The Rendezvous by Evelyn Anthony Page B

difficulties you used to have,’ Kaplan said. ‘But, honey, you haven’t been to see me professionally for something like ten years. Maybe more. I’ve always understood from Bob that everything was fine between you.’
    â€˜That’s what I’ve tried to make him think,’ she said. ‘Joe, I’m frigid. I’ve never been able to let go with him, love him properly. I’ve never been able to really respond and lose myself. But I’ve pretended to, because I couldn’t bear to keep on hurting him. I never had a baby for him, that was bad enough. I couldn’t go on letting him know that making love to him meant nothing to me. I’d stopped hating it and being afraid, but that was all. Otherwise nothing.’
    â€˜I’m sorry,’ he said gently. He was not surprised by what she told him. It was natural to expect a degree of subconscious revulsion against the sexual act after the horrible parody of it she had suffered during one stage of her interrogation. He could only imagine what forms it might have taken, but the early attempts to probe into her experiences had revealed a definite sexual association in her mind and he had assumed that it was some kind of torture. Whatever it was it was lost, along with all the rest, and it could never be dug up and exorcised.
    â€˜I think you’ve done the right thing,’ he said. ‘You’ve made a good adjustment. As for pretending with Bob – well, that’s loving him, isn’t it, in a different way? Loving a person is making them happy, Terese, and that’s what you’re trying to do. Is that what you’re worried about?’
    â€˜No.’ She took some moments to light a cigarette, and knowing the value of these kind of pauses, Kaplan let her take her time.
    â€˜I’ve always believed I was incapable of love. I thought I was just one of thousands of women who didn’t like sex, and couldn’t ever feel anything. I’d accepted that, Joe. But it’s not true, and that’s why I’m here. I’m falling in love with someone else. Really in love with them.’
    She looked up at him. ‘I mustn’t let it happen. I won’t let it happen because of Bob. I’ve come to you because you’re the only person in the world I’d trust. I want you to tell me what to do.’
    â€˜Could you tell me,’ he said after a moment, ‘what you mean by falling in love? Really in love, you said. What does this mean exactly?’
    â€˜It means that I’ve met a man I want to sleep with,’ she answered almost angrily. ‘It means the same for me as for anyone else. For the first time in my life I want to do the normal things, I want him to kiss me, touch me. When I’m near him I feel it so much I’m afraid it’ll show to Bob, to everyone who sees us. And it’s not only that. That’s bad enough. But if it was only just wanting to make love with him I could fight it by feeling ashamed of myself. But it’s more, Joe, it’s worse.’
    â€˜How much worse? In what way?’ He kept his eyes off her deliberately; he kept his voice level and unsurprised.
    â€˜I like him,’ Terese said. ‘I like being with him; I feel so at ease, there’s something so familiar about him – it’s as if I’ve always known him. I mean it, Joe. I’m in love with him.’
    â€˜How often have you been together?’
    â€˜Oh, about a dozen times – alone I mean. We meet a lot socially now too.’
    â€˜Has he tried to make love to you?’
    â€˜No,’ she said, ‘but he wants to; I can feel it. All we’ve done is have lunch together; or go to an art gallery a couple of times. Once I stood him up – I was afraid of what might happen, I was trying to escape. He just waited outside the apartment for me to come out and then I went and had a drink with him anyway. Nothing’s happened