they live better than they ever have. Modesty alone demands that we leave them be. You can ’ t keep clamoring about being published without wondering if it is only your vanity speaking. I am not a great genius like you. People have Musil and Proust and Mann and Nathan Zuckerman to read, why should they read me? My book was a scandal not only because of my satirical smile but because in 1967 when I was published I was twenty-five. The new generation. The future. But my generation of the future has made better peace with the Russians than anyone. For me to stay in Czechoslovakia and make trouble with the Russians about my little books—why? Why is another book from me important? ”
“ That isn ’ t Solzhenitsyn ’ s point of view. ”
“ Good for him. Why should I p ay everything to try to publish another book with a satirical smile? What am I proving by fighting against them and endangering myself and everyone I know? Unfortunately, however, as much as I mistrust the way of reckless vanity, I suspect even more the way of resignation. Not for others—they do as they must—but for myself. I am not a courageous person, but I cannot be out-and-out cowardly. ”
“ Or is that also just vanity? ”
“ Exactly—I am totally in doubt. In Czechoslovakia, if I stay there, yes. I can find some kind of work and at least live in my own country and derive some strength from that. There I can at least be a Czech—but I cannot be a writer. While in the West, I can be a writer, but not a Czech. Here, where as a writer I am totally negligible, I am only a writer. As I no longer have all the other things that gave meaning to life—my country, my language, friends, family, memories, et cetera—here for me making literature is everything. But the only literature I can make is so much about life there that only there can it have the effect I desire. ”
“ So, what ’ s even heavier than the weight of the banning is this doubt that it foments. ”
“ In me. Only in me. Eva has no doubt. She has only hatred. ’ ’
Eva is astonished. “ Hatred for what? ”
“ For everyone who has betrayed you, ” he says to her. “ For everyone who deserted you. You hate them and wish they were dead. ”
“ I don ’ t even think of them anymore. ”
“ You wish them to be tortured in Hell. ”
“ I have forgotten them completely. ”
“ I should like to tell you about Eva Kalinova. ” he says to me. “ It is too vulgar to announce such a thing, but it is too ridiculous for you not to know. It is personally humiliating that I should ask you to endure the great drama of my doubt while Eva sits here like no one. ”
“ I am happy to be sitting like no one, ” she says. “ This is not necessary. ”
“ Eva, ” he says, “ is Prague ’ s great Chekhovian actress. Go to Prague and ask. No one there will dispute it, not even the regime. There is no Nina since hers, no Irina, no Masha. ”
“ I don ’ t want this, ” she says.
“ When Eva gets on the streetcar in Prague, people still applaud. All of Prague has been in love with her since she was eighteen. ”
“ Is that why they write on my wall ‘ the Jew ’ s whore ’ ? Because they are in love with me? Don ’ t be stupid. That is over. ”
“ Soon she will be acting again, ” he assures me.
‘ To be an actress in America, you must speak English that does not give people a headache! ”
“ Eva. sit down. ”
But her career is finished. She cannot sit.
“ You cannot be on the stage and speak English that nobody can understand! Nobody will hire you to do that. I do not want to perform in more plays—I have had enough of being an artificial person. I am tired of imitating all the touching Irinas and Ninas and Mashas and Sashas. It confuses me and it confuses everyone else. We are people who fantasize too much to begin with. We read too much, we feel too much, we fantasize too much—we want all the wrong things! I am glad to be finished with all my
“ That isn ’ t Solzhenitsyn ’ s point of view. ”
“ Good for him. Why should I p ay everything to try to publish another book with a satirical smile? What am I proving by fighting against them and endangering myself and everyone I know? Unfortunately, however, as much as I mistrust the way of reckless vanity, I suspect even more the way of resignation. Not for others—they do as they must—but for myself. I am not a courageous person, but I cannot be out-and-out cowardly. ”
“ Or is that also just vanity? ”
“ Exactly—I am totally in doubt. In Czechoslovakia, if I stay there, yes. I can find some kind of work and at least live in my own country and derive some strength from that. There I can at least be a Czech—but I cannot be a writer. While in the West, I can be a writer, but not a Czech. Here, where as a writer I am totally negligible, I am only a writer. As I no longer have all the other things that gave meaning to life—my country, my language, friends, family, memories, et cetera—here for me making literature is everything. But the only literature I can make is so much about life there that only there can it have the effect I desire. ”
“ So, what ’ s even heavier than the weight of the banning is this doubt that it foments. ”
“ In me. Only in me. Eva has no doubt. She has only hatred. ’ ’
Eva is astonished. “ Hatred for what? ”
“ For everyone who has betrayed you, ” he says to her. “ For everyone who deserted you. You hate them and wish they were dead. ”
“ I don ’ t even think of them anymore. ”
“ You wish them to be tortured in Hell. ”
“ I have forgotten them completely. ”
“ I should like to tell you about Eva Kalinova. ” he says to me. “ It is too vulgar to announce such a thing, but it is too ridiculous for you not to know. It is personally humiliating that I should ask you to endure the great drama of my doubt while Eva sits here like no one. ”
“ I am happy to be sitting like no one, ” she says. “ This is not necessary. ”
“ Eva, ” he says, “ is Prague ’ s great Chekhovian actress. Go to Prague and ask. No one there will dispute it, not even the regime. There is no Nina since hers, no Irina, no Masha. ”
“ I don ’ t want this, ” she says.
“ When Eva gets on the streetcar in Prague, people still applaud. All of Prague has been in love with her since she was eighteen. ”
“ Is that why they write on my wall ‘ the Jew ’ s whore ’ ? Because they are in love with me? Don ’ t be stupid. That is over. ”
“ Soon she will be acting again, ” he assures me.
‘ To be an actress in America, you must speak English that does not give people a headache! ”
“ Eva. sit down. ”
But her career is finished. She cannot sit.
“ You cannot be on the stage and speak English that nobody can understand! Nobody will hire you to do that. I do not want to perform in more plays—I have had enough of being an artificial person. I am tired of imitating all the touching Irinas and Ninas and Mashas and Sashas. It confuses me and it confuses everyone else. We are people who fantasize too much to begin with. We read too much, we feel too much, we fantasize too much—we want all the wrong things! I am glad to be finished with all my
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