to more clapping; the students grabbed glasses from the big cupboard and the staff ran around filling them up.
‘OK. Is everybody ready?’
‘Yes.’
‘Let’s hear it more loudly. Are you ready?’
‘Yes,’ they shouted.
‘Then I’ll begin.’ She pulled Amiss’s arm around her waist; he made a valiant effort to look as if he were having a wonderful time. It was not that there was anything wrong with the girl; indeed she was very pretty. It was just that his idea of fun was not feeling up near-naked women in public while clad in a lightweight woollen suit of Ellis Pooley’s.
‘Hi there, Bob,
You ain’t no slob.
You’re pretty cute,
For a new recruit.
Come on teacher,
Don’t be a preacher.
Get off your ass
And lift that glass.’
Glasses were thrust into their hands and the girl raised hers and cried, ‘Happy Birthday!’
‘Happy Birthday!’ shouted the onlookers. Unclear about what he was expected to do next, Amiss kissed her with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Led by Gavs, the audience broke into a ragged version of ‘Happy Birthday to You’, Amiss bowed his thanks and the show was over. People began to chat amongst themselves.
Amiss politely helped the girl on with her tunic and faded away as Ahmed came oiling up to her. He imagined she could look after herself. He joined Cath at the window. ‘You did well,’ she said, ‘it must have been hell.’
‘It was.’
‘I’m grateful no one’s tried anything like that on me. I’ve no idea what they do for women, but I’m sure I wouldn’t like it.’
‘I’m sure you wouldn’t. I believe they have Tarzanagrams.’
‘But it could have been much worse. We had one here once in leather and a whip who required the birthday boy to take off his trousers so she could pin his poem to his underpants.’
‘Oh, God. What’s the acme of these things. A Screwagram?’
‘I shouldn’t wonder.’
‘Anyway, look, Cath. This isn’t my birthday. That was weeks ago.’
She looked puzzled. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Me neither. I’ll find out,’ and he called Fabrice over to join them.
‘Is this a present from the group?’
‘Yes. The idea it come from Ahmed. He very very much wish to see one of these girls.’
‘But what made him think it was my birthday?’
‘No, no. That is joke. At lunch yesterday you have said you are Gemini. Now we are in Gemini. Ahmed says that is enough cause. It is as the Queen and her birthday. This is your official birthday.’
‘I see. Well, it’s very kind of you all; I very much appreciate it.’ Amiss gritted his teeth and set off to thank his group individually.
He was given another present at lunchtime. This too had been Ahmed’s brainwave, and had been bought by him the day before, after he had left them in the gallery. It was a cigarette-pack holder made of blue leather with ‘Bob’ stamped on it in gold; in a slot at the back was a matching lighter. As Rachel pointed out later, he was lucky to have escaped the matching handbag.
‘Phone call for Bob!’ Jenn’s shout carried through the building. It was four forty-five.
‘Shall we stop now? Take the last fifteen minutes off as a holiday in honour of my birthday.’
Much laughter.
‘I’ll see you all on Monday. Have a nice weekend.’
‘You also.’
‘And thanks again for the presents.’
More laughter.
Amiss ran down to the office phone. ‘Ellis?’
‘His blood alcohol level was a hundred and twenty, a level at which you’re supposed to be five times more likely to have an accident.’
‘Shit!’
‘So if you’re right about his never drinking, someone must have spiked his fruit juice at the party.’
‘Fuck!’
‘Of course, we don’t know officially that he didn’t drink. That will have to emerge from routine inquiries next week. So it’s not a murder case yet.’
‘Bugger!’
‘Obviously we can’t talk now.’
‘Well, there’s tomorrow evening.’
‘I’m awfully sorry, Robert, but I’m going to
‘OK. Is everybody ready?’
‘Yes.’
‘Let’s hear it more loudly. Are you ready?’
‘Yes,’ they shouted.
‘Then I’ll begin.’ She pulled Amiss’s arm around her waist; he made a valiant effort to look as if he were having a wonderful time. It was not that there was anything wrong with the girl; indeed she was very pretty. It was just that his idea of fun was not feeling up near-naked women in public while clad in a lightweight woollen suit of Ellis Pooley’s.
‘Hi there, Bob,
You ain’t no slob.
You’re pretty cute,
For a new recruit.
Come on teacher,
Don’t be a preacher.
Get off your ass
And lift that glass.’
Glasses were thrust into their hands and the girl raised hers and cried, ‘Happy Birthday!’
‘Happy Birthday!’ shouted the onlookers. Unclear about what he was expected to do next, Amiss kissed her with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Led by Gavs, the audience broke into a ragged version of ‘Happy Birthday to You’, Amiss bowed his thanks and the show was over. People began to chat amongst themselves.
Amiss politely helped the girl on with her tunic and faded away as Ahmed came oiling up to her. He imagined she could look after herself. He joined Cath at the window. ‘You did well,’ she said, ‘it must have been hell.’
‘It was.’
‘I’m grateful no one’s tried anything like that on me. I’ve no idea what they do for women, but I’m sure I wouldn’t like it.’
‘I’m sure you wouldn’t. I believe they have Tarzanagrams.’
‘But it could have been much worse. We had one here once in leather and a whip who required the birthday boy to take off his trousers so she could pin his poem to his underpants.’
‘Oh, God. What’s the acme of these things. A Screwagram?’
‘I shouldn’t wonder.’
‘Anyway, look, Cath. This isn’t my birthday. That was weeks ago.’
She looked puzzled. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Me neither. I’ll find out,’ and he called Fabrice over to join them.
‘Is this a present from the group?’
‘Yes. The idea it come from Ahmed. He very very much wish to see one of these girls.’
‘But what made him think it was my birthday?’
‘No, no. That is joke. At lunch yesterday you have said you are Gemini. Now we are in Gemini. Ahmed says that is enough cause. It is as the Queen and her birthday. This is your official birthday.’
‘I see. Well, it’s very kind of you all; I very much appreciate it.’ Amiss gritted his teeth and set off to thank his group individually.
He was given another present at lunchtime. This too had been Ahmed’s brainwave, and had been bought by him the day before, after he had left them in the gallery. It was a cigarette-pack holder made of blue leather with ‘Bob’ stamped on it in gold; in a slot at the back was a matching lighter. As Rachel pointed out later, he was lucky to have escaped the matching handbag.
‘Phone call for Bob!’ Jenn’s shout carried through the building. It was four forty-five.
‘Shall we stop now? Take the last fifteen minutes off as a holiday in honour of my birthday.’
Much laughter.
‘I’ll see you all on Monday. Have a nice weekend.’
‘You also.’
‘And thanks again for the presents.’
More laughter.
Amiss ran down to the office phone. ‘Ellis?’
‘His blood alcohol level was a hundred and twenty, a level at which you’re supposed to be five times more likely to have an accident.’
‘Shit!’
‘So if you’re right about his never drinking, someone must have spiked his fruit juice at the party.’
‘Fuck!’
‘Of course, we don’t know officially that he didn’t drink. That will have to emerge from routine inquiries next week. So it’s not a murder case yet.’
‘Bugger!’
‘Obviously we can’t talk now.’
‘Well, there’s tomorrow evening.’
‘I’m awfully sorry, Robert, but I’m going to
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