as they tossed them into the earth, heard Camillia’s heartbroken sobs, heard Patterson’s agonized groaning sound, and the silence that had seemed to steal the voices of the others. I clenched my teeth and clutched Kayden, my body shaking and shivering. His hands stroked my hair, his arms held me tight. And I cried. And like always, I hated it.
I didn’t remove myself from Kayden until he leaned down and whispered, “It’s done, Alexa.”
I took a slow step back and looked to my left, my hands still wrapped around the fabric of Kayden’s shirt. There, the earth was turned fresh and brown, and flowers that the others must have placed lie scattered over the two graves. There, my Mother would sleep for the rest of eternity. I felt as if by digging these holes, I had punched a hole inside of me, a hole that couldn’t so simply be filled in, a hole that could never be filled in.
And Nelly was gone, too.
But her we can save, Warrior. Her we can save.
For once, I welcomed the input of my Monster. If there was any part of me that could fight my way through this, it was the part of me that understood death, knew it intimately. It was a part of my life so great that I may as well befriend it; make peace with it, because as broken as I felt right then, I knew in my gut that the future only held worse.
And we will stand, Warrior. We will survive.
“Yes,” I thought. “As long as there is Nelly.”
Yes, as long as there is Nelly.
Slowly, the others began to drift back toward the cars. Patterson had left without my noticing. Camillia stayed the longest, kneeling by her niece’s grave and muttering words I couldn’t make out. Eventually, even she left, and then it was just me and Kayden.
He had his arm around my shoulder still, and when his calloused fingers brushed my wet cheek, I turned to look at him. “Do you want me to give you a moment?” he asked.
I shook my head, clinging to the gold in his gaze like a life-preserver. “No,” I said, my voice cracking. “Would you stay, please? I-I don’t know…how to do this.”
Kayden nodded, took my hand, and led me over to my Mother’s grave. We knelt down together, and I closed my eyes wishing for this nightmare to be over. I knew I should say something, but I couldn’t seem to find the words.
When Kayden began humming softly, his deep voice vibrating in his chest, I fell into his arms again. He rocked me gently back and forth, his voice carrying sweetly, lovely. Kayden was a man of few words, had been as long as I knew him, which wasn’t really very long, but felt like forever to me. It was a quality I’d come to admire in him, because I could never seem to keep my mouth shut. But it was a shame, really, because a voice such as his was like angels’ music. It was even more so when he hummed. I closed my eyes, lulled by the rhythm of his song, which I realized that I recognized. Danny Boy.
As Kayden’s low, deep voice carried the tune, the only words I knew to the song played out in my head, like whispers from the dead. But it was the voice of my Monster which sang the words.
Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. From glen to glen, and down the mountain side. The summer’s gone, and all the flowers are dying. ‘Tis you, ‘tis you must go and I must bide.
Now I sobbed, my breath hiccupping and catching. Kayden continued on with his hummed eulogy, and I let what seemed like so much hurt pour out of me in salt water and sobs. In all my days my chest had never felt so tight or my gut so wrenched. I wasn’t sure that I had ever allowed myself to show so much emotion like this. And I was ashamed to have Kayden here with me, witnessing it, but the thought of having him go was even worse.
Kayden ended the song, gently, his already barely audible tone fading out until it was gone. Then we sat in silence, and I knew it was my turn to say something. It didn’t even matter what, just
I didn’t remove myself from Kayden until he leaned down and whispered, “It’s done, Alexa.”
I took a slow step back and looked to my left, my hands still wrapped around the fabric of Kayden’s shirt. There, the earth was turned fresh and brown, and flowers that the others must have placed lie scattered over the two graves. There, my Mother would sleep for the rest of eternity. I felt as if by digging these holes, I had punched a hole inside of me, a hole that couldn’t so simply be filled in, a hole that could never be filled in.
And Nelly was gone, too.
But her we can save, Warrior. Her we can save.
For once, I welcomed the input of my Monster. If there was any part of me that could fight my way through this, it was the part of me that understood death, knew it intimately. It was a part of my life so great that I may as well befriend it; make peace with it, because as broken as I felt right then, I knew in my gut that the future only held worse.
And we will stand, Warrior. We will survive.
“Yes,” I thought. “As long as there is Nelly.”
Yes, as long as there is Nelly.
Slowly, the others began to drift back toward the cars. Patterson had left without my noticing. Camillia stayed the longest, kneeling by her niece’s grave and muttering words I couldn’t make out. Eventually, even she left, and then it was just me and Kayden.
He had his arm around my shoulder still, and when his calloused fingers brushed my wet cheek, I turned to look at him. “Do you want me to give you a moment?” he asked.
I shook my head, clinging to the gold in his gaze like a life-preserver. “No,” I said, my voice cracking. “Would you stay, please? I-I don’t know…how to do this.”
Kayden nodded, took my hand, and led me over to my Mother’s grave. We knelt down together, and I closed my eyes wishing for this nightmare to be over. I knew I should say something, but I couldn’t seem to find the words.
When Kayden began humming softly, his deep voice vibrating in his chest, I fell into his arms again. He rocked me gently back and forth, his voice carrying sweetly, lovely. Kayden was a man of few words, had been as long as I knew him, which wasn’t really very long, but felt like forever to me. It was a quality I’d come to admire in him, because I could never seem to keep my mouth shut. But it was a shame, really, because a voice such as his was like angels’ music. It was even more so when he hummed. I closed my eyes, lulled by the rhythm of his song, which I realized that I recognized. Danny Boy.
As Kayden’s low, deep voice carried the tune, the only words I knew to the song played out in my head, like whispers from the dead. But it was the voice of my Monster which sang the words.
Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. From glen to glen, and down the mountain side. The summer’s gone, and all the flowers are dying. ‘Tis you, ‘tis you must go and I must bide.
Now I sobbed, my breath hiccupping and catching. Kayden continued on with his hummed eulogy, and I let what seemed like so much hurt pour out of me in salt water and sobs. In all my days my chest had never felt so tight or my gut so wrenched. I wasn’t sure that I had ever allowed myself to show so much emotion like this. And I was ashamed to have Kayden here with me, witnessing it, but the thought of having him go was even worse.
Kayden ended the song, gently, his already barely audible tone fading out until it was gone. Then we sat in silence, and I knew it was my turn to say something. It didn’t even matter what, just
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