ready to tell you about yet, but I’m going to do my best to stop lying to you and to myself about my feelings for you.”
I pause to catch my breath and gather my nerve to finish what I want to get out.
“I know you’ve made it clear you don’t see me that way, and I know you don’t want me like I want you, so I’ll try really hard to continue being just your friend, because having some of you is better than having none of you at all. I just don’t know how to control my feelings or my actions when it comes to thinking about you being with someone else.”
I suck in a rush of air, trying to regain my breath after spitting all of that out faster than he could probably keep up with. I look up at him, feeling more exposed than I’ve ever felt before in my life. He has no idea how hard it was for me to say those things. Giving him that tiny glimpse of my desperation was incredibly difficult.
He leans back, crosses his arms over his chest, and lifts his eyes to mine. A lone tear rolls down my cheek, but I don’t try to wipe it away because these tears serve a purpose. I just let it fall, allowing him to see me. I can’t help but wonder if my life will always be filled with these kinds of moments, fear, sadness, and pain.
Confusion and worry cloud his eyes. I drop my gaze from his and look down to my lap.
“Jess, I know that was hard for you to say. To be honest, I already knew without you saying it, but I just needed to be sure. First of all, this isn’t about me not wanting you, so please don’t think that I’m blind, dumb, and deaf to the beautiful girl sitting in front of me.”
He leans in toward me and rests his elbows on the table.
“That’s not what this is about. You have no reason to feel unwanted, so just know that right now. Any guy in his right mind would want you, especially if they knew the Jessica that I know. Aside from your body, your eyes, and that damn curtain of shiny black hair, you’re funny as hell and I have a shitload of fun with you. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to grab you in the pool, throw you over my shoulder, and take you inside to my bedroom.”
He stops to drop his head briefly.
Looking back at me he says, “But what stops me is the inevitable. Think about it, Jess. How many high school relationships turn into something lasting? Few to none. How many people date in high school, have a huge falling out over some stupid high school bullshit, and then graduate never to see or hear from each other again? The answer is almost all of them. I don’t want that for us. I don’t want to lose what we’ve built.”
His words wrap around me one by one, bit by bit, solidifying everything I already knew. Jace is different from the rest. He’s good and true. He’s one of the nice guys.
“You’re the only friend I’ve ever shared Genevieve with, and it makes me value this friendship more than my raging teenage hormones. I want to have you in my life for years to come, and the only way to make sure that has a real chance is to take the drama of a physical romantic relationship out of the equation. Can’t you see that us being friends is safer than us being something else?”
I know that everything he’s saying makes sense. He’s so thoughtful, and the fact that an eighteen-year-old guy can put his hormones on the back burner for something he values more says a lot. Guys usually value me based on sexual encounters alone, so I should be happy about this, but I’m not. I can only think about him being with someone else eventually, and I can’t stand the thought of it. Thinking about him with another girl breaks me. It consumes me, causing an abysmal hole to open in my chest that threatens to suck me inside of myself, never to be released again.
I have no idea what to say or do. This will never work. Maybe if I was normal and had the ability to regulate my emotions I could agree to everything he said, but the fact that I know he’ll fall into bed with
I pause to catch my breath and gather my nerve to finish what I want to get out.
“I know you’ve made it clear you don’t see me that way, and I know you don’t want me like I want you, so I’ll try really hard to continue being just your friend, because having some of you is better than having none of you at all. I just don’t know how to control my feelings or my actions when it comes to thinking about you being with someone else.”
I suck in a rush of air, trying to regain my breath after spitting all of that out faster than he could probably keep up with. I look up at him, feeling more exposed than I’ve ever felt before in my life. He has no idea how hard it was for me to say those things. Giving him that tiny glimpse of my desperation was incredibly difficult.
He leans back, crosses his arms over his chest, and lifts his eyes to mine. A lone tear rolls down my cheek, but I don’t try to wipe it away because these tears serve a purpose. I just let it fall, allowing him to see me. I can’t help but wonder if my life will always be filled with these kinds of moments, fear, sadness, and pain.
Confusion and worry cloud his eyes. I drop my gaze from his and look down to my lap.
“Jess, I know that was hard for you to say. To be honest, I already knew without you saying it, but I just needed to be sure. First of all, this isn’t about me not wanting you, so please don’t think that I’m blind, dumb, and deaf to the beautiful girl sitting in front of me.”
He leans in toward me and rests his elbows on the table.
“That’s not what this is about. You have no reason to feel unwanted, so just know that right now. Any guy in his right mind would want you, especially if they knew the Jessica that I know. Aside from your body, your eyes, and that damn curtain of shiny black hair, you’re funny as hell and I have a shitload of fun with you. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to grab you in the pool, throw you over my shoulder, and take you inside to my bedroom.”
He stops to drop his head briefly.
Looking back at me he says, “But what stops me is the inevitable. Think about it, Jess. How many high school relationships turn into something lasting? Few to none. How many people date in high school, have a huge falling out over some stupid high school bullshit, and then graduate never to see or hear from each other again? The answer is almost all of them. I don’t want that for us. I don’t want to lose what we’ve built.”
His words wrap around me one by one, bit by bit, solidifying everything I already knew. Jace is different from the rest. He’s good and true. He’s one of the nice guys.
“You’re the only friend I’ve ever shared Genevieve with, and it makes me value this friendship more than my raging teenage hormones. I want to have you in my life for years to come, and the only way to make sure that has a real chance is to take the drama of a physical romantic relationship out of the equation. Can’t you see that us being friends is safer than us being something else?”
I know that everything he’s saying makes sense. He’s so thoughtful, and the fact that an eighteen-year-old guy can put his hormones on the back burner for something he values more says a lot. Guys usually value me based on sexual encounters alone, so I should be happy about this, but I’m not. I can only think about him being with someone else eventually, and I can’t stand the thought of it. Thinking about him with another girl breaks me. It consumes me, causing an abysmal hole to open in my chest that threatens to suck me inside of myself, never to be released again.
I have no idea what to say or do. This will never work. Maybe if I was normal and had the ability to regulate my emotions I could agree to everything he said, but the fact that I know he’ll fall into bed with
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