Thinking Straight by Robin Reardon Page B

center front and then set about to look as distracted as possible so he’d be called on. At any rate, that’s how things happened.
    â€œI need forgiveness” was all he said at first.
    â€œTell us why.”
    At first Charles just took a couple of shaky breaths and fidgeted with his fingers, but our Fearless Leader waited with saintly patience until he went on.
    â€œI have broken a Program Rule [my capitalization again; I’m getting good at this].” And he stopped again.
    The Saint prodded. “Which rule, Charles?” Her voice was gentle but insistent.
    â€œI interrupted the very first Contemplation of my new roommate Taylor.” He took a breath before he could go on. As for me, it nearly stopped my breathing. He looked up at the throne. “His very first one! It was his time, his own time, for reflecting on how he came to be here, on what he needs to learn, for understanding what things will help him and what things will hold him back. I was overwhelmed by the temptation to check on him. I—I confess my own lack of faith.”
    Holy shit. (Demerit be damned.) Charles was confessing his violation of my privacy! Where would he go next? Is he going to talk about what he found when he committed this “interruption”? I was really holding my breath by now.
    Mrs. Harnett was nodding. Then, “And what do you think led you to lose faith, Charles? What was preying on your mind?”
    More finger fidgeting. “I think it means I’m still too attached to my own failure.” He closed his eyes, and for a second I thought I saw something fall. A tear was the only thing I could think of, but his voice didn’t sound like he was crying. “I haven’t been successful in turning over to God what happened to Ray. I’ve held onto it.”
    No one else was breathing either, I swear. At least, that’s how quiet it was in the room. Then Mrs. Harnett, obviously knowing the answer but wanting him to say it, asked, “And what happened to Ray?”
    Honest to God, I saw him shudder. But he went on bravely. “He took his life. He overstepped the limits of Free Will. He lost ultimate faith.”
    Whoa! Was he telling me that the last guy to sleep in my bed, use my desk, had killed himself? The shock almost made me miss the Saint’s next question.
    â€œAnd how does this concern you?”
    Eyes still closed, it was obvious now that he really was crying. His breath was catching oddly as he went on. “He was my roommate. And I took too much responsibility upon myself. And he’s gone.” The word gone was almost inaudible.
    â€œDid you lose him, Charles?”
    â€œNo.”
    â€œDid you falter in your determination, in your own thinking or acting?”
    â€œNo.”
    â€œHow have you sinned?”
    â€œIn my lack of faith.”
    â€œGo on.”
    He took a deep breath, a shaky one, but it seemed to help. He snuffled, and opened his eyes. “I did everything I could to help Ray remain steadfast. I loved him. I set a good example for him. But I wasn’t enough. I tried so hard, like I was trying to do God’s job. I took on myself the things that are God’s to do. And when Ray was lost, I blamed myself.”
    â€œAnd who else?”
    â€œWhat?”
    â€œWho else do you blame?”
    Charles blinked. “No one.”
    â€œNot Ray?”
    â€œNo! Ray was lost. He couldn’t be blamed, not by me, not for anything.”
    â€œNot Leland?”
    Several kids turned to look at the unfortunate fourth in our SafeZone club. So that was Leland.
    â€œNo. Not Leland. I can’t blame Leland for his weaknesses. It’s not my place to judge.”
    Weakness? There was some kind of weakness of Leland’s that had to do with Ray? You know where my mind went; they must have been lovers. Or wanted to be. Whatever. And my breakfast companion Marie had done something that—according to what Charles had