Artois laughed at everything, as I wanted to, and I was certain we were going to be friends. Then I danced with young Chartres, the son of the Due d’Orieans, whom I did not like at all. He was gracious but his cold eyes reminded me of a snake. It was my first close contact’ with him, and I wondered whether I had a premonition on that night, and that something warned me that he was going to be our enemy.
These people were so different from my own, and however much they dressed me in French clothes, whatever French manners and customs I adopted, I would always be
Austrian. We were unsubtle, more natural, uncultured peraps; we might seem crude in comparison; we were not witty; but we were easy to understand. We said what we meant and we did not hide our true feelings under a mound of etiquette. Everywhere there was etiquette. I was being suffocated by it. I wanted to scream out that I was tired of it; I wanted to kick it aside, to laugh at it; and to tell them that if they wanted it they could have it, but to leave me out of it.
How could I know that that ball at which I had enjoyed dancing so much with Artois and even with my own awkward husband, was a dismal failure, and that I was blamed for it. My relations had spoilt it.
Little Lorraine was more important than Orleans and Conde because of me. They had been mortally insulted and I should never be forgiven.
They made up their minds on that night that they would be no friends to me, although whenever we met afterwards they gave no sign. But they were not showing affection to me, they were only paying homage to the Dauphine of France. What a little fool I was! And there was no one to help me except Mercy, whom I tried to avoid, and my mother, who was miles away. I was alone and walking blindly into danger, only like everything French it did not seem like danger at this stage;
and I did not know that what looked like soft green grass was really a quagmire . not until I was deep in it and could not extricate myself. A clever woman might have found it difficult to act wisely in such a Court. What hope had a frivolous, ignorant young girl?
It was some weeks after my wedding, and in all that time my husband had only spoken a few sentences to me. Whenever I saw the King he was so charming to me that I forgot what Mercy and the aunts had told me.
I believed that he loved me; I even called him Papa, for I said that Grandfather sounded too old for him. There had been so many fetes and balls that I had forgotten my fears. My brother-in-law Artois was constantly in my company; I had paid several visits to the aunts; I had forgotten my previous uneasiness;
perhaps I did not want to think of it. It was much more i 76 fun to be gay and believe everyone loved me and that I was a great success.
Madame Adelaide was taking me to see the fireworks, and I was going incognito to Paris because my official entry into the capital must, of course, be a ceremonious one. I had so longed to see the fireworks and Adelaide, always ready to enter into a conspiracy, declared she would take me. I thought wistfully that my husband might have taken me. What fun it would have been if he were as gay as Artois and we had disguised ourselves and driven there together. But he was either hunting or with the locksmith; the King was at Bellevue with Madame du Barry;, and so why should I not go, said Adelaide; and we set off in her carriage.
She seemed less strange when her sisters were not present. I believed she imagined she must appear stranger than she actually was in order to impress them and keep her supremacy over them; and she was very friendly as we rode along together towards Paris.
It was a great function, she told me. She had been informed of all that was being done to honour me. All along the Champs-Elysees, the trees were decorated with lamps which would be delightful when it was dusk. The centre of activities would be the Place Louis XV, where a Corinthian temple had been erected
These people were so different from my own, and however much they dressed me in French clothes, whatever French manners and customs I adopted, I would always be
Austrian. We were unsubtle, more natural, uncultured peraps; we might seem crude in comparison; we were not witty; but we were easy to understand. We said what we meant and we did not hide our true feelings under a mound of etiquette. Everywhere there was etiquette. I was being suffocated by it. I wanted to scream out that I was tired of it; I wanted to kick it aside, to laugh at it; and to tell them that if they wanted it they could have it, but to leave me out of it.
How could I know that that ball at which I had enjoyed dancing so much with Artois and even with my own awkward husband, was a dismal failure, and that I was blamed for it. My relations had spoilt it.
Little Lorraine was more important than Orleans and Conde because of me. They had been mortally insulted and I should never be forgiven.
They made up their minds on that night that they would be no friends to me, although whenever we met afterwards they gave no sign. But they were not showing affection to me, they were only paying homage to the Dauphine of France. What a little fool I was! And there was no one to help me except Mercy, whom I tried to avoid, and my mother, who was miles away. I was alone and walking blindly into danger, only like everything French it did not seem like danger at this stage;
and I did not know that what looked like soft green grass was really a quagmire . not until I was deep in it and could not extricate myself. A clever woman might have found it difficult to act wisely in such a Court. What hope had a frivolous, ignorant young girl?
It was some weeks after my wedding, and in all that time my husband had only spoken a few sentences to me. Whenever I saw the King he was so charming to me that I forgot what Mercy and the aunts had told me.
I believed that he loved me; I even called him Papa, for I said that Grandfather sounded too old for him. There had been so many fetes and balls that I had forgotten my fears. My brother-in-law Artois was constantly in my company; I had paid several visits to the aunts; I had forgotten my previous uneasiness;
perhaps I did not want to think of it. It was much more i 76 fun to be gay and believe everyone loved me and that I was a great success.
Madame Adelaide was taking me to see the fireworks, and I was going incognito to Paris because my official entry into the capital must, of course, be a ceremonious one. I had so longed to see the fireworks and Adelaide, always ready to enter into a conspiracy, declared she would take me. I thought wistfully that my husband might have taken me. What fun it would have been if he were as gay as Artois and we had disguised ourselves and driven there together. But he was either hunting or with the locksmith; the King was at Bellevue with Madame du Barry;, and so why should I not go, said Adelaide; and we set off in her carriage.
She seemed less strange when her sisters were not present. I believed she imagined she must appear stranger than she actually was in order to impress them and keep her supremacy over them; and she was very friendly as we rode along together towards Paris.
It was a great function, she told me. She had been informed of all that was being done to honour me. All along the Champs-Elysees, the trees were decorated with lamps which would be delightful when it was dusk. The centre of activities would be the Place Louis XV, where a Corinthian temple had been erected
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