The Porcupine

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Authors: Julian Barnes
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three uncles in the uniform of the Iron Guard?
    And that left him, Stoyo Petkanov, Second Leader, helmsman of the nation, defender of Socialism. That cunt Gorbachev had fucked it, fucked everything. Came here on his royal visit, waving his two little words in the air and expecting everyone to applaud. Telling us at the same time that unfortunately he would no longer be able to accept our money in exchange for his oil. Hard currency only. The irony of the Chairman of the Central Committee of theCommunist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics soliciting American dollars from the leader of his staunchest socialist ally appeared to be lost on him. When told that the nation had very few dollars, Gorbachev replied that the way to discover dollars was to restructure the country with more openness.
    He had been proud of what happened next. ‘Comrade Chairman,’ he had said, ‘I have a proposition, a restructuring of my own to suggest. My country is currently undergoing certain temporary difficulties, the reasons for which we both acknowledge. Our two nations have always striven most closely together in following the socialist path. We were your loyal ally in opposing counter-revolutionary forces in 1968. Yet you come here and announce that our currency will no longer be valid with you, that a new separation is to be put between our two countries. This does not strike me as necessary or, if I may say so, fraternal. I have a different idea to put to you, a different vision of the future. I propose, instead of our two nations each stepping out on its own red pathway as we cross this river of stones we have just encountered on the great mountain, I propose, instead of this, that we draw closer.’
    He could see Gorbachev’s interest was fully roused. ‘What do you mean?’ the Russian asked.
    ‘I propose a full political integration between our two states.’
    Gorbachev was not expecting this. It had not been in the preliminary protocols. He did not know how to handle the situation. He had come to tell the Second Leader what to do in his own country, and decided beforehand that he was dealing with some idiot comrade of the old school, one who did not understand the way the world was moving. But he ,Stoyo Petkanov, he had been the one with the plan, and the Russian had not liked that.
    ‘Explain yourself,’ Gorbachev had said.
    He had explained himself. He had talked of the nation’s continued and loyal striving towards Socialism, internationalism and peace. He referred to his people’s historic struggle and their continued aspirations. He candidly addressed the contradictions which can emerge and which can harm the interests of social construction if they are not investigated and if purposeful action is not taken by the Party and the State for their settlement. Parenthetically, but yet centrally, he recalled his adolescent epiphany on Mount Rykosha. In conclusion, he spoke rousingly of the future, of its challenges and opportunities.
    ‘As I understand it,’ his visitor had finally said, ‘you are proposing that your country be incorporated into the USSR as the sixteenth republic of that Union.’
    ‘Exactly.’

    The defence was offered a day’s adjournment after the regrettable incident at the courtroom gates. State Advocates Milanova and Zlatarova, whom the former President had unexpectedly started to consult on minor business, were in favour; but Petkanov overruled them. And the next morning, as the Prosecutor General pressed him yet again about his notorious personal greed, his mood was benign, his innocence ebullient.
    ‘I am an ordinary man. I need little. I have never, during all my years as helmsman, asked much for myself.’
    [ ‘The fool asks much, but he is more of a fool who grants it.’ ]
    ‘I have simple tastes. I do not require many things.’
    [ ‘What can you need when you own the whole country?’
    ‘More than just the country. Us too. Us.’ ]
    ‘I have no money hoarded away in

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