The Ramen King and I by Andy Raskin Page B

shoulders was typing on a laptop. Matt must have sensed I was afraid she would overhear us.
    “Don’t worry about her,” he said. “She’s probably absorbed in her own problems.”
    “OK.” I was still uncomfortable.
    “So tell me why you’re here.”
    I tried to summarize everything about Amanda and Kim and Maureen and Harue and how I felt so alone, but I didn’t think I was making much sense.
    “I can relate to that,” Matt said.
    “You can?”
    “Listen, I was alone for most of my life. And I hurt a lot of people. I’m not proud of that.”
    “How did you change?”
    “We’re talking about you today. I’ll be your mentor. But you’ll have to do some things that I ask.”
    A few nights earlier, I had watched a movie called Samurai Trilogy I: Musashi Miyamoto . I had never watched a samurai movie in my life, and the only reason I watched this one was that it had popped up in the “Movies You’ll ♥” list on my video rental store’s Web site. The main character is a young man named Takezo, played by Toshiro Mifune. He’s a fearsome but unruly warrior with little connection to those around him. His fellow villagers become convinced he’s a menace, so they hunt him in the forest, rounding up his relatives so he’ll turn himself in. But before the villagers find Takezo, a Buddhist priest builds a fire in the woods and cooks a hearty stew, luring Takezo with the aroma of a hot meal.
    Priest: How’s the food?
    Takezo: ( devouring the stew ) Why did you come?
    Priest: To capture you, of course. How about it? If you give yourself up to a priest, they’ll probably treat you like a human being.
    Takezo: No way!
    Priest: Son, do you think you can win like this?
    Takezo: Of course!
    Priest: ( chuckling ) You’re going to defeat everyone, even yourself. Is that it?
    Takezo: I’m not afraid to die! As long as I take some of them with me.
    Priest: What about your relatives? They’re suffering because of you.
    Takezo: Let them die!
    Priest: What about the beautiful women?
    Takezo: I don’t care!
    Priest: And their little children?
    Takezo: Shut up! I don’t care! Let them die . . . ( bawls )
    Priest: ( whipping Takezo ) You idiot! I beat you with the hand of your ancestors!
    The priest ties up Takezo with some rope. Then he walks Takezo back to his temple and throws the rope over a high tree branch, hoisting Takezo in the air so that he’s dangling, bound around his chest, from the tree. Takezo hangs there, alive, for several days.
    I asked Matt, “What kinds of things?”
    “First,” he said, “you’ll have to stop dating for a while.”
    I wondered what he meant by “a while.”
    “No dates and no sex for ninety days.”
    I thought about Matt’s request. In my adult life, barely a day had gone by in which I wasn’t in—or in pursuit of—a romantic relationship. Three months seemed like an eternity. I could not imagine it.
    “Are you kidding?”
    “You can probably find another mentor who won’t demand this of you,” Matt said.
    A beautiful woman named Otsu takes pity on Takezo, releasing him from the tree. She helps him escape, so the villagers capture her as bait. Thinking she’s being held in a castle, Takezo scales the castle wall searching for her. The priest, spotting Takezo on the wall, offers to lead him to Otsu. But instead, the priest guides Takezo to a small room filled with books; as soon as Takezo enters, the priest slams and locks the door, making Takezo his prisoner.
    Priest: ( speaking from behind the door ) Takezo, in this room, you will become a new man.
    Takezo: No! Get me out of here!
    Priest: Otsu will wait for as many years as it takes. In this room, there are many things for you to learn. When you have mastered them, we shall speak again. I leave you, wild fool!
    Three years later, Takezo emerges from the castle as a noble samurai warrior named Musashi Miyamoto.
    “OK, I’ll do it,” I said.
    Matt gave me his phone number.
    “Call me at least once every day.