The Translation of Father Torturo

The Translation of Father Torturo by Brendan Connell Page B

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Authors: Brendan Connell
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any way relates to the election of the Roman Pontiff and regarding what occurs in the place of the election, directly or indirectly related to the results of the voting, we promise and swear not to break this secret in any way, either during or after the election of the new Pontiff, unless explicit authorisation is granted by the same Pontiff; and never to lend support or favour to any interference, opposition or any other form of intervention, whereby secular authorities of whatever order and degree or any group of people or individuals might wish to intervene in the election of the Roman Pontiff.”
    Each Cardinal elector, placing his hand on the gospel, intoned: “This I do pledge and swear; so help me God and these Holy Gospels which I touch with my hand.”
    Four cardinals were nominated: Cardinal Hernando Dominguez Hojeda, of Colombia, Francois Villefort, of France, Mark Stewart of the United States, and Xaverio Torturo of Italy. Measures were taken, though surreptitiously, to verify the sex of the candidates. All were recognised as being admissible males.
    The factions were clear and obvious:
    It was known that Cardinal Villefort had once made a statement, albeit at a private gathering, that Italian food was poison. Though this is a not an uncommon opinion amongst the French, it was an opinion he would have been wiser to keep to himself. Cardinals, like school girls, are prone to gossip. Villefort’s words reached the ears of O’Malley, who made sure to bandy them about to his Italian brethren. There are three things which every Italian holds sacred: Their religion, their mother, and their pasta. Needless to say Villefort’s culinary prejudice won him no points with the Italians. As they gathered for the conclave, there was not a one who did not swear they would be damned before they would place their vote with Villefort. Thanks to a number of behind the curtains meetings held by Zuccarelli, as well as a natural propensity to stand by their own, they were unanimously in favour of Torturo.
    The American, Cardinal Stewart, was much heralded as the best candidate for ‘the Pope of the new millennium;’ all the technological, financial and military advantages of his country being taken as the personal attributes of his character. The French particularly objected to Stewart on the grounds that his knowledge of scriptural matters was but rudimentary, the fellow not rightly understanding Latin liturgy, let alone Greek. The Germans and English however were all for the American, who they saw as one of their own. They defended him, saying that knowledge of Greek was hardly a requirement for the Supreme seat, taking the unfortunate example of Pope Alexander VI, who did not know a word of the language.
    “Furthermore,” Cardinal Hans Grünwald of Germany pointed out. “If we are going to be picky on these matters, let us not overlook the fact that the much respected South American candidate Cardinal Hojeda also does not have adept knowledge of the Greek tongue. It does not seem to me that a dead language should be a requirement for a living office.”
    As these arguments were being flung about, it naturally occurred that the qualifications of the fourth candidate, Cardinal Xaverio Torturo should be put under scrutiny. That he played a vital role in the reinstatement of the most holy relics of the holy saints was known by all, but, as he was somewhat of a new comer to the cardinalature, his history was vague. When it became known that, not only could he speak Latin like Tacitus and Greek like the Archangel Gabriel, but knew the good book in either language by rote, many undecided members of the conclave could not help but murmur their approval. The French were hushed; the Germans could hardly object.
    But, though the French had been bettered on matters of scholarship, the Americans, both South and North, had not been met with on the matter of spiritual qualifications.
    Stewart was a stupid man who lived his life according

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