The Wedding: A Family's Coming Out Story by Doug Wythe, Andrew Merling, Roslyn Merling, Sheldon Merling
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have waited longer
before pressing the point, but I was convinced that if the two of us had a
future, I needed to see if we were meant to spend our lives together, and
living under the same roof seemed the next logical step.
ANDREW Moving in together was
entirely Doug’s idea. Maybe I would have been ready six months, or even a year
later. But he wanted to do it too early, and I felt pressured. I was just
becoming accustomed to having someone sleep in the same bed with me and here he
was asking me to move in with him? In some ways, I saw advantages to living
together, after all, moving to a larger apartment, a one bedroom, was
appealing. Not only that, but I loved Doug. However, I found myself focusing on
reasons why it wasn’t a good idea. The biggest problem I had with Doug was the
way he handled conflict. I can recall countless times when he would explode
into a rage and storm out of my apartment. Conflicts would often go unresolved
leaving us both silently dissatisfied. I have to admit that there were many
times that I unnecessarily provoked him, criticizing him for his choice of
clothes or hairstyle, for example. In fact, this critical position was a norm
amongst me and my siblings, and I hadn’t given it much thought until Doug came
into my life.
After doing some research on the rental market,
Doug and I learned that the rent we would pay together for a small one bedroom
wouldn’t be any less than the sum of what we paid separately. In fact it would
probably be somewhere in the vicinity of fifty dollars more a month. We each
had very cheap, tiny studio apartments, but we knew we’d kill each other if we
had to occupy that small an area together. With a one bedroom, we would gain
more living space, but my father chastised “You’re supposed to save money if
you move in together, not spend more!”
I didn’t believe that fifty dollars a month
warranted repeated carping, but my need to seek his approval further fed my
ambivalence. And, while it’s true that at least one of my siblings received similar
financial support while seeking an advanced degree, that didn’t cancel out the
significant factor that he was still supporting me . So I was tied,
ultimately, to his final decision.
SHELDON I didn’t see anything
wrong with the two of them moving in together. In fact, I would encourage
anybody who is moving into a new environment to find a roommate. What I did
question was why Andrew wouldn’t see any savings in rent if he were to share an
apartment. It wasn’t that I discouraged him from moving in with Doug, I only
discouraged him from moving into a fancy place.
DOUG I could understand Sheldon’s
financial concern, theoretically. However, it sounded to me like he was
disturbed about something other than forty or fifty dollars a month. One phrase
of Sheldon’s that Andrew repeated to me struck a chord. “I can understand you
wanting companionship. But why do you have to live together?”
Was that a question you would ask a heterosexual
couple?
SHELDON I saw this as two people
moving in together, like roommates. For some reason, I never put it on a
different level than that of two friends. Perhaps I blocked it out of my mind,
even after they’d been seeing each other for two years. Maybe I didn’t want to
think of their relationship in any other way.
ANDREW As usual, my father
capitulated, but not without tremendous effort on my part. Another agreement
needed to be made - this one, between me and Doug. He had to agree to enter
therapy. He resisted mightily, but soon he realized that this was the only way
I would agree to move in with him.
And as it turned out, I had reason to be
concerned about the conflict living together might create. Our first three
months under the same roof were nearly our undoing. Like cats vying to mark our
territory, each decision about living space instigated a turf battle that called
for bared teeth and sharpened claws,
before pressing the point, but I was convinced that if the two of us had a
future, I needed to see if we were meant to spend our lives together, and
living under the same roof seemed the next logical step.
ANDREW Moving in together was
entirely Doug’s idea. Maybe I would have been ready six months, or even a year
later. But he wanted to do it too early, and I felt pressured. I was just
becoming accustomed to having someone sleep in the same bed with me and here he
was asking me to move in with him? In some ways, I saw advantages to living
together, after all, moving to a larger apartment, a one bedroom, was
appealing. Not only that, but I loved Doug. However, I found myself focusing on
reasons why it wasn’t a good idea. The biggest problem I had with Doug was the
way he handled conflict. I can recall countless times when he would explode
into a rage and storm out of my apartment. Conflicts would often go unresolved
leaving us both silently dissatisfied. I have to admit that there were many
times that I unnecessarily provoked him, criticizing him for his choice of
clothes or hairstyle, for example. In fact, this critical position was a norm
amongst me and my siblings, and I hadn’t given it much thought until Doug came
into my life.
After doing some research on the rental market,
Doug and I learned that the rent we would pay together for a small one bedroom
wouldn’t be any less than the sum of what we paid separately. In fact it would
probably be somewhere in the vicinity of fifty dollars more a month. We each
had very cheap, tiny studio apartments, but we knew we’d kill each other if we
had to occupy that small an area together. With a one bedroom, we would gain
more living space, but my father chastised “You’re supposed to save money if
you move in together, not spend more!”
I didn’t believe that fifty dollars a month
warranted repeated carping, but my need to seek his approval further fed my
ambivalence. And, while it’s true that at least one of my siblings received similar
financial support while seeking an advanced degree, that didn’t cancel out the
significant factor that he was still supporting me . So I was tied,
ultimately, to his final decision.
SHELDON I didn’t see anything
wrong with the two of them moving in together. In fact, I would encourage
anybody who is moving into a new environment to find a roommate. What I did
question was why Andrew wouldn’t see any savings in rent if he were to share an
apartment. It wasn’t that I discouraged him from moving in with Doug, I only
discouraged him from moving into a fancy place.
DOUG I could understand Sheldon’s
financial concern, theoretically. However, it sounded to me like he was
disturbed about something other than forty or fifty dollars a month. One phrase
of Sheldon’s that Andrew repeated to me struck a chord. “I can understand you
wanting companionship. But why do you have to live together?”
Was that a question you would ask a heterosexual
couple?
SHELDON I saw this as two people
moving in together, like roommates. For some reason, I never put it on a
different level than that of two friends. Perhaps I blocked it out of my mind,
even after they’d been seeing each other for two years. Maybe I didn’t want to
think of their relationship in any other way.
ANDREW As usual, my father
capitulated, but not without tremendous effort on my part. Another agreement
needed to be made - this one, between me and Doug. He had to agree to enter
therapy. He resisted mightily, but soon he realized that this was the only way
I would agree to move in with him.
And as it turned out, I had reason to be
concerned about the conflict living together might create. Our first three
months under the same roof were nearly our undoing. Like cats vying to mark our
territory, each decision about living space instigated a turf battle that called
for bared teeth and sharpened claws,
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