The Truth by Jeffry W. Johnston Page B

had to go in there. You had to push it—”
    â€œI’m going for a walk,” I announce, sidestepping her.
    â€œYou do that!” she snaps behind me as I head down the stairs, trying not to run but hurrying just the same as I head out the door.

20
    Now
    â€œWhy’d you stop?”
    I’m still in the moment. The look on Devon’s face. The disappointment in my mother’s eyes.
    â€œChris.”
    I had started walking in no particular direction, thinking maybe it was better if I didn’t come back. Mom and Devon both better off without me.
    â€œChris!”
    â€œI blew it,” I hear myself say.
    Derek hesitates. “Blew what?”
    â€œI thought I could be… I thought I could take care of him.”
    â€œDevon? Sounds to me like you’re doing a pretty good job.” He actually sounds sympathetic, which surprises me.
    â€œI don’t do enough. He needs…”
    â€œYour father?” Derek finishes for me.
    I take a deep breath and nod my head.
    â€œSounds to me like you’ve tried your best.”
    â€œBut it’s not enough . No matter what I do—”
    â€œYou’re not his father.”
    â€œI know that.”
    â€œDo you?”
    I look at him. “It’s my job.”
    â€œWhat does that mean?”
    â€œI have to protect him. Keep him safe. I’ve known that since Dad died. Mom said it herself. It was gonna be especially tough on Devon because he was only seven.”
    â€œYou don’t think she meant—”
    â€œBeing there for Devon was more important. It is more important!”
    â€œMore important than what?”
    I don’t say anything.
    After a moment, Derek says, “It sounds to me like your brother looks up to you. That he really loves you.”
    â€œI let him down.”
    â€œHow?”
    â€œI should never have gone downstairs. I should have just called the police right away. I could have been killed. And now he’s worried. Scared.”
    â€œOf what?”
    â€œIt happened to Dad. And it almost happened to me. Maybe he thinks it could happen to him . He’s only ten; he’s not supposed to worry about stuff like that. But maybe he’s right.”
    â€œRight about what?”
    â€œWhat do parents say? ‘Don’t worry. Nothing’s gonna happen.’ They promise that. But they can’t promise it. Nobody can. Because we don’t know. We can’t know. We can’t . How do I know my mom’s not gonna walk in front of a bus tomorrow? Or Devon? No matter what I do.”
    Derek seems about to say something more, but he hesitates and leans back instead. Neither of us says anything for what seems like a very long time.
    Why am I telling him this? What is he going to do with this information? What the hell does he want from me? I’m so tired of this, and, in some ways, I feel worse now than at any moment since I woke up here. Now I’m angry, and I’m wondering why he isn’t threatening me with the shears again.
    â€œWhat happened when you went back in the house?” he asks instead.
    Like he really cares.

21
    Then
    After going back inside, I find a note from Mom stuck to my bedroom door.
    I’m so sorry. If I’m asleep when you come in, wake me so we can talk.
    I glance inside her room. She’s lying in bed, mouth open, snoring quietly. I start to turn away, then notice the thin trail of smoke rising up from a dish next to her on the nightstand. I walk over and grind the cigarette into the plate.
    I decide to let her sleep. She has the right to lose control sometimes. It must be hard raising two sons without a husband. Devon seems to be asleep as well. From the dim light supplied by the hall bathroom, I see him lying on his side, eyes closed, his Phillies bedspread pulled up tight around him, the way he always does no matter what the room temperature.
    I turn away.
    â€œChris?”
    His voice is so soft I wonder