to keep upright. I’m so unbelievably tired I’m seeing weird dancing lights on the edge of my vision.
Julian watches me with concern as he talks to Cassey.
“You okay?” he mouths midconversation.
I nod, even though I’m aware I’m slipping.
He reaches out and grabs my arm, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder.
“Shit. Remee?”
I feel my head fall back and hit the wall behind me and everything just goes so cold.
Luckily, I’m not out for long, and by the time Julian’s somehow sat me on the floor and propped my head between my knees, I’m coming together again.
“I’ll be back in a sec,” he murmurs, and his comforting warmth disappears from my side.
He returns with a handful of sugar sachets, palmed from the hospital cafe opposite reception.
Opening one with his teeth, he tips the contents onto my hand and holds it up to my mouth.
“When was the last time you ate anything, baby?”
I shrug. I honestly can’t remember.
He opens another sachet, tips his head back, and swallows the contents himself. Then one by one we work our way through them. This is why Cassey has to hide the sugar in the cafe—there have been days when we have survived on nothing else but sugar and ketchup sachets.
It doesn’t make you feel great; in fact I probably feel more hollow and empty than before, now that my stomach has woken up, but at least the weird lights have gone from my vision, and the brief sugar high means I have a bit of energy.
“You went so fucking pale just then, you know.”
Which I know translates as you scared the shit out of me .
I push my body against his in reassurance, and we sit like that, leaning into one another, too exhausted to communicate as we wait for Cassey to arrive.
It’s dark again by the time Cassey comes in her beat-up car to drive us back to the cafe. We sink into the backseat, and I close my eyes as Julian wraps his warm arms around me. He smells so fucking good, even if it is a bit hospital-y. And I know this is all I need. All I want. Always.
The next time I open my eyes, the car is stopped under the dim orange glow of a streetlight, and Cassey is talking in a low voice to Julian. She hands him a set of keys to the back door.
“Phillippe left with Cricket and Roxy, so you have the place to yourselves. I’m sorry I can’t let you stay indefinitely, but if anyone finds out, they’ll shut me down. Two or three weeks is the best I can do.”
Julian nods gratefully.
“Thank you,” he says, squeezing his arm tighter around me and edging toward the door.
Everything is shut up, and the building is dark. I notice the broken window Julian smashed is boarded up with a solid-looking piece of plywood. Secure.
“Gem left you some bits and pieces in the back room,” Cassey calls through the car window, remembering, just before she drives away.
“Only out of guilt,” Julian mutters darkly as we walk across the yard we’ve slept in more times than I can count.
My breath is smoky vapor in the freezing air as Julian struggles with the lock, determined to fit and twist the key one-handed in the gloom.
Did you argue with Gem? I sign after we’ve switched every light switch we can find.
Julian looks away briefly. “You could say that,” he says, standing in the doorway between the back room and the hall. “Gem let you go when you went there for help.”
Do you still…? I stop. What on earth am I asking him? I know he doesn’t, of course I know he doesn’t still have those feelings for Gem, so why do I want to hear him say he doesn’t so much?
“What?” he asks softly.
I shake my head a bit too vigorously. Nothing.
Sometimes, when he looks at me like this, I think he can see inside me, right through to all the stupid fears and anxieties written on the walls of my mind.
“It was over a long time ago, baby.”
You loved her, though.
Julian cocks his head, eyebrows furrowed.
“Him. I loved him.”
Oh.
Realization comes like curtains opening in a
Julian watches me with concern as he talks to Cassey.
“You okay?” he mouths midconversation.
I nod, even though I’m aware I’m slipping.
He reaches out and grabs my arm, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder.
“Shit. Remee?”
I feel my head fall back and hit the wall behind me and everything just goes so cold.
Luckily, I’m not out for long, and by the time Julian’s somehow sat me on the floor and propped my head between my knees, I’m coming together again.
“I’ll be back in a sec,” he murmurs, and his comforting warmth disappears from my side.
He returns with a handful of sugar sachets, palmed from the hospital cafe opposite reception.
Opening one with his teeth, he tips the contents onto my hand and holds it up to my mouth.
“When was the last time you ate anything, baby?”
I shrug. I honestly can’t remember.
He opens another sachet, tips his head back, and swallows the contents himself. Then one by one we work our way through them. This is why Cassey has to hide the sugar in the cafe—there have been days when we have survived on nothing else but sugar and ketchup sachets.
It doesn’t make you feel great; in fact I probably feel more hollow and empty than before, now that my stomach has woken up, but at least the weird lights have gone from my vision, and the brief sugar high means I have a bit of energy.
“You went so fucking pale just then, you know.”
Which I know translates as you scared the shit out of me .
I push my body against his in reassurance, and we sit like that, leaning into one another, too exhausted to communicate as we wait for Cassey to arrive.
It’s dark again by the time Cassey comes in her beat-up car to drive us back to the cafe. We sink into the backseat, and I close my eyes as Julian wraps his warm arms around me. He smells so fucking good, even if it is a bit hospital-y. And I know this is all I need. All I want. Always.
The next time I open my eyes, the car is stopped under the dim orange glow of a streetlight, and Cassey is talking in a low voice to Julian. She hands him a set of keys to the back door.
“Phillippe left with Cricket and Roxy, so you have the place to yourselves. I’m sorry I can’t let you stay indefinitely, but if anyone finds out, they’ll shut me down. Two or three weeks is the best I can do.”
Julian nods gratefully.
“Thank you,” he says, squeezing his arm tighter around me and edging toward the door.
Everything is shut up, and the building is dark. I notice the broken window Julian smashed is boarded up with a solid-looking piece of plywood. Secure.
“Gem left you some bits and pieces in the back room,” Cassey calls through the car window, remembering, just before she drives away.
“Only out of guilt,” Julian mutters darkly as we walk across the yard we’ve slept in more times than I can count.
My breath is smoky vapor in the freezing air as Julian struggles with the lock, determined to fit and twist the key one-handed in the gloom.
Did you argue with Gem? I sign after we’ve switched every light switch we can find.
Julian looks away briefly. “You could say that,” he says, standing in the doorway between the back room and the hall. “Gem let you go when you went there for help.”
Do you still…? I stop. What on earth am I asking him? I know he doesn’t, of course I know he doesn’t still have those feelings for Gem, so why do I want to hear him say he doesn’t so much?
“What?” he asks softly.
I shake my head a bit too vigorously. Nothing.
Sometimes, when he looks at me like this, I think he can see inside me, right through to all the stupid fears and anxieties written on the walls of my mind.
“It was over a long time ago, baby.”
You loved her, though.
Julian cocks his head, eyebrows furrowed.
“Him. I loved him.”
Oh.
Realization comes like curtains opening in a
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