home.â
âItâs OK, Iâm nearly sixteen,â I say, out of habit. People always think I look younger than I am. They should see Bindi â she still looks about twelve.
At the thought of my best friend, I find a rush of tears coming up from somewhere and I reach in my pocket for my phone.
âCan I call Bindi?â I say.
Dad nods.
âYouâre not to come with us, Lilah,â he says. âThis is for me and Mum to do on our own.â
Iâm too dazed to argue, so I just give him a nod back and then I go into the hallway and dial Bindiâs mobile, but itâs switched off, so I have to dial her landline instead.
âHello, love,â says Reeta. âSheâs just upstairs. Are you OK, Lilah? You sound very serious.â
I manage to squawk out a âYes, Iâm fine,â and then thereâs a pause, during which I can hear the blast of Asian Network getting nearer and nearer as Reetamoves upstairs with the phone, and then itâs turned down and Bindiâs soft voice comes onto the line. She already seems alarmed, because her mumâs obviously told her that I sound weird, and Bindi knows me really well so I donât have to say all that much.
I just say, âThey think theyâve found Jay. But itâs not good news. Can you come?â and she throws the phone down and is already on her way by the time I go back downstairs again, to where the policewoman is leading Mum and Dad towards the front door.
Mum comes back just as they are about to go.
She gives me the fiercest hug sheâs ever given me. It squeezes every bone and rib and muscle in my body and snatches my breath away.
âWeâll ring you,â she says. âStay here with Bindi. Stay
safe
, Lilah.â And they walk down the path behind the policewoman and get into the car in complete silence.
I watch them sitting stiff and upright in the back of the police car, not speaking, and then I listen to the sound of the car pulling away in the rain. The streets are all wet and shiny and thereâs a smell of damp grass in the air.
No stars out tonight, and no moon.
Just the clouds, moving in silence across the streetlights.
I turn and walk back inside the house. It already looks and smells different.
With no Jay and now no Mum and Dad, itâs a building sucked clean of family and warmth. A shell.
I sit on the stairs in the hall in the dark and Benjie comes and huddles next to me. I bury my head in his warm fur and wrap my arms over both of us to make a warm, dark burrow of dog and girl.
Five minutes later, Bindi rings the bell.
It feels like the longest night ever.
Mum rings me to say theyâve arrived and that theyâre going to be quite a while.
I donât ask any questions. Thatâs because I donât want to know the answers.
Instead, I let Bindi make me a mug of hot chocolate with loads of milk and sugar and we take it up to my room and sit on the bed for a while with the puppy, and she makes me tip all my jewelleryout on the duvet and tries to make me laugh by putting it on and making silly comments. I sort of go along with it and even laugh a real laugh at one point, and then Iâm tripped up with guilt for laughing when I know what Mum and Dad are going to have to do. I find that Iâm shaking like Iâve got the flu, so Bindi just creeps over to my side of the bed and hugs me until I stop, which is about ten minutes later, when Iâm exhausted and feel all cold and thin.
âDonât be nice to me,â I growl, in a more Lilah-like way. âIt might make me cry.â
Fat chance of that, but she knows what I mean.
Bindi switches Planet Rock on and finds some good heavy metal music, and demands that I show her how to head-bang so I do. For a moment it feels good to thrash about to the hard beat of the music, and a little part of me thinks that Jay might actually be watching me from somewhere and grinning at me, like he
âItâs OK, Iâm nearly sixteen,â I say, out of habit. People always think I look younger than I am. They should see Bindi â she still looks about twelve.
At the thought of my best friend, I find a rush of tears coming up from somewhere and I reach in my pocket for my phone.
âCan I call Bindi?â I say.
Dad nods.
âYouâre not to come with us, Lilah,â he says. âThis is for me and Mum to do on our own.â
Iâm too dazed to argue, so I just give him a nod back and then I go into the hallway and dial Bindiâs mobile, but itâs switched off, so I have to dial her landline instead.
âHello, love,â says Reeta. âSheâs just upstairs. Are you OK, Lilah? You sound very serious.â
I manage to squawk out a âYes, Iâm fine,â and then thereâs a pause, during which I can hear the blast of Asian Network getting nearer and nearer as Reetamoves upstairs with the phone, and then itâs turned down and Bindiâs soft voice comes onto the line. She already seems alarmed, because her mumâs obviously told her that I sound weird, and Bindi knows me really well so I donât have to say all that much.
I just say, âThey think theyâve found Jay. But itâs not good news. Can you come?â and she throws the phone down and is already on her way by the time I go back downstairs again, to where the policewoman is leading Mum and Dad towards the front door.
Mum comes back just as they are about to go.
She gives me the fiercest hug sheâs ever given me. It squeezes every bone and rib and muscle in my body and snatches my breath away.
âWeâll ring you,â she says. âStay here with Bindi. Stay
safe
, Lilah.â And they walk down the path behind the policewoman and get into the car in complete silence.
I watch them sitting stiff and upright in the back of the police car, not speaking, and then I listen to the sound of the car pulling away in the rain. The streets are all wet and shiny and thereâs a smell of damp grass in the air.
No stars out tonight, and no moon.
Just the clouds, moving in silence across the streetlights.
I turn and walk back inside the house. It already looks and smells different.
With no Jay and now no Mum and Dad, itâs a building sucked clean of family and warmth. A shell.
I sit on the stairs in the hall in the dark and Benjie comes and huddles next to me. I bury my head in his warm fur and wrap my arms over both of us to make a warm, dark burrow of dog and girl.
Five minutes later, Bindi rings the bell.
It feels like the longest night ever.
Mum rings me to say theyâve arrived and that theyâre going to be quite a while.
I donât ask any questions. Thatâs because I donât want to know the answers.
Instead, I let Bindi make me a mug of hot chocolate with loads of milk and sugar and we take it up to my room and sit on the bed for a while with the puppy, and she makes me tip all my jewelleryout on the duvet and tries to make me laugh by putting it on and making silly comments. I sort of go along with it and even laugh a real laugh at one point, and then Iâm tripped up with guilt for laughing when I know what Mum and Dad are going to have to do. I find that Iâm shaking like Iâve got the flu, so Bindi just creeps over to my side of the bed and hugs me until I stop, which is about ten minutes later, when Iâm exhausted and feel all cold and thin.
âDonât be nice to me,â I growl, in a more Lilah-like way. âIt might make me cry.â
Fat chance of that, but she knows what I mean.
Bindi switches Planet Rock on and finds some good heavy metal music, and demands that I show her how to head-bang so I do. For a moment it feels good to thrash about to the hard beat of the music, and a little part of me thinks that Jay might actually be watching me from somewhere and grinning at me, like he
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