The Realm of Possibility

The Realm of Possibility by David Levithan

Book: The Realm of Possibility by David Levithan Read Free Book Online
Authors: David Levithan
I asked
When you're sleeping
alone, do you wish she was there to touch?

And she said,
And I said,
There you go,
as if
those feelings were already taking her to the destination.
    She didn't nod, didn't shake her head. Just looked out
the windshield. And I realized she hadn't needed me
to take her to a sex shop. This wasn't about sex,
but its complications. Our lives were taking
our friendship into a new territory.
    So I told her that even though Anne and I really liked sex,
that even though we were learning each other's bodies
like they were our own, there was always a moment—
sometimes many—when I was scared that the desire
would reach its limit, that I would do or say the wrong thing,
that I was making myself vulnerably naked,
that my thoughts and hers would end up being opposites.
    Then the fear would step back and I would feel
the hundreds of places where our skin was touching
and I would know that this was the sensation,
the metaphor for all the thoughts underneath.
I told Meg to remember this.
And I found myself telling her that the amazing thing
about seeing a woman naked is how open her body is,
how you can see right inside her. And it's astonishing
and complicated and intimidating and incredible.
All those layers to feel, to read. You look there
and you feel like you're knowing something,
even if you're not really sure what it is.
    I don't know if this made her feel better
or just made her feel weird. We sat for a second
in silence, feeling Anne and Diana in the backseat
of our minds. Then she said
and started to
hug me. And I hugged her back.
    What must we have looked like to someone
driving into the Lovely Pleasures parking lot?
Some guy and girl making out. When really we
were just a guy and a girl trying to make it through
our experimentations, trying to find the right balance
between love, sex, and the rest of it. Preparing for
our naked lives.

    How to Be Alone
    Remember that at any given moment
There are a thousand things
You can love
    I had boyfriends non-stop
Since Greg Foster in fourth grade
I could only see myself through their eyes
    The Last Breakup
    Erased by the sex
Playing the role, badly
I was tired
    What I Love (Three Examples)
Being myself
Being by myself
Flirting without consequences
    What I Learned
    The well-documented difference
Between alone and lonely
The comfort of knowing
    What I need, baby, I got it
I used to define myself by the enthusiasm of kisses
Their enthusiasm, not mine
    I only had one priority, then
Now I don't count them
I call my friends instead, talk about stupid fun things
    A Cue from Nature
    Run outside during a thunderstorm
That downpour, that conquered hesitation, that exhilaration
That's what unlonely is like
    The Discovery
    This is what my voice sounds like
I don't need to be talking to someone else
To hear it

    At ten in the morning on a Saturday
Jed shows up at my bedroom door and says
    Let's go on an escapade.
    My parents have let him in
so he can take me
wherever we want to go.
    I get dressed and put on my shoes.
    I'm no dummy.
    Where shall we gallivant? he asks.
    These words are our thing.
    Enrapture me with some possibilities , I reply.
    He smiles.
    We can promenade, dither, roustabout, effervesce, or spiral.
    I tell him I'll do anything but spiral.
spiraling is what I do without Jed.
although the spiraling I do isn't really a spiral.
it only goes in
    Jed says we'll promenade, and I make sure I have the right shoes for it.
pink sneakers, yellow laces.
    He whistles his appreciation.
    I have no idea how he knows when I need him. We can go weeks without speaking, and then, when my blue moods threaten to turn black, he will show up and tell me my moods are
    and suddenly the blue will not seem so dark, more like the color of a noon-bright sky.
    He brings the sun.
    We drive past the mall, past the video store, past the TGI Friday's
past the

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