died?”
He sighed and rolled onto his side so he could look at me with his head propped up on his hand. I touched the smile that curled his mouth, because it was the saddest thing I’d ever seen and I wanted to wipe it away. “I want to tell you,” he whispered. “But I don’t want you to think less of me.” He lowered his eyes. “I’m a coward.”
“No,” I said, even though I had no idea. I kissed him lightly. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I’m here and…I want to know you. I want to understand. If there’s anything I can…”
He shook his head. “I broke Heath’s heart,” he softly said. “And this is my punishment. A hundred years in solitude while I watch other people fall in love.”
I gasped and his gaze found mine again. “That’s incredibly cruel,” I whispered. “What happened?”
“If I hadn’t run, if I’d stayed with Heath and convinced him to come with me, he wouldn’t have killed himself. I’m sure of it. But the punishments for men like him and myself were brutal. I sacrificed what we had because I was scared. I hid at my family’s estate. When I fell off my horse I was stupid and reckless. I knew better than to take the poor thing out in the middle of winter. This is my penance. I had a hundred years to make other people fall in love, and if I didn’t manage it…”
“What,” I asked, my heart tripping over itself in trepidation, “what happens now?”
His mouth twisted and I thought I saw fear in his eyes. “There’s a place I go sometimes. There’s nothing there. It’s just empty and dark and—and lonely. Every time it takes me longer to get out of there.”
“Is that why I don’t see you sometimes? For weeks on end?”
“Yes.”
“That place, what is it?”
“I don’t know.” His breath shuddered. “But after Christmas… Whenever I’m back, like this—” He squeezed my hand. “It takes me a lot longer to return. This time I’m afraid I won’t be able to get back at all. I think my time is up, Nathaniel.”
I made an anguished noise and reached for him. “No, it’s not—that won’t happen. I won’t let it.”
“I’m afraid you have no choice, love. I failed. No matter what I did, I could never make people fall in love. Look at you and Elisa. I had you in my care for all these years and nothing ever happened. Your uncle…”
“Never had any interest in falling in love. This is ridiculous. Who made these rules? You can’t make people fall in love, Gabriel!” I sat up and held his hands. “Heath dying was not your doing. Society and the inhumane laws at that time were at fault.”
Gabriel looked away. “It is. I did love him but I was too scared to give it a try. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything for him, other than—” his face twisted “—the most base feelings a human could feel for another.”
“Gabriel.” My heart twisted. “It wasn’t your fault. Not loving him like you thought you should’ve, living in such unforgiving times, Heath dying, you dying, none of it was your responsibility. And even if it was. Don’t you think you’ve been punished enough?”
A hundred years…it made me so sad.
Gabriel nodded but I could tell he didn’t believe me, and I held him as he cried.
“I’m scared, Nathaniel,” he whispered in his weakest moment and I buried my nose in his hair.
“I’m scared too.”
I didn’t want to sleep that night. Breakfast was always served later on Christmas day so I didn’t necessarily need to get out of bed if I didn’t want to. If I only had a few days left with him, I wanted to be there for every minute. I crawled into my bed with him—and ah God, how was I supposed to get used to not having him here with me after seeing his beautiful body spread out over my white linens—I turned toward him and touched him absentmindedly.
“Maybe,” I tried, “maybe this means you finally get to move on. I mean, to wherever you were supposed
He sighed and rolled onto his side so he could look at me with his head propped up on his hand. I touched the smile that curled his mouth, because it was the saddest thing I’d ever seen and I wanted to wipe it away. “I want to tell you,” he whispered. “But I don’t want you to think less of me.” He lowered his eyes. “I’m a coward.”
“No,” I said, even though I had no idea. I kissed him lightly. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I’m here and…I want to know you. I want to understand. If there’s anything I can…”
He shook his head. “I broke Heath’s heart,” he softly said. “And this is my punishment. A hundred years in solitude while I watch other people fall in love.”
I gasped and his gaze found mine again. “That’s incredibly cruel,” I whispered. “What happened?”
“If I hadn’t run, if I’d stayed with Heath and convinced him to come with me, he wouldn’t have killed himself. I’m sure of it. But the punishments for men like him and myself were brutal. I sacrificed what we had because I was scared. I hid at my family’s estate. When I fell off my horse I was stupid and reckless. I knew better than to take the poor thing out in the middle of winter. This is my penance. I had a hundred years to make other people fall in love, and if I didn’t manage it…”
“What,” I asked, my heart tripping over itself in trepidation, “what happens now?”
His mouth twisted and I thought I saw fear in his eyes. “There’s a place I go sometimes. There’s nothing there. It’s just empty and dark and—and lonely. Every time it takes me longer to get out of there.”
“Is that why I don’t see you sometimes? For weeks on end?”
“Yes.”
“That place, what is it?”
“I don’t know.” His breath shuddered. “But after Christmas… Whenever I’m back, like this—” He squeezed my hand. “It takes me a lot longer to return. This time I’m afraid I won’t be able to get back at all. I think my time is up, Nathaniel.”
I made an anguished noise and reached for him. “No, it’s not—that won’t happen. I won’t let it.”
“I’m afraid you have no choice, love. I failed. No matter what I did, I could never make people fall in love. Look at you and Elisa. I had you in my care for all these years and nothing ever happened. Your uncle…”
“Never had any interest in falling in love. This is ridiculous. Who made these rules? You can’t make people fall in love, Gabriel!” I sat up and held his hands. “Heath dying was not your doing. Society and the inhumane laws at that time were at fault.”
Gabriel looked away. “It is. I did love him but I was too scared to give it a try. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything for him, other than—” his face twisted “—the most base feelings a human could feel for another.”
“Gabriel.” My heart twisted. “It wasn’t your fault. Not loving him like you thought you should’ve, living in such unforgiving times, Heath dying, you dying, none of it was your responsibility. And even if it was. Don’t you think you’ve been punished enough?”
A hundred years…it made me so sad.
Gabriel nodded but I could tell he didn’t believe me, and I held him as he cried.
“I’m scared, Nathaniel,” he whispered in his weakest moment and I buried my nose in his hair.
“I’m scared too.”
I didn’t want to sleep that night. Breakfast was always served later on Christmas day so I didn’t necessarily need to get out of bed if I didn’t want to. If I only had a few days left with him, I wanted to be there for every minute. I crawled into my bed with him—and ah God, how was I supposed to get used to not having him here with me after seeing his beautiful body spread out over my white linens—I turned toward him and touched him absentmindedly.
“Maybe,” I tried, “maybe this means you finally get to move on. I mean, to wherever you were supposed
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