to be known and looked at, poked and prodded, in only a moment?
“I told you this dress was foolish,” Doris grumbles. “It’s so hard to get out of.”
Finally it’s done, and I am swathed in the white canvas and resemble a perambulating pup-tent.
“I don’t care for these things. My, I do look a sight, don’t I?”
But laughter is only a thin cloak for my shame. Hippocrates’ suave descendant returns, with his voice of careful balm.
“Fine, fine. That’s fine, Mrs. Shipley. Now, if you’d just get up on the examining table. Here, let the nurse help you. There. That’s just fine. Now, a deep breath—”
At last it’s over, his coldly intimate touch, Doris andthe nurse pretending not to look, I grunting like a constipated cow in a disgust as pure as hatred.
“I think we should have some X rays,” he says to Doris. “I’ll make the appointments for you. Would Thursday be all right, for a start?”
“Yes, yes, of course. Which X rays, Doctor Corby?”
“We’d be safest to do three, I think. Kidneys, of course, and gall bladder, and the stomach. I hope she’ll be able to keep the barium down.”
“Barium? Barium? What’s that?” my voice erupts like a burst boil.
Doctor Corby smiles. “Only something you have to drink for this particular X ray. It’s rather like a milk shake.”
The liar. I know it’ll be like poison.
On the way home, the bus is packed. A teenage girl in a white and green striped dress, a girl green and tender as new Swiss chard, rises and gives me her seat. How very kind of her. I can scarcely nod my thanks, fearing she’ll see my unseemly tears. And once again it seems an oddity, that I should have remained unweeping over my dead men and now possess two deep salt springs in my face over such a triviality as this. There’s no explaining it.
I sit rigid and immovable, looking neither to right nor left, like one of those plaster-of-Paris figures the dime stores sell.
“We thought we’d go for a drive after supper,” Doris says. “Would you like that?”
“Where to?”
“Oh, just out in the country.”
I nod, but my mind’s not on it. I’m really thinking of the things not settled. How hard it is to concentrate on prime matters. Something is forever intruding. I’ve neverhad a moment to myself, that’s been my trouble. Can God be One and watching? I see Him clad in immaculate radiance, a short white jacket and a smile white and creamy as zinc-oxide ointment, focussing His cosmic and comic glass eye on this and that, as the fancy takes Him. Or no—He’s many-headed, and all the heads argue at once, a squabbling committee. But I can’t concentrate, for I’m wondering really what barium is, and how it tastes, and if it’ll make me sick.
“You’ll come along, then?” Doris is saying.
“Eh? Come where?”
“For a drive. I said we thought we’d take a drive after supper.”
“Yes, yes. Of course I’ll come. Why do you harp on it so? I said I’d come.”
“No, you never. I only wanted to make sure. Marv just hates plans to be changed at the last minute.”
“Oh, for mercy’s sake. Nobody’s changing plans. What’re you talking about?”
She looks out the window and whispers to herself, thinking I can’t hear.
“Prob’ly forget by supper, and we shan’t go again.”
After supper they baggage me into the car and off we go. I ride in the back seat alone. Bundled around with a packing of puffy pillows, I am held securely like an egg in a crate. I am pleased nonetheless to be going for a drive. Marvin is usually too tired after work. It is a fine evening, cool and bright. The mountains are so clear, the near ones sharp and blue as eyes or jay feathers, the further ones fading to cloudy purple, the ghosts of mountains.
All would be lovely, all would be calm, except for Doris’s voice squeaking like a breathless mouse. She has to explain the sights. Perhaps she believes me blind.
“My, doesn’t everything look green?” she
“I told you this dress was foolish,” Doris grumbles. “It’s so hard to get out of.”
Finally it’s done, and I am swathed in the white canvas and resemble a perambulating pup-tent.
“I don’t care for these things. My, I do look a sight, don’t I?”
But laughter is only a thin cloak for my shame. Hippocrates’ suave descendant returns, with his voice of careful balm.
“Fine, fine. That’s fine, Mrs. Shipley. Now, if you’d just get up on the examining table. Here, let the nurse help you. There. That’s just fine. Now, a deep breath—”
At last it’s over, his coldly intimate touch, Doris andthe nurse pretending not to look, I grunting like a constipated cow in a disgust as pure as hatred.
“I think we should have some X rays,” he says to Doris. “I’ll make the appointments for you. Would Thursday be all right, for a start?”
“Yes, yes, of course. Which X rays, Doctor Corby?”
“We’d be safest to do three, I think. Kidneys, of course, and gall bladder, and the stomach. I hope she’ll be able to keep the barium down.”
“Barium? Barium? What’s that?” my voice erupts like a burst boil.
Doctor Corby smiles. “Only something you have to drink for this particular X ray. It’s rather like a milk shake.”
The liar. I know it’ll be like poison.
On the way home, the bus is packed. A teenage girl in a white and green striped dress, a girl green and tender as new Swiss chard, rises and gives me her seat. How very kind of her. I can scarcely nod my thanks, fearing she’ll see my unseemly tears. And once again it seems an oddity, that I should have remained unweeping over my dead men and now possess two deep salt springs in my face over such a triviality as this. There’s no explaining it.
I sit rigid and immovable, looking neither to right nor left, like one of those plaster-of-Paris figures the dime stores sell.
“We thought we’d go for a drive after supper,” Doris says. “Would you like that?”
“Where to?”
“Oh, just out in the country.”
I nod, but my mind’s not on it. I’m really thinking of the things not settled. How hard it is to concentrate on prime matters. Something is forever intruding. I’ve neverhad a moment to myself, that’s been my trouble. Can God be One and watching? I see Him clad in immaculate radiance, a short white jacket and a smile white and creamy as zinc-oxide ointment, focussing His cosmic and comic glass eye on this and that, as the fancy takes Him. Or no—He’s many-headed, and all the heads argue at once, a squabbling committee. But I can’t concentrate, for I’m wondering really what barium is, and how it tastes, and if it’ll make me sick.
“You’ll come along, then?” Doris is saying.
“Eh? Come where?”
“For a drive. I said we thought we’d take a drive after supper.”
“Yes, yes. Of course I’ll come. Why do you harp on it so? I said I’d come.”
“No, you never. I only wanted to make sure. Marv just hates plans to be changed at the last minute.”
“Oh, for mercy’s sake. Nobody’s changing plans. What’re you talking about?”
She looks out the window and whispers to herself, thinking I can’t hear.
“Prob’ly forget by supper, and we shan’t go again.”
After supper they baggage me into the car and off we go. I ride in the back seat alone. Bundled around with a packing of puffy pillows, I am held securely like an egg in a crate. I am pleased nonetheless to be going for a drive. Marvin is usually too tired after work. It is a fine evening, cool and bright. The mountains are so clear, the near ones sharp and blue as eyes or jay feathers, the further ones fading to cloudy purple, the ghosts of mountains.
All would be lovely, all would be calm, except for Doris’s voice squeaking like a breathless mouse. She has to explain the sights. Perhaps she believes me blind.
“My, doesn’t everything look green?” she
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