look after me. I could croak any minute with my poor overloaded heart no one would know anything about it that terrifies the guts out of me. They’ll find a rotting corpse behind the door I’ll stink I’ll have shat the rats will have eaten my nose. Die alone live alone no I can’t bear it. I need to have a man I want Tristan to come back lousy dunghill of a world they are shouting they are laughing and here I am withering on the shelf: forty-three it’s too soon it’s unfair I want to live. Big-time life that’s me: the convertible the apartment the dresses everything. Florent shelled out and no horsing around—except a little in bed right’s right—all he wanted to do was to go to bed with me and show me off in smart joints I was lovely my loveliest time all my girlfriends were dying with envy. It makes me sick to think of those days nobody takes me out anymore I just stay here stewing in my own shit. I’m sick of it I’m sick of it sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.
That bastard Tristan I want him to have me out to a restaurant to a theater I’ll insist upon it I don’t insist nearly enough all he does is come drooling along here either byhimself or with the kid sits there with a mealy-mouthed smirk on his face and at the end of an hour he drools off again. Not so much as a sign of life even on New Year’s Eve! Swine! I’m bored black I’m bored through the ground it’s inhuman. If I slept that would kill the time. But there is this noise outside. And inside my head they are giving that dirty laugh and saying, “She’s all alone.” They’ll laugh the other side of their faces when Tristan comes back to me. He’ll come back I’ll make him I certainly will. I’ll go to the couturiers again I’ll give cocktail parties evening parties my picture will be in
Vogue
with a neckline plunging to there I have better breasts than anyone. “Have you seen the picture of Murielle?” They will be utterly fucked and Francis will tell them about how we go to the zoo the circus the skating rink I’ll spoil him that’ll make them choke on their lies their slanders. Such hatred! Clear-sighted too clear-sighted. They don’t like being seen through: as for me I’m straight I don’t join their act I tear masks off. They don’t forgive me for that. A mother jealous of her daughter so now I’ve seen everything. She flung me at Albert’s head to get rid of me for other reasons too no I don’t want to believe it. What a dirty trick to have urged me into that marriage me so vital alive a burning flame and him stuffy middle-class coldhearted prick like limp macaroni. I would have known the kind of man to suit Sylvie. I had her under control yes I was firm but I was always affectionate always ready to talk I wanted to be a friend to her and I would have kissed my mother’s hands if she had behaved like that to me. But what a thankless heart. She’s dead and so all right what of it? The dead are not saints. She wouldn’t cooperate she never confided in me at all. There was someone in her life a boyor maybe a girl who can tell this generation is so twisted. But there wasn’t a precaution she didn’t take. Not a single letter in her drawers and the last two years not a single page of diary: if she went on keeping one she hid it terribly well even after her death I didn’t find anything. Blind with fury just because I was doing my duty as a mother. Me the selfish one when she ran away like that it would have been in my interest to have left her with her father. Without her I still had a chance of making a new life for myself. It was for her own good that I
That bastard Tristan I want him to have me out to a restaurant to a theater I’ll insist upon it I don’t insist nearly enough all he does is come drooling along here either byhimself or with the kid sits there with a mealy-mouthed smirk on his face and at the end of an hour he drools off again. Not so much as a sign of life even on New Year’s Eve! Swine! I’m bored black I’m bored through the ground it’s inhuman. If I slept that would kill the time. But there is this noise outside. And inside my head they are giving that dirty laugh and saying, “She’s all alone.” They’ll laugh the other side of their faces when Tristan comes back to me. He’ll come back I’ll make him I certainly will. I’ll go to the couturiers again I’ll give cocktail parties evening parties my picture will be in
Vogue
with a neckline plunging to there I have better breasts than anyone. “Have you seen the picture of Murielle?” They will be utterly fucked and Francis will tell them about how we go to the zoo the circus the skating rink I’ll spoil him that’ll make them choke on their lies their slanders. Such hatred! Clear-sighted too clear-sighted. They don’t like being seen through: as for me I’m straight I don’t join their act I tear masks off. They don’t forgive me for that. A mother jealous of her daughter so now I’ve seen everything. She flung me at Albert’s head to get rid of me for other reasons too no I don’t want to believe it. What a dirty trick to have urged me into that marriage me so vital alive a burning flame and him stuffy middle-class coldhearted prick like limp macaroni. I would have known the kind of man to suit Sylvie. I had her under control yes I was firm but I was always affectionate always ready to talk I wanted to be a friend to her and I would have kissed my mother’s hands if she had behaved like that to me. But what a thankless heart. She’s dead and so all right what of it? The dead are not saints. She wouldn’t cooperate she never confided in me at all. There was someone in her life a boyor maybe a girl who can tell this generation is so twisted. But there wasn’t a precaution she didn’t take. Not a single letter in her drawers and the last two years not a single page of diary: if she went on keeping one she hid it terribly well even after her death I didn’t find anything. Blind with fury just because I was doing my duty as a mother. Me the selfish one when she ran away like that it would have been in my interest to have left her with her father. Without her I still had a chance of making a new life for myself. It was for her own good that I
Similar Books
