The Wilt Alternative by Tom Sharpe Page A

we're on the subject of sterilizing I'd

like to hear your views on vasectomy.'
    'I'm pretty neutral on the subject,' said the doctor.
    'Well I'm not,' snarled Wilt from the corner. 'In fact I am distinctly biased not to say

prejudiced. What are you laughing about?' The muscular Sister was smiling. 'You're not some

damned women's libber, are you?'
    'I'm a working woman,' said the Sister, 'and my politics are my own affair. They don't enter

into the matter.'
    'And I'm a working man and I want to remain that way and politics do enter into the matter.

I've heard what they get up to in India and if I walk out of here with a transistor, no balls and

jabbering like an incipient mezzo-soprano I warn you I shall return with a meat cleaver and

you'll both learn what social genetics are all about.'
    'Well, if that is your attitude,' said the doctor, 'I suggest you try private medicine, Mr

Wilt. You get what you pay for that way. I can only assure you.'
    It took ten minutes to lure Wilt back on to the couch and five seconds to get him off again

clutching his scrotum.
    'Freezer,' he squealed. 'My God, you meant it too. What the hell do you think I've got down

there, a packet of freezable peas?'
    'We'll just wait until the anaesthetic takes effect,' said the doctor. 'It shouldn't be long

now.'
    'It isn't,' squawked Wilt peering down. 'It's bloody disappearing. I came in here to have

minor medication, not a sex-change operation, and if you think my wife is going to be happy

having a husband with a clitoris you sorely misjudge the woman.'
    'I'd say you had already misjudged her,' said the doctor cheerfully. 'Any woman who can

inflict that sort of damage on her husband deserves what she gets.'
    'She may but I don't,' said Wilt frantically. 'I happen... What's she doing with that

tube?'
    The Sister was unwrapping a catheter.
    'Mr Wilt,' said the doctor, 'we are going to insert this...'
    'No, you're not,' shouted Wilt. 'I may be shrinking rapidly in parts but I'm not Alice in

Wonderland or a fucking dwarf with chronic constipation. I heard what she said about an oil enema

and I'm not having one.'
    'No one intends giving you an enema. This will simply enable you to pass water through the

bandages. Now kindly get back on the couch before I have to call for assistance.'
    'What do you mean pass water simply?' asked Wilt cautiously, climbing on to the couch. The

doctor explained, and this time it took four male nurses to hold Wilt down. Throughout the

operation he kept up a barrage of obscene observations and it was only the threat of a general

anaesthetic that caused him to lower his voice. Even then his remark that the doctor and the

Sister were less fitted for medicine than for offshore oil drilling could be heard in the

waiting-room.
    'That's right, send me out into the world like a bleeding petrol pump,' he said when he was

finally allowed to go There's such a thing as the dignity of man, you know.'
    The doctor looked at him sceptically. 'In the light of your behaviour I'll reserve my opinion

on the matter. Call in again next week and we'll see how you're coming along.'
    'The only reason I'll be back is if I don't come again,' said Wilt bitterly 'From now on I'll

see the family doctor.' He hobbled out to a telephone and called for a taxi.
    By the time he got home the anaesthetic was beginning to wear off. He went wearily upstairs

and climbed into bed. He was lying there staring at the ceiling and wondering why he was not as

other men presumably were when it came to bearing pain manfully, and wishing he was, when Eva

returned with the quads.
    'You do look awful,' she said encouragingly as she stood by the bed.
    'I am awful,' said Wilt. 'Why I should be married to a female circumcisionist, God alone

knows.'
    'Perhaps it will teach you not to drink so much in future.'
    'It's already taught me not to let you get your mitts near my waterworks,' said Wilt. 'And I

mean waterworks.'
    Even