my way.”
“And what did he say?”
“He said he wasn’t me.”
“That’s the one thing he got right.”
Dec bit at his fingernail. He was watching me anxiously, and that in turn made me nervous. “He also said that he would be writing about us. When we were together.”
“You and me? How can he, I mean—”
“No, him and me.”
I couldn’t explode on him—he needed me to be calm. I filled the coffee machine at the sink, and was calmed a little at the first sound of steaming water hitting the grounds and the heavenly aroma that followed. “And?”
“And what? It’s not like I can stop him.”
I set the mugs a little too sharply on the counter. “Dec, you’ve got to stop being the good guy. He’s being a prick—just like he always was with you. What the hell did you ever see in him in the first place?”
I regretted it as soon as I said it, but it was too late to take it back. Declan’s calm veneer snapped. It happened so rarely that it always really shocked me.
“Because I was lonely!” he yelled. “And I didn’t know anybody else back then who was queer!”
I had never heard him say anything like that before. I was still trying to process his admission, so full of pain, while he fled to the balcony. The coffee was now ready, but I let it sit and followed Dec outside. He was leaning on the railing, staring down at the water. There was a bitter wind blowing off the water, and although he was trying to hide it, he looked cold. I hugged him from behind and rested my chin on his shoulder. His hand closed over mine.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “It wouldn’t have been easy.”
“It was my own fault. It was my choice, what I decided to do.”
“It’s not your fault, ” I said. “There’s no fault in it. It’s just the way it is for us. We all have to find different ways to survive at times, and some people have it harder
Taking my silence into account, Declan continued, “I would, believe me. Besides, it was good to come out and see you straightaway. When I left all I wanted was to be with you, and there you were.”
“Well, I did it all for you, really,” I lied.
Dec rolled his eyes. “Don’t push it, babe.”
That was like waving a red flag to a bull. I kicked off my sneakers, and they flew across the lounge to land metres apart from each other. It would drive Declan crazy, who liked things in neat piles. “So, tell me everything. Did he pledge his undying love for you? Tell you to ditch the zero and get with the hero?”
Dec took a while to answer, rubbing his palms over his eyes and sighing heavily.
I leaned back heavily into the arm of the couch. “He did, didn’t he?”
“He said a lot of things. Most of which I found personally offensive.”
I waited for him to elaborate, but times like this it was difficult to get anything out of Dec. “Well?”
“He made what he thought were reasonable business offers.”
“Son of a bitch! I’m going to kill him!”
“Don’t start talking like the prime suspect to a future murder. Especially because you’d have to get in line behind me.”
I jumped off the couch and started banging around in the freezer to find the coffee. “What reasonable business offers?”
Dec joined me in the kitchen, sitting at the counter. “He already has interviews lined up. Plus they’re talking about a book deal.”
“A book deal?” As I fumbled with the coffee tin, the lid flew off and a fine spray of coffee spilled across the counter. “Fuck.”
“Calm down,” Dec said, reaching over to grab the sponge and wipe up the spillage. “It’s not like you to waste your most precious natural resource.”
I wasn’t finding much of anything funny at the moment, but I took his gentle admonishment and started making the coffee in a more rational state of being. “Did you tell him you turned down a book deal? Because you’re not an attention whore?”
“I didn’t say it quite that way, no. But I told him that wasn’t my way.”
“And what did he say?”
“He said he wasn’t me.”
“That’s the one thing he got right.”
Dec bit at his fingernail. He was watching me anxiously, and that in turn made me nervous. “He also said that he would be writing about us. When we were together.”
“You and me? How can he, I mean—”
“No, him and me.”
I couldn’t explode on him—he needed me to be calm. I filled the coffee machine at the sink, and was calmed a little at the first sound of steaming water hitting the grounds and the heavenly aroma that followed. “And?”
“And what? It’s not like I can stop him.”
I set the mugs a little too sharply on the counter. “Dec, you’ve got to stop being the good guy. He’s being a prick—just like he always was with you. What the hell did you ever see in him in the first place?”
I regretted it as soon as I said it, but it was too late to take it back. Declan’s calm veneer snapped. It happened so rarely that it always really shocked me.
“Because I was lonely!” he yelled. “And I didn’t know anybody else back then who was queer!”
I had never heard him say anything like that before. I was still trying to process his admission, so full of pain, while he fled to the balcony. The coffee was now ready, but I let it sit and followed Dec outside. He was leaning on the railing, staring down at the water. There was a bitter wind blowing off the water, and although he was trying to hide it, he looked cold. I hugged him from behind and rested my chin on his shoulder. His hand closed over mine.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “It wouldn’t have been easy.”
“It was my own fault. It was my choice, what I decided to do.”
“It’s not your fault, ” I said. “There’s no fault in it. It’s just the way it is for us. We all have to find different ways to survive at times, and some people have it harder
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