mother’s maiden name. Everyone he works with calls him C.J., but he told me right away I can call him Jamie, realizing after our night out to dinner that it made me uncomfortable to call him C.J. Although it might make it easier to think of him as this stranger by calling him C.J., it almost makes me angry to do so. I can’t quite figure out why other than that it pisses me off to think that he changed his entire life when he left and went back to Ireland; he changed everything that I thought he was, including his name.
Today Mike would be joining me for a meeting with the entire crew from C.J. Fox Company, and it was going to be one of the first times Mike and Jamie are in the same room with me. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it makes me nervous. I have done everything possible to hide the discourse in my marriage from all of them. I know Frank has known something was up from our first meeting, and I’m sure Lee has let some things slip now that she’s been spending more time with him. But Jamie knows nothing. He doesn’t know that after my weekend away with Mike that things not only went back to how they were before we left, but have gotten worse in some ways.
Even though Mike moved back into my room and comes home every night at a decent hour, he seems more unhappy than ever. He’s on his phone constantly and if it wasn’t for all of the curse words and scowls he makes when I catch him around the corner, I’d think he was talking to some woman he’s cheating on me with. When we’re in public, he’s kind and courteous to me, always one to put on a show of perfection to others. But when we’re home alone together, it’s almost as if I don’t exist, and I can’t decide what was worse. Was it worse when he was having an affair and pretended to be head over heels in love with me to cover his tracks, or was it worse being ignored altogether? I’m in a constant state of paranoia, trying my best not to ruffle feathers with bothering him with my insecurities. Dr. Murphy reminds me each week that I either need to accept our relationship for how it is and let him work through the stress of his life, the life that provides our family a comfortable living, or to leave him and make a life for myself and my kids, sacrificing the luxuries Mike’s busy career has afforded us.
The thing is, I don’t care about the “luxuries.” Sure, it’s nice not having to worry about money, but I’ve never felt as though I fit in with the Orange County lifestyle and have never been sure I even wanted to. Over the years, I’ve always kept a polite friendship with my children’s friends’ parents, but never joined them on their tennis dates or luncheons while the kids are at school. Interior design was always my escape from the reality of life in Southern California. My friendships with Lee and Rita also help to keep me grounded, and it was probably one of the many reasons I love them so much.
I park my car and check my messages before going in for a workout before my meeting later. I texted Mike earlier to see whether he wanted to meet me at home and drive to the meeting together, but he still hasn’t responded. Just as my mind begins to fill with questions about what he’s doing or who he is with, I remind myself that I can’t let my worries take over. I need to trust Mike if we are going to make it through this difficult part of our relationship.
I close my eyes and picture my sweet boys before I hop out of the car, repeating to myself that I have to think happy to feel happy. Christ, if Lee actually knew I used the advice she gave me for my daily affirmations, I’d never hear the end of it.
Just the thought of her bragging brings me out of my doubtful self-pity. I open the door to my gym to look for Lee and Rita, who always take the Tuesday morning class with me. It’s my favorite time of the week because it’s the one time that we all go out for coffee and gossip together. It’s a rarity for the three of us to
Today Mike would be joining me for a meeting with the entire crew from C.J. Fox Company, and it was going to be one of the first times Mike and Jamie are in the same room with me. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it makes me nervous. I have done everything possible to hide the discourse in my marriage from all of them. I know Frank has known something was up from our first meeting, and I’m sure Lee has let some things slip now that she’s been spending more time with him. But Jamie knows nothing. He doesn’t know that after my weekend away with Mike that things not only went back to how they were before we left, but have gotten worse in some ways.
Even though Mike moved back into my room and comes home every night at a decent hour, he seems more unhappy than ever. He’s on his phone constantly and if it wasn’t for all of the curse words and scowls he makes when I catch him around the corner, I’d think he was talking to some woman he’s cheating on me with. When we’re in public, he’s kind and courteous to me, always one to put on a show of perfection to others. But when we’re home alone together, it’s almost as if I don’t exist, and I can’t decide what was worse. Was it worse when he was having an affair and pretended to be head over heels in love with me to cover his tracks, or was it worse being ignored altogether? I’m in a constant state of paranoia, trying my best not to ruffle feathers with bothering him with my insecurities. Dr. Murphy reminds me each week that I either need to accept our relationship for how it is and let him work through the stress of his life, the life that provides our family a comfortable living, or to leave him and make a life for myself and my kids, sacrificing the luxuries Mike’s busy career has afforded us.
The thing is, I don’t care about the “luxuries.” Sure, it’s nice not having to worry about money, but I’ve never felt as though I fit in with the Orange County lifestyle and have never been sure I even wanted to. Over the years, I’ve always kept a polite friendship with my children’s friends’ parents, but never joined them on their tennis dates or luncheons while the kids are at school. Interior design was always my escape from the reality of life in Southern California. My friendships with Lee and Rita also help to keep me grounded, and it was probably one of the many reasons I love them so much.
I park my car and check my messages before going in for a workout before my meeting later. I texted Mike earlier to see whether he wanted to meet me at home and drive to the meeting together, but he still hasn’t responded. Just as my mind begins to fill with questions about what he’s doing or who he is with, I remind myself that I can’t let my worries take over. I need to trust Mike if we are going to make it through this difficult part of our relationship.
I close my eyes and picture my sweet boys before I hop out of the car, repeating to myself that I have to think happy to feel happy. Christ, if Lee actually knew I used the advice she gave me for my daily affirmations, I’d never hear the end of it.
Just the thought of her bragging brings me out of my doubtful self-pity. I open the door to my gym to look for Lee and Rita, who always take the Tuesday morning class with me. It’s my favorite time of the week because it’s the one time that we all go out for coffee and gossip together. It’s a rarity for the three of us to
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